The Night Before Christmas: A Naked Ninja Tale

'Twas the night before Christmas, school was out for winter vacation
Not a creature was stirring, except my kid on that god damn playstation;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
As a trophy from that stripper with long brown hair;
Sarah Palin was all indignant, pissy and mean,
While she verbally shat her reality on my TV screen;
Some woman in her 'kerchief settled in my lap,
Causing me to shout, 'What the fuck is a kerchief? Dance bitch! Don't nap!'
When out on the lawn there arose such a fuckin' ruckus,
I nearly shit myself as I leapt from the couch to gather up Rufus.
Away to the window I flew like I was running from my bookie,
Tore open the shutters and yelled 'The fuck is all that noise? I was about to get some nookie!'
The street light on the breast of the hooker beneath it
Gave me pause as I stared at her dress that barely fit,
When, to my wandering eyes what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny zombie reindeer,
With a little old driver, tight pants stretched thin over sagging balls,
Well fuck me running this has got to be Santa Claus!
More rapid than the one time with that really hot red head they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and cracked them on the ass while calling them by name;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
Move it motherfuckers or I'll make jerky of y'all!"
So up to the house-top the little bastards flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and Santa's fat ass too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little undead hoof.
As I drew up Rufus, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Santa came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to toe,
He looked like that broke ass pimp from down the block named Moe;
A big ass bag he had flung on his back,
And he looked like he could use a bra for that sagging rack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His smile wide and profaine!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose red... this dude was on cocaine!
His droll little mouth was drawn up with that goofy ass grin,
And the smell of Jack Daniels clung to the beard on his chin;
The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke smelled of the sticky icky, forming a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, and lots of wrinkles,
I though he looked like my Uncle Bob,except his pants not being around his ankles;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me the feeling of absolute dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his fun,
And filled all the stockings; as I hoisted Rufus... my shotgun,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He snorted up all the blow on my table then struck a ninja pose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whipping,
They leapt into the air, hungry for the flesh of the living.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Psycho-Bitch Mojo: Living with the Silent Self-Esteem Killer

I often hear 'There are no good men left.' from the women I work with. Now while we know why most of this is, I work with strippers, and as we explored earlier 70-80% of women as a whole are affected by Douchebag Syndrome. Strippers are a special case in this study, as a whole 96% of them are affected by D.S. But I digress. I often hear the women I work with lamenting about how all the good men are 'taken' or 'gone'. And for the most part they're right. I myself was once a douchebag. I left a trail of women broken and weeping in my wake. Why? Because I was a douchebag. But I always had a girl. Some time ago I got tired of my douche ways and turned from the darkside. Redemption has been a slow and painful ordeal but I can say now that I qualify as a 'good man'. What's that mean? Well for the most part it means I'm alone 99% of the time without female companionship thanks to Douchebag Syndrome. However it also means that I've been able to look back over my past and realize I suffer from Psycho-Bitch Mojo. Today we'll discuss P.B.M. and how it affects nearly the entire population of 'good men' in the world.

First we must make it clear that douchebags are never affected by Psycho-Bitch Mojo. They can be carriers of the disease but even though they may have it, while they practice douchebaggery they show no ill effects from P.B.M. This is often thought of as to why men devolved into douchebags sometime in the mid 50's. As the ratio of 'sane' women (in quotes there as we know this to be a relative term) to 'psycho bitches' began to tilt in favor of the psychos more men devolved into douchebaggery to protect themselves. These pair of diseases have good people of both genders in a relative state of shell shock. Terrified to put themselves out there due to their encounters with douchebags and psychos. What's worse is that Douchebag Syndrome, while terrible in it's own right actually creates more pscyhos! The same holds true for Psycho-Bitch Mojo creating more douchebags!

So what is Psycho-Bitch Mojo? Well P.B.M. was first diagnosed in your's truely, yes me, by Doctor Christopher Bush M.D. (The M.D. in this case stands for Mad Dude) in 2001. While the science is still very new there's been plenty of medical studies done all over the world about P.B.M. Dr. Bush put the basic diagnoses simply 'Men suffering from Psycho-Bitch Mojo attract the most mentally unstable women around them and their friends finds this very, very funny.' This is the basis of P.B.M. and can vary in both intensity and frequency depending on the man it affects and his personal tolerance for insanity.

Now as we've discussed before women aren't exactly what most men consider 'logical', or 'sane'. So what constitutes a woman being a 'Psycho-Bitch'? Below we'll discuss what details are included in this and how to spot said psycho-bitches and also how to be able to diagnose yourself or a friend with this terrible disease. We will also delve into the rarely seen 'Psycho Hose Beast' a being of pure and unrepentant evil.

1: No sense of personal responsibility.
The first trait the Psycho-Bitch often displays is a complete lack of personal responsibility. Nothing is ever their fault. Everything they do that can be seen as hurtful or wrong is always someone else's doing. They were pushed to fuck your best friend, you made them lie to you about how their weekend trip to their mom's was really a three day sex-fest with your brother, you were smiling on the phone with your female friend so it's your fault she had to arrange for your friend's brake lines to be cut. The list can go on forever but basicly the Psycho-Bitch will deny any personal wrong doing and never accept that she may have been personally in the wrong. This includes up to multiple murders. For example the testimony of one Becky Williams in the trial of her boyfriend's murder in 2006... 'Well you're honor it was a heavy flow day and he was being an asshole so.... I stabbed him. Seven.. eight.. ten times....'

2: Control Freak.
While most women like to have some sense of control over their man the Psycho-Bitch takes this to an extreme. While most stop just short of slapping a collar and a leash on their men anything else is usually acceptable. The psycho-bitch will cut you off from your friends, beer, hanging out, watching sports, leaving the house for anything but work, the internet, video games, and any sort of social activity that would not require their presence. They'll begin to pick out your clothing, which will always be the exact opposite of what you normally wear. Any attempt to resist this control will result in the psycho-bitch going 'mental' on you. This is a state of pure rage and attack. Everything from your sense of style to your penis will be insulted in a barrage of verbal abuse the likes of which you have never seen. This will continue until you back down and submit.

3: The double standard.
This is a must for all psycho-bitches. The double standard exists in most relationships, even normal ones, but the psycho-bitch takes it to a whole other level. This includes many things but usually includes having female friends, going out, socializing, spending money, and cheating. She'll have her male friends, even if they make you uncomfortable and she'll go hang out with them whenever she wants. She'll spend her money and YOUR money however she wants. And it's only cheating if its you messing around on her. When the psycho-bitch has sex outside of the relationship it's not 'cheating' it's always something like 'seeing if she was still attractive to other men' or 'You're not my father don't tell me what to do!' The double standard will include things like you sitting at home for days and days alone, sick with worry and loneliness while the psycho-bitch runs around with her friends or spends the night at her boss's house in order to 'relax' and 'think'. By the way both 'relax' and 'think' mean 'fuck my boss'.

4: Jealousy
Jealousy is a fairly normal thing for human beings to feel. After all we're selfish by nature and sometimes you just want something to be your's and no one else's. The psycho-bitch however, as a by-product of her constant cheating will assume you're doing the same. So she'll be constantly assaulting you with 'What the fuck are you looking at? Oh you like that shit? Is that what you want? Are you looking at that bitch? You wanna fuck her don't you?' or my personal favorite 'No bitch wants you're tiny cock.' Remember this will be paired with the double standard to create some really nasty situations. As a result of her paranoid jealousy anytime you look in the general direction of anything that has tits, be prepared for a fight. This includes being told you have lustful desires for your 98 year old great grandmother.

