Fence Wars: The REAL problem eh?

Ever since Arizona passed its state law allowing officers to investigate the immigration status of those they come into contact with via crime there's been a huge uproar. Well not huge, only one in three Americans don't agree with the law. (Stat check: One in three polled about the law were illegally in the country.) But according the main stream media, or as I call them 'Obama-sack-huggers', this law is wildly unpopular and unconstitutional. They seem to forget there's a law in the constitution that requires all immigrants to carry their papers on them at all times while in public.

But I digress! While I often blast the media for the one sided coverage of everything that has to do with politics I come before you today to blast them about not covering the REAL border threat that has yet to be addressed. Every year we deal with wide open borders that allow far, far too many highly dangerous and sexually deviant, moose loving, criminal masterminds into our midst. Yes my loyal subjects..err... friends! I'm talking about the Canadians!

But why would the Canadians want to come here? Well the reasons are many and easy to point out but more easily put into a metaphor. Living in Canada is like living in the upper apartment while the one below you is having a really great party. So of course they want to come here! Not to mention from all the reports over the years of Moose violence in Canada, that problem is only getting worse as the Moose population begins to organize for better strikes against the Canadian people. With no real military to protect them and being unable to convince America to send troops in to keep the moose from attacking... well its getting pretty desperate up there.

What about the mounties? Please. Other than their fancy red jackets and knee high nazi boots the Canadian Mounted Police have no actual training in law enforcement. They're like our version of the LAPD. While capable of senseless acts of violence against innocent motorists if you put them up against an actual criminal.... or a moose... they're completely helpless. So lacking protection from the moose and possessing a government that, from what I've been told, operates on the venerable 'Rock, scissors, paper' method, I can understand why there's been such a huge influx of Canadians quietly slipping into this country in the dark of the night... or by freeway.

Now I'm pretty sure we can spot these illegal Canadians by their parkas and heavy boots and gloves. After all Canada is basicly a frozen waste land with little more than snow, ice, yetis, and moose. The only thing that keeps their population from a mass exodus south is their incredible brewing industry. Canadian beer is largely believed to rival even Russian vodka in terms of potency. Only their fear of the wrath of their Eskimo overlords keeps the rest in check. Through their tactics of dragging off babies and old people into the night and feeding them to their angry Moose God, keeping the public slatheringly drunk, and their illegal drug cartels specializing in advil and tylenol PM distribution the Canadian public live in a constant state of fear of their mukluk wearing rulers.

Yes we should pity those that live with such tyranny. But as we all know we simple can't support anymore lay about illegals that mooch off the public works system even though they shouldn't even be able to tap into something like that seeing as how they're here illegally. Furthermore Canadians are taking hard working American jobs. Canadians are far more suited for cold climates so they're more adaptable to jobs like zamboni drivers, ice cream man, and of course, chopping large blocks of ice into those smaller cup sized ones you find inside of ice machines... still not sure how they fit in those little machines....

So my fellows, I present to you my solution. In one simple step we can halt the tyranny of the Canadian's eskimo overlords and slow the flood of illegal Canadian immigrants to our country. First we need to send in a highly specialized military unit to infiltrate into the frozen lands of Canada in silence and stealth so as to not alert them to our presence there. Then, they need to get to the ice shelves over the arctic and find the elusive food source that sustains the eskimos and eliminate it.

Yes my friends, we need to club all the baby seals we can find. By doing such we'll starve the eskimos of their natural food source, which by the way is what gives them their super human powers to enslave the rest of Canada. In the span of a few short years our highly trained corps of seal clubbers could bring freedom to the masses of Canada.

In short, the very future of our economy and well being depends solely on the skilled and merciless clubbing of baby seals. Lets get to work.