Nekid Peoples

Friday, September 3, 2010

When WOMENZ ATTACK!

This is a little piece for the men out there. But ladies, feel free to read up too, I know your secret and I'm telling everyone! Let's get started.

Zombies, strippers, Israeli super ninjas. These are all terrifying and deadly foes. So far I've taught you, my adoring public, how to survive these heinous and terrible enemies. But they pale in comparison to the foe I'll introduce you to today. They lurk in your homes, in your workplace, and chances are you've spoken to at least one today since you woke up. Who are they? How can these vicious killers fit in with society? Well my friends, it's because they... are WOMENZ!!

Yes! WOMENZ! That cute little lovely lady that you invited into your home to live with you, that hot chick in the cubicle next to you at work, your *gasp* mom! Beneath their soft and warm exteriors of beautiful hair, enchanting eyes, captivating smiles, and boobies... ooohhhh the boobies..., lies a cold, calculating murderous fiend that will end you if you cross them! So how the hell are we, as men, supposed to deal with these masters of illusion. Well, lucky for you, I wrote it all down here for you. Now this will probably lead to my untimely demise but it was all worth it I tell you! Now remember, your woman doesn't WANT to murder you in your sleep. But she damn sure will if you step over that line buddy! So we'll start today with a few typical instances that can cause WOMENZ to ATTACK!!

1: The Lie!
We as men lie. We lie all the time. It's like a language to us. Mostly we lie to keep our woman from flipping out and going on a rampage. Nothing hurtful, just little things like telling her you're going to hang out with your buddy and neglect to tell her you're hanging out with him at the local strip club. Your woman however won't understand this. As she doesn't lie about such trivial things. If she's going to lie to you its going to be something big. Like, 'It's your baby' or something like that, nothing so little as to cover up a little bonding time with her gal pals. Men you gotta be careful with the lie. Because if she finds out, no matter how silly it is, she will attack. It won't be as brutal as some other attacks which we'll visit later but it'll be an attack none the less. Most of often when WOMENZ ATTACK! over a lie its usually something simple, like cutting you off for a week or maybe not talking to you for a day or two, which honestly is one of the reasons we as men do lie about little stuff alot. In hopes that it'll shut our women up for a few days as 'punishment' to us. Ahhhh the beauty of silence.

2: The Porn!
Some women get upset over their man looking at porn on the internet or in magazines. Most the time we men can't understand this but it usually boils down to something about how they feel inferior to the airbrushed models we look at. Ladies, we know you're not perfect, we love that about you. The reason we look at porn is alot like why you watch cooking shows on the food network... its shit we're never going to do! So while you like to fantasize about bunt cake and cooking that 5 course meal, come on, we both know its never gonna happen. Its like porn for us, its fun to look at and think 'Hmm that would be awesome' but we know its never gonna happen! Fellas be careful over the porn, for when WOMENZ ATTACK! over porn it can be brutal. Assaults on your manhood, stamina, and general lack of ability to satisfy her let alone some bimbo whore on that website will be put out there for weeks to come.

3: Your chick friend!
Ohhhhh this one is a sticky one my friends. For those of you men out there that don't know this yet, women hate all other women. Secretly sometimes but usually its just right out there. Chicks hate other chicks. They were brought up to look at each other like they're smelling onions. They don't trust their friends around their man much less trust some chick that maybe your friend and not their's. Why is this? Well it's hard for us as men to understand completely as we're capable of bonding with our buddies in way's chicks can't with their ladies. We can meet our buddy's girl and hit it off really well. For us we'll think 'Man I gotta get a chick like that.' For women, its different. If they meet one of their girl's boyfriends and they hit it off, they generally think they have to have HIM and they'll do anything to get him! Including murdering their friend and burying her under the train tracks down by the local woods.... don't ask me how I know that I just do! So if women don't trust their own friends they're certainly not going to trust some chick she doesn't know. Fellas, just don't do it. Its not worth the punishment that comes with this one. Yeah sure talk to your chick pal and stuff but for the love of all that is naked and ninja-like, DON'T hang out with her. For when WOMENZ ATTACK! over this, they're gonna fuck one of their guy friends. Yes women are allowed their male friends because as we all know the typical double standard of relationships applies here. They can hang with their pals you better not hang with your chick friend! Don't ask why. It's been that way since the woman's lib movement.