These four traits, taken to the extreme often form the basis of what a psycho-bitch acts like. But even psycho-bitches pale in comparison to the fabled 'Psycho Hose Beast'. The term was first dubbed in 1999 by Shell Pitre. Miss Pitre is a renowned observer of psycho-bitches and helped form the basis of their behavioral patterns with Dr. Bush in their now famous thesis 'Tits of Terror: Cthulhu ain't got nothing on these Bitches'. The psycho hose beast will display all the traits named above but to an even further degree than psycho-bitches. She'll actively deflect any wrong doing she does onto you even going so far as to plant fake evidence that she can 'bust' you on later. Your cell phone will ring the second your are ten feet from the house, she'll install cameras around the house so she can record your every move, insist on listening in on every phone call you have, and physically assault any woman that dares look your way. This will include breaking Aunt May's hip for giving you a hug at Christmas. Psycho Hose Beasts are also far more promiscuous than your normal psycho-bitch. Seeing as how most psycho-bitches cheat on a fairly regular basis this is saying something. The Psycho Hose Beast must cheat. It's thought that without having access to multiple cocks the Psycho Hose Beast would actually fall into a coma of sorts. If not able to fuck an average of three new dicks a month on a yearly basis, that's 36 penises in a year, the Psycho Hose Beast will most likely perish. It will also be your fault. Yes, your fault that they must seek out this new dick. Reason has nothing to do with it but you will be blamed for forcing them to go out and screw. Calling them things like a 'slut' or 'whore' will render you an 'insensitive prick' and cause her to run out and find more dick.

What must be stressed here is that this is where many of the 'good men' are being stuck. It's unknown if Psycho-Bitch Mojo is a genetic condition or an aquired disorder. Ladies if you see one of your male friends being sucked into the webs of a psycho-bitch there is, sadly, very little you can do to help them. While this is frustrating and confusing the reasoning behind it is simplicity itself. Psycho-Bitches are great in bed. Psycho Hose Beasts even more so. Men, while we may try to convince you it's not all about the sex, love to be fucked... and fucked well. Psycho-Bitches love to do all the nasty, dirty, kinky, and sometimes illegal things we men see in porn. So trying to combat crazy pussy tricks with logic and reason... well you can see how that will play out. To effectively get them to see reason you must also offer up the hot, crazy, jungle gym sex along with logic and reason.

So here we are, most the good women suffering from Douchebag Syndrome and most the good men suffering from Psycho-Bitch-Mojo. So how do we correct this? Well first off people need to stop listening to all these self-help nutjobs on the radio. We all know if we're in a good relationship or not. Ladies, give a guy that might not be your normal type a chance. Maybe he's a little nerdy or maybe he's not some pretty boy super model type. Men, try to give that nice girl you get along with so well a chance to be more than your friend. Don't be so hung up on perfect bodies and looks. Its up to the well adjusted and normal people of the world to find one another to make things work. Remember that you're swimming in a big ocean... and that its full of sewage that you need to avoid to survive long enough to find a fish you can really dig.

Body Scanners and Cavity Searches: My holiday TSA Encounter

Well folks as we all know TSA, the federal agency responsible for airport security around the nation has started to replace their metal detectors with body scanners. Normally these were just meant to be used for those that set off the metal detectors. A 'second line' if you will. However as our government is often known to do the TSA has simply just started making them mandatory for everyone. Now what's a body scanner? Well its a machine that you step into and it creates a digital image of you.. nekid. So it's the holidays and I have to make my yearly trip to the Arctic for baby seal clubbing. Shut up I'm doing my part to free the Canadians. What are you doing? Thought so. Anyway, this is how my yearly trip through airport security went.

I arrived at the airport a good hour and a half before my flight was to take off. After all we know that getting through security takes long enough as it is, they're so careful with the anal cavity search... Upon arriving at the gate I began to take my shoes off as per usual when I was informed by a TSA agent I no longer needed to. Thinking I had just won some sort of strange holiday security pass I thanked my lucky stars that I wouldn't have to go through my annual explanation of why I had a three foot spiked club packed in my bags, after all as we all know baby seal skulls are quite thick. That's when the my personal odyssey began....

TSA Agent: Sir you'll just have to step into the body scanner booth there.

Me: What? What's a body scanner?

TSA: Well sir, it's the replacement for the metal detectors as they don't pick up a lot of things that can be used to make bombs or do harm.

Me: Oh so it just looks for weird things?

TSA: Well it creates a digital image of your body for inspection in a private screening area.

Me: ... So... you're taking naked pictures of me? Why? And why is someone looking at them in private?

TSA: Well sir, that's so no one else can see them...

Me: Are you sure it's not some weird nerdy guy in there pleasuring himself to the hot chicks?

TSA: I assure you....

Me: Good because I mean.. if they're expecting another hot chick they can touch themselves to you better warn them that it's actually me, a fat white man from the midwest who never met a beer he didn't like.

TSA: I'm sure they'll be fine sir.

Me: Well still, warn them that a mild sense of nausea when seeing me naked is fairly normal.

TSA: It's not really about....

ME: And no tiny dick jokes either! I swear if I hear any fat guy with a little dick came through the body scanner jokes in a week I'm going to sue you fuckers for slander!

TSA: Sir, slander is untrue statements....

ME: Touche my good man, touche.

TSA: Please step in, sir.

ME: *After stepping inside* Hey this is pretty neat. So how's this work? Hey this sticker here says caution low level x-rays!

TSA: Sir you have to step back in there.

ME: Are you trying to fry my sperm? Make them retarded? Well okay fry them? You didn't even give me one of those nut shields the dentist gives you!

TSA: Well if we did the x-rays wouldn't get a full view of your body. And they're very low level sir they don't even penetrate skin.

ME: .... Well. Okay.

TSA: *After a few seconds and some laughter from the people in line behind me, he peeks back into the booth* Sir! You have to stand still... why are you dancing like that? And... pull you're fucking pants back up sir!

ME: What? Look dude if someone is going to see me naked I'm going to try to spice it up a bit for them. I mean come on how boring is it to just stare at dick and titties all day? No dancing or entertainment in that!

After this I was whisked away, pants still around my ankles, to the side area where apparently they search you by hand. The process was explained to me by a rather burly looking fellow with what I believe was a Village People tattoo on his left forearm.

ME: Can I get a chick to do this?

TSA: Policy is same sex, sir. That way it can't be taken as sexual.

ME: So what do you do if the person is gay?

TSA: *Pause* Policy is same sex, sir. That...

ME: Well it's not big deal to me. You big sexy man. *playful winking follows*

TSA: .......

ME: Now do you perform anal searches too?

The agent left the area and went over to talk to what I can only assume was his supervisor. The pair returned after a short but animated conversation. I made sure to adjust my junk every time the poor bastards looked over at me, smiling coyly.

Supervisor: Sir we really need you to cooperate here...

ME: I just asked what you do if gay people come through here. I mean come on.

Supervisor: Policy is policy sir.

ME: Well alright then. Proceed Mr. Man.

After a fairly normal frisking the poor agent started moving his hands lower, poking my stomach and eliciting a doughboy like giggle which caught him by surprise. Once his hand went below the belt I had two options to permanently scar this man. I could wiggle my eyebrows at him playfully and let out a little coo while pushing my junk at his hand more. Or, option B, which I chose. Widening my eyes in surprise as I gasped in horror before shouting repeatedly at the top of my lungs, 'I NEED AN ADULT!!!'

To say the TSA was unamused would be an understatement. They threatened not to let me on the plane if I didn't behave myself. Well, I couldn't let the Canadians down like that. Clubbing baby seals was just my small way of trying to free them from their Eskimo Overlords. So after getting the TSA agent to agree to at least get me a lollipop after the pat down I agreed. I decided not to let them have the last laugh however. Upon landing in Canada I pulled out my trusty cell phone and dialed the local police station back home.

Detective: How can I help you sir?

Me: Yeah I'd like to report being sexually assaulted.

Detective: Okay. Can you tell me what happened?

Me: *Using my best choked up and crying voice, note I had to sit on my balls to bring out the desired effect.. I wouldn't recommend it.* Well I was going to get on a flight today. And they wanted to take naked pictures of me to pass around the office and then they had to play with my balls for a while! They said if I didn't I couldn't get on the plane. They made me turn my head and cough.... they made me cough.. *sniff*

Detective: Who did sir?

Me: The guys from the TSA!

Detective: Sir, that's normal security protocols now.

Me: You're in it with them!

Detective: *click*

Me: ATTICA!!!!!!!

After not being able to even turn to the police for protection there was only one option left. One man that would see these new invasive protocols for what they were and reach out to America and inform them of his plot.... Jon Stewart.

Secretary: Daily show offices, how may I help you.

Me: I need to speak to Jon please.

Secretary: One moment. *A few clicks and some elevator music for a few minutes.*

John: This is John.

Me: Stewart! I need your help! I know we don't see eye to eye on some things but I just got molested in an airport by....

John: You again! Look I told you I'm not Jon Stewart. He doesn't take random calls.

Me: *pause* Yyyyyoooooouuuuu!

John: Please stop calling.

Me: *pause* I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!

*click*

I was done. I couldn't warn America. I had failed my future subje...errr.. people who voted for me. Stewart didn't care about the new policies. After all it was Obama's security chief in TSA that came up with it and according to Stewart, Obama could do no wrong. No, he wouldn't stand up against the molestation of America. There was only one thing left to do for the day.

*Ring* Bill Maher speaking.

Me: FUCK YOU BILL! *click*

There was nothing left I could do. Sitting around the house watching TV later that day I watched an interesting interview on the Super Douche and Friends hour... err I mean the Glenn Beck show. According to Mr. Beck if you don't let the man at the airport feel your sack... the terrorists win. This confused me. I've fought terrorists. It was part of my job in the Marines. I remember a lot of explosions and gun fire. A knife or two.. even an incident involving a stick and someone's eye. But I've never had a terrorist try to run up and cup my ballsack tenderly. Granted I had no idea what they were shouting at the top of their lungs during gun fights. I suppose it could have been 'I want to touch your balls!' in arabic. It's fair to say I wouldn't know the difference between that and 'Die American pig-dog!'

And then I saw it. On the news there was the director of the TSA warning America not to boycott the added security measures for the holiday season. He was warning us! There he was, standing at a podium all poised like he wasn't some nut hungry monster! 'You will let us fondle your gonads lovingly! Or else America!!!', He told us.. or at least something like that. We have been taken prisoner. In order to see our families this holiday season we must subject ourselves to having some stranger cop a feel. For men this is just terrible. It's pretty cool to stand there and watch cute TSA agents cup a woman's boobs though. Yay lesbians!

So in closing my friends, if you too are doing any traveling this holiday season. Make sure to wear an athletic supporter. For there is nothing we can do against this invasion upon our privacy and civil rights. Once again our government encroaches on our freedoms. They say you have to sacrifice freedom for safety... well no one ever asked me if I thought this was a good trade. As always America! Be on the look out. You never know when some nut hugging terrorist is going to creep into our airports!

Back to the Future: A glimpse at the 2012 Presidential Debates!

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Campaign 2012: Updates and thoughts on 2010 Elections. A.K.A. The reclaimation of Ineptitude and Obstructionism in politics

So apparently last Tuesday's day of reckoning has helped America 'reclaim' our country. The following morning President 'Schlomo' Obama gave a news conference about how he hopes to work together with incoming republicans to move forward. He used the word 'together' alot. He's apparently forgotten how he has told the republicans to, and I'm paraphrasing here, 'Go fuck yourselves' for the last 18 months or so. Pushing through legislation that was both confusing and not well sold to the public. Any law requiring people to buy anything is unconstitutional at its very core, weather it be health insurance, car insurance, or twelve inch rubber dicks. The government has no right to tell us to purchase anything with the money we earn through working. While democrats speak of how the health care bill will help millions and republicans bitch and moan about how it will cost the tax payers money you don't hear any of them griping about the main issue. That the law will make Insurance companies billions. Why? Because you HAVE to buy insurance now. From them. The regulations in it are weak, complicated, and ultimately futile in their attempt to reign in the daily rape of the American public by the countries biggest offenders, the Insurance Conglomerates.

Here's my issue with Insurance Companies. You pay them a premium for financial help just in case something happens to you. When something does happen, that same company you've been paying money for years and years and asked for nothing in return... does every thing it can to not to live up to it's obligations to you. This is a given, there is no exception to this rule. Every Insurance company will try their best to fuck you out of the help they promised you in exchange for the money you've payed them over the years. When they do have to pay out they fight you tooth and nail. These crooked bastards have worked closely with the Health Care industry to drive costs up so high that you have to get insurance or you'll be turned away from a doctor unless you're bleeding out on their floor.. and even then they'll stop the bleeding and send you back out the door with a few bandaids and a pat on the back. This health care reform, in its current form and wording WON'T stop this practice. People can point out all the things it's SUPPOSED to do, but as it stands right now all this law requires is that people buy insurance come 2014, the wording in the law will allow insurance companies loopholes and ways out of paying. So all this law does now in it's current form is force people to spend money on something that won't work for them when it's needed.

Now, lets take a look at how this huge turn around election will effect you and me. Safe to say that it will change... nothing. Democrats and Republicans will spend the next two years finger pointing, bitching, calling each other names, and blaming each other for the problems this nation faces. All the while they'll be taking their obligatory payments from their sponsors in corporate America. Basicly think of it as walking down a dark alley at night. Suddenly hundreds of individuals jump out of the shadows, beat the crap out of you, steal your wallet, and bend you over the dumpster before running a train on you. All the while they're yelling and screaming at each other about how evil and wrong the other guys are for stealing your money and sodomizing you with random alley items... while they're stealing your money and sodomizing you with a bat. In short, my friends, I say to you fuck these guys. If you want real change, 2012 is the year to bring it about. I give to you all new Campaign goals and promises. On top of my old ones these shall help guide America back to an era of prosperity and... okay well maybe not prosperity but at least accountability. Let's get started.

1: The Brutalize your Representative/Senator Act.
All too often our politicians today promise to do something upon election and then once there, go completely the other way. I'm not talking about those that promise to try to pass legislation and then are unable to get that legislation through, if they try at least they're keeping their word. I'm talking about the ass clowns that promise to work together with opposing parties or other such nonsense then once they get to Washington they proceed to be the loudest, most obvious voice of discontent. So once elected I will introduce the Brutalize your Representative/Senator Act. This law will hold our elected officials to their word and campaign promises. If they don't stick to their word the people that voted them into office are invited, twice a year, to a public and open beating of said elected official. The official is shackled in a central area of the city, just like times of old and people can come by and throw shit at them, beat them with provided canes, or piss on them.. literally, as they have been figuratively pissing on you.

2: Campaign finance reform will pass.... or else.
I'll give Congress just one month to pass common sense laws that make the legalized bribery I.E. lobbying, illegal. As well as laws to keep corporations from buying elections and to level the playing field for everyone. Special interests will be excluded from elections at all costs. If they fail to abide by this demand I will bomb congress. How will I bomb congress? That's the easy part. I'll hold a lottery. We'll use the money to pay for the C4 explosive that we'll line every seat in congress and the senate with. The winning ticket will recieve the right to push the detonator during a random session of congress. Before we actually do push the button though we'll have several 'walk throughs' just to scare the shit out of them and perhaps see if they actually get some god damned work done rather than pointing fingers and calling names. See, I'm good with motivating others.