4: The fat ass question!
This is the most dangerous and well hidden sneak attacks in a woman's arsenal. Gentlemen I can't even begin to start on how tricky this one is. Honestly there really is no right answer when your woman asks you 'Does this make my ass look fat?'. It's going to happen to you someday. And she will only ask you this question if she's sick and tired of your bullshit and is ready to either a) kick your ass to the curb, or b) murder you in your sleep and dispose of the carcass late at night with some lime and concrete. You might survive this situation but only if you listen very closely to what comes next. You absolutely can NOT answer this question right so don't try. If you tell her no it doesn't, when it really does make her ass look like that sofa you bought the other week, then you're doomed because you lied to her! If you say 'Oh baby its just the dress.' she's going to be pissed because YOU didn't go help her pick out her dress for the wedding you're going to. And guys, don't make the mistake many men make. Yes, this question irritates us, but don't reply 'No baby your ass makes your ass look fat.' You WILL be found floating face up in the fountain downtown if you say this. Cops won't even investigate because they know what happened already. These sort of deaths happen alot and they're generally written off under the obscure 'Lady's Ass Act of 1978' law. Fucking liberals.

5: For no damn reason at all.
Guys what you have to realize is that your girl is insane. She's a murderous, vindictive, plotting, calculating, being of pure evil. And damnit we love them! You must strive at all times to keep your lady happy. Treat her with respect, love, warmth and caring. Be compassionate about the things (all five billion of them) that upset her and worry her. Don't say things like 'Hey baby get me another beer' and slap her on the ass. That's what actually got the first caveman that wasn't eaten by a sabertooth tiger killed. When you make love to your woman, FUCK THAT GIRL GOOD! Make sure she has an orgasm that makes her head swim every damn time. Cook her dinner now and then, take her out to someplace special and not just Burger King, or best of all plan a surprise and be spontaneous. Chicks dig that. Men if you do all this then when WOMENZ ATTACK! it will be less often and generally less deadly to your ballsack and self esteem. Because make no mistake about it they will attack. Often times without provocation or really any reason behind it. Because your woman is mad at you. Why? Who the fuck knows! The mystery of woman will never be solved and let's face it, all that craziness is a small price to pay for having someone you love in your life.

So until next time fella, strap on your helmets, buckle in tight, and hold on for dear life. And remember when WOMENZ ATTACK! not to make the biggest mistake of all... using logic. It doesn't work on them guys. We as men have a need to make sense and be logical when we argue, women are bound by no such weakness. What this means is you can't win... ever. Eeeeeeeevvveeerrr. Women, while they forget everything else, WILL remember every word you have ever said that pissed them off and remember every THING you have ever done to piss them off and they will all be hurled at you in the span of 30 to 45 seconds. This includes but is not limited to; that time you looked at the pretty girl walking by, when you forgot to say good morning, when you forgot to ask how her day was, any of the things discussed above, the time you looked at the ugly girl walking by, when you said you didn't like her friend, when you said you did like her friend, when you called her mom 'the old battleaxe', that time you made a joke about filling her friend's dish with water, anything you have ever said about another woman, anytime you have forgotten anything...ever, and the time you got mad at her for when she fucked your buddy.

Guys I'm not saying its fair, I'm just saying if you want a woman in your life.. these are just a few of the things you gotta do. Why the fuck do we have to jump through all these hoops? Well that's easy fellas. When your woman is happy with you, she'll let you touch her.... 'nuff said.