3: National Beat a Pundit Day.
Who hasn't wanted to smash Glenn Beck in the face with a shovel or feed Sarah Palin a steel toe boot to the grill? Maybe string Stewart up by that smarmy grin of his? Sodomize the entire cast of MSNBC with a nine iron? I dare say most of have wanted to do at least one. Well I give to you National Beat a Pundit Day. Every year on the first monday of every November we'll pull a random television or radio pundit's name out of a big fucking hat. Once again we'll hold a lottery before hand and the winning ticket will get to brutally beat down the pundit who's name has been chosen. All proceeds go to the national debt.

4: I will impregnate Jessica Alba, the old fashioned way mind you!
Come on. Like you wouldn't?

5: Pot will be legalized.
I will however make it illegal for Corporate America to sell it. This way people get their weed and will be far, far too high to pay attention when I bomb congress and give the military and police forces around the country a huge payraise, then declare myself Emperor. I promise to wear the dark robes and figure out how to do that lightning shooting thingie that we all think just rocks. After declaring myself Emperor I will have Vice-President Christopher Bush dipped in a lake of lava and then secured in black plastic armor with a really loud respirator attached. Why? Because he can take it and as we all know chicks dig scars.

6: Oliver Stone will be banned from making any more movies.
Seriously dude, just stop already.

And now for a list of campaign promises I won't keep, as we all know every politician has to have one. So here's a quick list:

1: I'll balance the budget.
2: I'll give everyone a tax break.
3: I will personally rob every rich person in America and give back to the poor like Robin Hood.
4: I will not declare myself Emperor.
5: I will not abuse my position in any way!

Remember folks, 2012, the year of the Naked One!

Breaking the Silence; Douchebag Syndrome and you.

Well it's been a while since I had the time to write up a little something so here we are. Working where I do I often see women mixed up with the entirely wrong type of guy. Women who could have pretty much anyone they want, dealing every day with some out of work loser that cheats on them, takes the money they do have for stupid shit, and just generally treats them like crap. I've struggled for years trying to figure out what it is these guys have that keep women drooling over them. I believe it's an as to yet undiscovered medical problem. Something in these women's brains that sets them on the path of heavy breathing and salivating when one of these asshats is around. For the sake of this blog we'll call it Douchebag Syndrome. We'll dissect this horrible and tragic mental disorder and point out how you, the non-douchebag, can take full advantage of it to land a hot chick with low self-esteem. Let's get started.

The first thing we need to do here is describe the sort of guy Douchebag Syndrome attracts these women to. The main thing is that you can't work. If you have a job, quit. Stop applying for jobs if you don't have one. Sit on your ass all day long, shower once or twice a week, and generally be a drain on society. The next thing you have to do is be a complete asshole. Walk around with that undeserved sense of accomplishment and act like women are nothing more than fuck toys to be covered in your man-juice and tossed to the side. I know all of this seems counter productive but for some reason all the hottest women love guys like this... no joke.

So how do you become a douche that all the womenz are gonna want? Well lets explore what about these pillars of douchebaggery attracts women and how you, the normal high functioning member of society, can imitate them to fuck hot women. Now remember following these hints and steps will result in you actually acting like a douchebag, even if in your heart you're not. So just remember it won't be just the women around you that notice your new found asshattery, but also your friends and family as well so proceed with caution.

The biggest thing that Douchebag Syndrome attracts women to is men who think they're God's gift to the world. The fact that they don't work and can't provide a single thing to these women around them is irrelevant. Their levels of confidence are through the roof and so you must also show this level of confidence. Remember to remind all the women around you that you are, in fact, better than them on every level and they would be lucky to have your cock in their mouth. In fact if at all possible you should try to convince the dumber ones around you that your cock is actually filled with vitamin W and they should make sure to get a bit of it because it will make them far more attractive and intelligent. The main thing with this part of being a douchebag isn't acting confident, it's acting like an arrogant ass. The thing you must remember is that that none of these cumstains on the collective underpants of society have any reason to be egotistical about anything. They're jobless, clueless, worthless, and generally dickless too. For if you ask a woman struck down with D.S. if their man is good in bed the general response is a roll of their eyes or a muttered disgust. So be as totally worthless as you can be all while walking around thinking your Brad Pitt. Women. Love. That.

Second on the plate of Douchebag Syndrome is to treat the women around you like complete shit. Remeber that women afflicted by D.S. have little to no self respect. If you try to make them realize they're beautiful or a great catch, you're right out. Remember to play the douchebag card to it's fullest here. Play up the little imperfections they're obssessing about, make sure they know that no man would actually want to deal with their bullshit, and who the fuck is gonna want to touch their used up crazy ass? Not you, that's for sure. Make them think they're lower than the dog shit your scrapped off your shoe on the way in and they're less than nothing to you. This will drive their libido into overdrive. It's unknown as yet why treatment like this makes women with D.S. hornier than an African rhino in heat on Viagra, but it does work. Stick to this treatment and before you know they'll be begging you to bless them with your penis.

The next thing you have to establish is that you're willing to go to the ends of the Earth to establish that you are, in fact, the biggest douchenozzle they will ever encounter. To do this you need to make sure they know they're your's. The best way to do this is to yell, scream, and berate them at every chance you get. Make sure they know that they have no right to talk to their friends, go anywhere without you, make new friends, or talk to anyone else that has a penis. To top it all off you have to fuck at least two of their current friends, and one perfect stranger that you pick up in a bar. Just because they're not allowed to go out doesn't mean you have to live by those same rules. You have to make sure they know about you cheating as well. This will crush their self esteem even more and ensure that they think something is wrong with them so they have to try harder to win your love and affection. The best thing you can do is get them to start fighting with their friend over you. Make them hate each other and fight over who gets to actually have you. Be sure to continue fucking them both to draw this out for as long as you can. Because the longer they fight over you, the more it alienates them from their friends around them who don't have D.S. and can't understand for the love of Christ why they would fight each other over having a worthless shitstain like you in their life. Now, once you've gotten them fighting and hating one another you can start the process all over again with another of your woman's friends or one of the other woman's friends to draw her further into your douchiness. This is an endless cycle of pussy for you and they're never willing to actually walk away because once stuck in the Thrall of Douchebag Syndrome, no woman afflicted with it can willingly walk away from you.

Now, if you're like me, you're generally feeling pretty sick to your stomach right now. That nausea is good! It means you're not a Douchebag. For some reason about roughly 70-75% of the female population of this world is afflicted with D.S. and there is no known cure. Fellas, if you have a woman friend afflicted with this horrible mental disorder there is little you can do other than sit back and watch her destroy herself over and over again because if you try to interfere they'll hate you for it. If you chase off one of these douchemonkeys your friend will never speak to you again. Guys, you can't fight the power of the douche. The only thing you can do is help your friend pick up the pieces... douche after douche, after inhuman douche... or simply walk away. I suggest the latter of these options as, honestly, it just gets sad to watch. If you believe you can take advantage of these terrible symptoms and land you one of your women friends afflicted by this horrible disease and not want to punch yourself in the ballsack, then by all means do and please email me your findings. We're the only ones looking into this sad state of affairs and we must do all we can to research and diagnose Douchebag Syndrome.

Remember always my friends, the power of the DoucheSide is strong indeed. It's faster, easier to get a woman with a hot ass and banging titties using the DoucheSide. But in the end it will dominate you and ultimately consume you. Turning you into that which you hate... a womanizing Douchebag. Beware the power of the DoucheSide if you attempt to harness it.

Next week we'll look at the male version of D.S. Something I myself have struggled with for years and I believe I have finally conquered. Yes guys, next week we look into Psycho-Bitch-Mojo.

When WOMENZ ATTACK!

This is a little piece for the men out there. But ladies, feel free to read up too, I know your secret and I'm telling everyone! Let's get started.

Zombies, strippers, Israeli super ninjas. These are all terrifying and deadly foes. So far I've taught you, my adoring public, how to survive these heinous and terrible enemies. But they pale in comparison to the foe I'll introduce you to today. They lurk in your homes, in your workplace, and chances are you've spoken to at least one today since you woke up. Who are they? How can these vicious killers fit in with society? Well my friends, it's because they... are WOMENZ!!

Yes! WOMENZ! That cute little lovely lady that you invited into your home to live with you, that hot chick in the cubicle next to you at work, your *gasp* mom! Beneath their soft and warm exteriors of beautiful hair, enchanting eyes, captivating smiles, and boobies... ooohhhh the boobies..., lies a cold, calculating murderous fiend that will end you if you cross them! So how the hell are we, as men, supposed to deal with these masters of illusion. Well, lucky for you, I wrote it all down here for you. Now this will probably lead to my untimely demise but it was all worth it I tell you! Now remember, your woman doesn't WANT to murder you in your sleep. But she damn sure will if you step over that line buddy! So we'll start today with a few typical instances that can cause WOMENZ to ATTACK!!

1: The Lie!
We as men lie. We lie all the time. It's like a language to us. Mostly we lie to keep our woman from flipping out and going on a rampage. Nothing hurtful, just little things like telling her you're going to hang out with your buddy and neglect to tell her you're hanging out with him at the local strip club. Your woman however won't understand this. As she doesn't lie about such trivial things. If she's going to lie to you its going to be something big. Like, 'It's your baby' or something like that, nothing so little as to cover up a little bonding time with her gal pals. Men you gotta be careful with the lie. Because if she finds out, no matter how silly it is, she will attack. It won't be as brutal as some other attacks which we'll visit later but it'll be an attack none the less. Most of often when WOMENZ ATTACK! over a lie its usually something simple, like cutting you off for a week or maybe not talking to you for a day or two, which honestly is one of the reasons we as men do lie about little stuff alot. In hopes that it'll shut our women up for a few days as 'punishment' to us. Ahhhh the beauty of silence.

2: The Porn!
Some women get upset over their man looking at porn on the internet or in magazines. Most the time we men can't understand this but it usually boils down to something about how they feel inferior to the airbrushed models we look at. Ladies, we know you're not perfect, we love that about you. The reason we look at porn is alot like why you watch cooking shows on the food network... its shit we're never going to do! So while you like to fantasize about bunt cake and cooking that 5 course meal, come on, we both know its never gonna happen. Its like porn for us, its fun to look at and think 'Hmm that would be awesome' but we know its never gonna happen! Fellas be careful over the porn, for when WOMENZ ATTACK! over porn it can be brutal. Assaults on your manhood, stamina, and general lack of ability to satisfy her let alone some bimbo whore on that website will be put out there for weeks to come.

3: Your chick friend!
Ohhhhh this one is a sticky one my friends. For those of you men out there that don't know this yet, women hate all other women. Secretly sometimes but usually its just right out there. Chicks hate other chicks. They were brought up to look at each other like they're smelling onions. They don't trust their friends around their man much less trust some chick that maybe your friend and not their's. Why is this? Well it's hard for us as men to understand completely as we're capable of bonding with our buddies in way's chicks can't with their ladies. We can meet our buddy's girl and hit it off really well. For us we'll think 'Man I gotta get a chick like that.' For women, its different. If they meet one of their girl's boyfriends and they hit it off, they generally think they have to have HIM and they'll do anything to get him! Including murdering their friend and burying her under the train tracks down by the local woods.... don't ask me how I know that I just do! So if women don't trust their own friends they're certainly not going to trust some chick she doesn't know. Fellas, just don't do it. Its not worth the punishment that comes with this one. Yeah sure talk to your chick pal and stuff but for the love of all that is naked and ninja-like, DON'T hang out with her. For when WOMENZ ATTACK! over this, they're gonna fuck one of their guy friends. Yes women are allowed their male friends because as we all know the typical double standard of relationships applies here. They can hang with their pals you better not hang with your chick friend! Don't ask why. It's been that way since the woman's lib movement.

4: The fat ass question!
This is the most dangerous and well hidden sneak attacks in a woman's arsenal. Gentlemen I can't even begin to start on how tricky this one is. Honestly there really is no right answer when your woman asks you 'Does this make my ass look fat?'. It's going to happen to you someday. And she will only ask you this question if she's sick and tired of your bullshit and is ready to either a) kick your ass to the curb, or b) murder you in your sleep and dispose of the carcass late at night with some lime and concrete. You might survive this situation but only if you listen very closely to what comes next. You absolutely can NOT answer this question right so don't try. If you tell her no it doesn't, when it really does make her ass look like that sofa you bought the other week, then you're doomed because you lied to her! If you say 'Oh baby its just the dress.' she's going to be pissed because YOU didn't go help her pick out her dress for the wedding you're going to. And guys, don't make the mistake many men make. Yes, this question irritates us, but don't reply 'No baby your ass makes your ass look fat.' You WILL be found floating face up in the fountain downtown if you say this. Cops won't even investigate because they know what happened already. These sort of deaths happen alot and they're generally written off under the obscure 'Lady's Ass Act of 1978' law. Fucking liberals.

5: For no damn reason at all.
Guys what you have to realize is that your girl is insane. She's a murderous, vindictive, plotting, calculating, being of pure evil. And damnit we love them! You must strive at all times to keep your lady happy. Treat her with respect, love, warmth and caring. Be compassionate about the things (all five billion of them) that upset her and worry her. Don't say things like 'Hey baby get me another beer' and slap her on the ass. That's what actually got the first caveman that wasn't eaten by a sabertooth tiger killed. When you make love to your woman, FUCK THAT GIRL GOOD! Make sure she has an orgasm that makes her head swim every damn time. Cook her dinner now and then, take her out to someplace special and not just Burger King, or best of all plan a surprise and be spontaneous. Chicks dig that. Men if you do all this then when WOMENZ ATTACK! it will be less often and generally less deadly to your ballsack and self esteem. Because make no mistake about it they will attack. Often times without provocation or really any reason behind it. Because your woman is mad at you. Why? Who the fuck knows! The mystery of woman will never be solved and let's face it, all that craziness is a small price to pay for having someone you love in your life.

So until next time fella, strap on your helmets, buckle in tight, and hold on for dear life. And remember when WOMENZ ATTACK! not to make the biggest mistake of all... using logic. It doesn't work on them guys. We as men have a need to make sense and be logical when we argue, women are bound by no such weakness. What this means is you can't win... ever. Eeeeeeeevvveeerrr. Women, while they forget everything else, WILL remember every word you have ever said that pissed them off and remember every THING you have ever done to piss them off and they will all be hurled at you in the span of 30 to 45 seconds. This includes but is not limited to; that time you looked at the pretty girl walking by, when you forgot to say good morning, when you forgot to ask how her day was, any of the things discussed above, the time you looked at the ugly girl walking by, when you said you didn't like her friend, when you said you did like her friend, when you called her mom 'the old battleaxe', that time you made a joke about filling her friend's dish with water, anything you have ever said about another woman, anytime you have forgotten anything...ever, and the time you got mad at her for when she fucked your buddy.

Guys I'm not saying its fair, I'm just saying if you want a woman in your life.. these are just a few of the things you gotta do. Why the fuck do we have to jump through all these hoops? Well that's easy fellas. When your woman is happy with you, she'll let you touch her.... 'nuff said.

How to use the Bill of Rights as toilet paper: One easy step!

Hello again everyone! This week we'll be examining a current bill before the wonderful and caring men and women of the Senate. We'll also speak of the men responsible for trying to save us all from the evils of terrorism and give them the credit due to such brilliant thinkers.

Here it is folks, while perhaps looking good on paper this is one of those bills that is much like my ex girlfriend. It looks pretty hot from a few steps back. Up close its nice, has a pretty hot ass, nice full lips and pretty eyes. But before you know it, she's running around fucking everyone while you're not looking. The wording of the bill as it was introduced to the floor:

"The Terrorist Expatriation Act would allow the State Department to revoke the citizenship of people who provide support to terrorist groups like Al Qaeda or who attack the United States or its allies."

And:

"The State Department will make an administrative determination that a U.S. Citizen has indicated an intent to renounce their citizenship by supporting an FTO."

Well hmm, what's so wrong with that? In practice? Nothing. IF it were to remain true to the wording of the bill. However we've all seen how good our government is at turning legislation on its ear for its own purposes. The wording of the bill is 'support for a terrorist organization'. Also it turns taking YOUR rights from you into an administrative act, rather than a judicial one. You would never stand in front of a judge, never get a chance to plead your case. The reason this is so bloody terrifying is that our elected officials have no idea how to actually apply their laws. Look at the Patriot Act. Great in theory, would be awesome in application if done right. But a few years back it was used by the FBI to break up a cock fighting ring in Tennessee.

Now I'm not sure what men battling one another with their junk has to do with terrorism and I'm pretty sure the FBI overstepped their bounds, used the Patriot act to get an end around the law and these guys' right to play tummy swords with one another. Not only that but they used the Patriot Act as a way to keep Gay men from their right to cock fight with one another and....what? Chickens? Seriously they used it to break up a chicken fighting ring? Well that's even worse! Not only does our government hate Gay people but now they hate Chickens too!

So let's make this clear. Using this law in conjunction with other 'terrorist' laws that have been misused since their passing into law the U.S Government can label you a 'terrorist' for any sort of activity they don't like. The can use the Patriot Act to tap your phone, follow you, take pictures of you, record your private conversations with people, and if they don't like what you're doing they can arrest you as a terrorist for any law you happen to break, no matter how small it is. And once you're in custody for loitering, drunk in public, disorderly conduct, or actually going to the local korean massage parlor and getting that happy ending, they can label you a terrorist and strip you of your citizenship, which in turn, strips you to your right of due process.

The REALLY scary thing is that the Patriot Act clears the FBI and government agencies to pretty much spy on anyone they deem a 'threat'. That includes millions of americans already on 'watch lists' that are completely innocent of any wrong doing simply because they attend a rally or a protest or speak out loud about their distrust of the government or their lack of satisfaction with their elected officials. Hell I bet I'm on one of those lists. I bet you're on one of those lists for simply reading this blog.

Who could want to introduce such a vague and all encompassing law?

LIEBERMAN!! *Shakes his fist at the sky*

That's right folks. Of all the people that could come up with this shitty, ill thought out law it would have to be our old friend Droopy. Along with his pal, Ron 'Look at my pecs' Brown, he actually thought this would be a good idea! I share with you now the email I sent to Senator Lieberman's website.

"Dear Senator Lieberman,

You are either Darth Vader in disguise or the dumbest man to ever grace the Senate floor. Do you not realize that every law congress has ever passed dealing with terrorists and taking away rights of American citizens has been abused by every law enforcement agency in the country? Do you not realize this law would be abused as well? The wonders that the FBI has worked with the Patriot act are overshadowed by their abuses. The Terrorist Expatriation Act will only allow them MORE sweeping powers to arrest and take away the citizenship of anyone they or their superiors deem a 'threat'. Without standing in front of a judge to make that call. You want to hand the power to revoke an American's rights to 'administrative' actions. Are you insane? Are you high? I would like to think you're just high. So please, put down the crack pipe or the mushrooms or whatever the fuck you took before you thought this law up and do your fucking job. Your job is to represent Americans, not think of ways for the Government to control even more of our lives. If you don't think the Patriot act has been abused, check out the Cock Fighting ring it was used to break up in Tennessee. See how the RICO act is no longer used against organized crime but against normal citizens, even churches! You claim to be a man of the people. I say prove it. Take this bill off the table. For if it passes, I promise you that within 5 years it will be used to strip the rights of normal citizens that the government may not like. Political enemies, protesters, Sarah Palin! Well okay lock up Sarah Palin please. Seriously. Christ what a whack job that chick is. Otherwise, keep the government's already too large hands off of my rights!

Sincerely,
NN"

Let's here it for Droopy! This is a very real, and very serious bill that has been introduced. So I implore all of you to email your senators and ask them to vote this bill down. Also ask them to whip Lieberman on the senate floor. Somewhere the founding fathers are jumping up and down screaming for someone to challenge these pussies to a duel.

So in closing I say to you FUCK this bill and FUCK Droopy and Super Pecs for coming up with it. You two should be ashamed of yourselves and I hope the zombie of George Washington eats your brains.

Sensible Coats for Sensible Fanatics: Getting to the Bottom of the NYC Mosque Controversy

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Brains, Graves, and Boomsticks: The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies. That's right I said it. Zombies. I know what you're thinking. 'Naked One, why would you talk about zombies?' Well I speak of Zombies today because with all the crazy things going on in the world right now I feel we've taken our attention off the one single enemy that can and will someday rise up and devour all of humanity... or at least our brains. So my fellow brain possessing human beings I come to you today with advice on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

First we need to understand the motivations the zombies have. What is it they want? Well that's simply they want to chew on your brain. Why? Because that's what zombies do. While we don't understand this urge to eat brains any attempt to sit down and interview a zombie has resulted in the reporter having his brain eaten. So it's pointless to try to reason with a zombie as while you're trying to find common ground he'll be scooping your brain out with a spoon.

The very first thing we need to do as rational and intelligent people is make sure that the ultra left liberals don't try to pass a law through congress recognizing zombies as having the rights of human beings. Now the argument may be made that zombies were once human and as such are accorded all the rights U.S. citizens have. I tell you this now, this would be a major mistake. Not only are zombies not people but while congress debates and makes watered down legislation regarding zombie rights, the zombies will be out eating people's brains. We can't very well put a zombie on trial for murder and cannibalism. Even if we managed to subdue a zombie, how is a police officer going to read it it's Miranda rights? Furthermore all a zombie will say on the stand is 'brrrraaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnssss' and most likely eat his defense attorney.

Secondly we also need to make sure the ultra right doesn't declare a holy war on all zombies. While we do need to kill the zombies before they kill us we have to remember that not everyone with a bad skin condition or patchy hair is a zombie. Also while declaring a crusade on zombies we'll have to remember that other religions will likely see the zombies as an abomination before their god and want to destroy them as well. This will most likely lead to arguments over who has the right to kill the zombies. Which will undoubtedly lead to religious zealots the world over killing one another for the right to kill the zombies in the name of their God. Remember people, we have to stand before the zombies as a united people. All religions can come together to battle the zombies as one... except for the Canadians and their angry Moose God. Somehow I'm sure this is all their fault.

Now that we've established the ground rules we need to find a leader to save us from the zombies. It can't be our current leadership as they have little experience in dealing with zombies and would most likely decide on trying to hug them into submission. This is no time for pussies people! We need a strong, confident, and experienced leader. Someone who can lead troops into battle and who has dealt with overwhelming terror and forces before. Yes I thought of the zombie of George Washington too. But he's a zombie so he's right out. So who can lead us? Only one person has the qualities to lead us to victory over the horde of brain fiends... Bruce, fucking, Campbell. He's killed more zombies than any other person on the planet and what's more his quick wit and dry humor will endear him to even the most jaded of soldiers!

So what's the battle plan? Well while Mr. Campbell will come up with the actual battle plan I've some advice on how to start preparing. First you need to stockpile on human brains. They'll come in handy for laying traps and snares for the zombies as they come for you. Now remember they don't have to be the brains of smart people, zombies aren't that picky, but they do have to be fairly fresh. So what you need to do is take the brains of the stupid people around you. I know, I know. Murdering people isn't exactly the most noble of things to do but remember, it's you or them and why let morons live to only be eaten by the zombies anyway? Smart people need to set traps for the stupid and use their brains to set even more traps for the zombies. I know it sounds cruel but the stupid will not die in vain, for their sacrifice will ensure that you, the intelligent public, live on to keep the human species going. Remember to allow television pundits and political analysts to keep babbling their mindless drivel on the airwaves, this will ensure that they too fall to the zombies' brainlust. Also we must make congress stay in session without military guard, this is our chance to do away with those morons. Bruce Campbell will be installed as Lord Zombie Slayer and given complete control over our military forces to do battle with the undead.

So start preparing today my faithful. I've already a cooler full of brains and loaded my boomstick. Bring on the zombies!

Fence Wars: The REAL problem eh?

Ever since Arizona passed its state law allowing officers to investigate the immigration status of those they come into contact with via crime there's been a huge uproar. Well not huge, only one in three Americans don't agree with the law. (Stat check: One in three polled about the law were illegally in the country.) But according the main stream media, or as I call them 'Obama-sack-huggers', this law is wildly unpopular and unconstitutional. They seem to forget there's a law in the constitution that requires all immigrants to carry their papers on them at all times while in public.

But I digress! While I often blast the media for the one sided coverage of everything that has to do with politics I come before you today to blast them about not covering the REAL border threat that has yet to be addressed. Every year we deal with wide open borders that allow far, far too many highly dangerous and sexually deviant, moose loving, criminal masterminds into our midst. Yes my loyal subjects..err... friends! I'm talking about the Canadians!

But why would the Canadians want to come here? Well the reasons are many and easy to point out but more easily put into a metaphor. Living in Canada is like living in the upper apartment while the one below you is having a really great party. So of course they want to come here! Not to mention from all the reports over the years of Moose violence in Canada, that problem is only getting worse as the Moose population begins to organize for better strikes against the Canadian people. With no real military to protect them and being unable to convince America to send troops in to keep the moose from attacking... well its getting pretty desperate up there.

What about the mounties? Please. Other than their fancy red jackets and knee high nazi boots the Canadian Mounted Police have no actual training in law enforcement. They're like our version of the LAPD. While capable of senseless acts of violence against innocent motorists if you put them up against an actual criminal.... or a moose... they're completely helpless. So lacking protection from the moose and possessing a government that, from what I've been told, operates on the venerable 'Rock, scissors, paper' method, I can understand why there's been such a huge influx of Canadians quietly slipping into this country in the dark of the night... or by freeway.

Now I'm pretty sure we can spot these illegal Canadians by their parkas and heavy boots and gloves. After all Canada is basicly a frozen waste land with little more than snow, ice, yetis, and moose. The only thing that keeps their population from a mass exodus south is their incredible brewing industry. Canadian beer is largely believed to rival even Russian vodka in terms of potency. Only their fear of the wrath of their Eskimo overlords keeps the rest in check. Through their tactics of dragging off babies and old people into the night and feeding them to their angry Moose God, keeping the public slatheringly drunk, and their illegal drug cartels specializing in advil and tylenol PM distribution the Canadian public live in a constant state of fear of their mukluk wearing rulers.

Yes we should pity those that live with such tyranny. But as we all know we simple can't support anymore lay about illegals that mooch off the public works system even though they shouldn't even be able to tap into something like that seeing as how they're here illegally. Furthermore Canadians are taking hard working American jobs. Canadians are far more suited for cold climates so they're more adaptable to jobs like zamboni drivers, ice cream man, and of course, chopping large blocks of ice into those smaller cup sized ones you find inside of ice machines... still not sure how they fit in those little machines....

So my fellows, I present to you my solution. In one simple step we can halt the tyranny of the Canadian's eskimo overlords and slow the flood of illegal Canadian immigrants to our country. First we need to send in a highly specialized military unit to infiltrate into the frozen lands of Canada in silence and stealth so as to not alert them to our presence there. Then, they need to get to the ice shelves over the arctic and find the elusive food source that sustains the eskimos and eliminate it.

Yes my friends, we need to club all the baby seals we can find. By doing such we'll starve the eskimos of their natural food source, which by the way is what gives them their super human powers to enslave the rest of Canada. In the span of a few short years our highly trained corps of seal clubbers could bring freedom to the masses of Canada.

In short, the very future of our economy and well being depends solely on the skilled and merciless clubbing of baby seals. Lets get to work.

2012: The Year of the Naked One

In 2012 I'll be 36 years old and officially old enough to begin my conquest of the White House. Seeing as how I don't have the financial backing of any major corporations or industries yet I'll need to start out small with my campaign. So, where better to start than with you, my loyal and faithful lackies...err minions..uhm...readers...yeah that's the ticket. So remember, you read it here first! You'll be able to say 'I was there when it all started...'

So let's begin with my official declaration of candidacy:
I, your lord and master, being of sound body, mind, and bowels. Do hereby declare my candidacy for the position of President of the United States this 29th day of June, 2010. If elected I will work tirelessly to defend the great nation of America and it's public, at least the ones that voted for me, and to secure our nation from all threats, both foreign and domestic... that means you Martha Stewart!

What are going to be my campaign promises? Well that's a good question. One that I will address in good time. But as every politician will tell you, every successful campaign starts with a powerful message to the people. A platform to stand upon. So with that in mind we'll get started on that.

"I will avoid the sexual scandals that have marred politics for decades."
Hey that's a good one. How am I going to do that? Well as President I will be the most powerful man in the free world. Right behind Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Donald Trump, all the oil company CEO's, Walmart's board of directors, and Vince MacMahon. That will make it virtually impossible to avoid easy women that are attracted to power, no matter how small the penis may be....
So how will I do it? Simple. I won't. And I'll make sure the entire nation knows about it. There will be a webcam posted in every bedroom I ever sleep in as president. We'll charge pay per view prices which can then be applied to the national debt. Yes, my future nation, I'lll fuck many, many hot sluts to help pay off our national debt. Just doing my part. Who wouldn't want to log into www.theprezscrewssluts.com? I will surround myself with strippers at all times. News conferences, state dinners, golf outings, and overseas visits. I will constantly have an entourage of hot, half nude strippers ready at a moment's notice to give a no holds barred lap dance to anyone I may be trying to negotiate with at the time. Let's face it, it's harder to concentrate on anything when there's a pair of tits in your face and a naked woman gyrating on your junk. This will allow us as a nation to get the upper hand with any other country we may enter negotiations with.

"I will legalize weed."
Not only will I make weed legal, but I will also require every member of congress to smoke up before any and all legislation can be voted upon or even thought up. After all they already make up shit like they're high as fuck so why not actually BE high as fuck? This way I can veto all of their bills by simply saying 'Who the fuck thought of this?!? Were they high?' This will eventually lead to my declaring congress an utter failure. Which in turn I will use as a perfectly legitimate reason to order the bombing of congress by B-2 stealth bombers while they are in session. After which I will open up new elections for congress. If you're over the age of 55, a lawyer, make over $500,000 a year, or a politician that has been in any sort of office for more than 10 years, you cannot run for elected office in congress of any sort. Why? Because you're out of touch with what the common man needs. We don't need more pretty words and bipartisian bullshit.

"All the rapists, murders, and violent criminals in our prison system will be taken out back and beat to death with a hose."
But that's inhumane! One thing you must understand: In order to be inhumane you must be doing said actions upon humans. Which all of the above, are not. They're rabid animals and should be put down like one. Why should I burden you, my faithful public, with higher taxes to feed and house these things? Yes things, they're not really people. We can put said hose beatings on pay per view and put the money towards the national debt. But we'll broadcast them for free in juvenile halls across America. If that doesn't scare kids straight nothing will.

"I will abolish all political parties and make campaign 'donations' illegal."
This is actually a pretty simple one. Belonging to a 'party' that denotes every thought and vote that comes out of your head is being a sheep. Sheep don't lead others. Sheep chew on grass all day and get molested by the scottish. It's impossible to run a government when your lawmakers are being led around by special interest groups and political parties that buy or tell them how to vote. Not to mention the line of scotsmen waiting outside the capital building with their sheers and tubes of lube. If you want to get elected, connect with the people that are voting for you. Not the huge corporations that are ripping them off and making their lives more miserable than a catholic priest without an altar boy.

"The national religion will be determined by annual combat to the death."
If the big religions of the world want to fight each other so much, let's make it official. Every year we as a nation will hold a 'Tournament of the Gods'. Each major religious faction... hell ANY religious faction can enter a champion of their choice. Combat is physical melee only, no ranged weapons or guns. Which ever religious faction has the last man standing after the tournament will be the official state religion for that year. All other religions may still practice and be free of persecution but won't receive their tax exempt status for that year. Losing religious factions will be taxed a full 50% of their earnings for the year to be applied directly to the winner's military. Yes, they'll be required to field the army to fight all the losers for that year's tournament because as we all know, all the losers who are not the state religious faction will be trying to 'kill the infidels' because that's what religion is all about... 'Believe what I say or I'll hurt you!'

"I want the nuclear football and I want it now."
What? I want to push the shiny red button.


Forward my faithful! Together we can change the world! Now go forth and spread the word.

Angry strippers, platform heels, and YOU!: A naked ninja survival guide.

Seeing as how I, your faithful Lord and Master, work in a strip club many people want to know what it's like. Well when I tell them it's like being married to fifteen different women all at once, their fantasies of how it's the greatest job in the world tend to melt away. Now if you know me well enough you'll know that my mouth has a tendency to get ahead of my brain. While most of my friends find the trouble this causes me very, very funny, it can also cause a bit of grief for me.

So here you are my friends. Through my extensive experience in the strip club industry these past ten years I give you the Naked Ninja Guide to surviving a lynching by a mob of angry strippers.

Step 1: Knowing your enemy is key!
It doesn't matter what you did to deserve, or likely not deserve, said lynching. Calling one a bitch, forgetting to placate them with shots of hard alcohol, or telling them that dress does in fact make them look fat. All that matters is they're coming after you and you need to listen and listen well to survive. Strippers come in several varieties and sub-species. And knowing which type of stripper mob your dealing with will be critical in surviving this most dire of situations. A stripper 'mob' is much like a herd of any other sort of omnivore creature. It's often led by one, perhaps two alpha strippers. Whatever type of stripper is filling the role of 'alpha' at the time of your lynching is the stripper you most need to identify in order to survive. Here's how to identify them.
A: The hot chick stripper.
This type of stripper was the hot girl in high school. Well liked and popular, maybe a former prom or home coming queen. She's fallen on hard times since figuring out that her looks and willingness to fuck any football player that comes along isn't going to get her far in this world unless she manages to land an NFL player, which by now she hasn't. You can recognize this type of stripper by her undeserved sense of accomplishment, still looking down at people in a high school-ish manner, and her inability to shut the fuck up when telling others how to do their jobs. While dangerous when cornered as any stripper is, the hot chick type stripper is likely far too afraid of the other strippers to often come to the head of a mob, but it has been known to happen, such was the case in the Vegas Club Incident of September 2006. Dark days indeed.

B: The Goth Chick Stripper.
This type of stripper is fairly rare, since goth chicks generally disdain any and all forms of life. But every now and then you get one that can control their natural urge to insult and demean everyone around them just long enough to make some money. The goth chick stripper is generally an outsider in her life and prefers it that way, as most goth chick strippers hate all other females not of the goth persuasion. The goth chick is easily recognized by her dark make up, multiple facial piercings, pale complexion, and the burning hatred in her eyes. While not as dangerous as some other types of strippers, the goth chicks are highly accurate with nut-shots and headbutts.

C: The Nerdy Stripper.
This type of stripper is usually in college and is only stripping to make some extra cash. Often unaware of their actual hotness level most nerdy strippers are docile and gentle. The nerdy stripper is often shy and doesn't approach men for tips or dances, which makes her the one you most want to be in the head of a mob. If by some reason the other strippers have decided to follow a nerdy stripper you can easily escape while they debate the pros and cons of lynching your ass. However, angering the nerdy stripper is NOT recommended. As most of us on the net know, a nerd of any sort in a full on state of rage is the most dangerous animal on the planet, add to that the fact that the nerdy stripper has probably been groped by at least one lecherous old man that day and you're dealing with the most irrational and dangerous being you will ever, ever face. Run.

D: The Girl-Next-Door Stripper.
This type of stripper is always incredibly sweet, charming, adorable, and sexy. They were the girl in high school that everyone was friends with. She uses that charm to make her some money these days. You have to watch out for the girl-next-door stripper as she will work her way past any sort of bullshit alarm or early warning system you may have (I recommend the ACME No-shitzone 2000) and get close to you. They'll be a loyal friend and good companion from anything to movies up to criminal activity. However, making a girl-next-door stripper angry will result in all your worst secrets being shot out faster than semen from Peter North's cock. Be prepared to see a lot of whispering and hushed snickering as everything from the size of your junk to that embarrassing episode of bed-wetting you had in middle school is now public knowledge.

E: The Veteran Stripper.
While not a veteran of any war this type of stripper is just as shell shocked, battle fatigued, and traumatized as the baddest of Vietnam Vets. She's been at the stripping gig for well over ten years now and has seen it all. Literally. From men that want to be beat and peed on, to men that want to curl up in their lap and call them mommy. This is by far the most dangerous of all the strippers you will ever encounter. She hates you. Just by walking in the building she has already dreamed of stabbing you with a broken beer bottle and stealing your wallet before you've even sat down. You MUST be careful with the veteran stripper because just like any war weary veteran any little thing can send her off into a murderous rage the likes of which your balls will never survive.

Step 2: Create a distraction.
Now that you've recognized the type of stripper that's leading the mob coming after you its time to create a distraction. While strippers are easily distracted by shiny objects you may not be able to get that handful of coins out of your pocket in time. The best distractions are usually loud noises, bright lights, shouting things in a foreign language, or pointing out the nearest guy with a fat wallet. Above all else, never turn your back and run while they are looking at you, this invokes a stripper's instinct to pounce as she would in the wild.

Step 3: Try to look intimidating.
Strippers, for the most part, are fairly easy to startle. Like all women they have been hard wired to jump and girly scream if scared. This can provide you a chance to escape before they tie you a stake and burn you alive. Try waving your arms above your head and shouting 'boogie boogie boogie!!' at them as loud as you can. If that doesn't work stand your ground. Strippers generally won't charge right away if you stand your ground. Hold out one hand to them, palm facing them and proclaim that they should 'talk to the hand'. If all else fails, drop your pants. Most strippers have been groped, grabbed, and licked all day long against their will. This in turn has given them a temporary aversion to penises. So proudly whip your wang out and waggle it at them. As they cower, or more likely laugh uncontrollably, you can calmly zip up and get away.

Step 4: Go down swinging.
If you can't escape, and most likely you can't, you might as well go down like a champ. When they mob pounces on you, make sure you grab as many boobs as you can. After all they're already going to string you up by your nuts so what else can they do to you? As we all know there's plenty of worse ways to go out than being mauled to death by hot, half naked women. In fact my cousin Rob has actually asked to be executed this way for his crimes. (Who would have thought calling Hilary Clinton a 'used up dirty douchenozzle' was a capital offense?)


So there you have it my friends. Remember to use my years of experience and heed the advice of this Survival Guide and you too can live through a lynching by angry strippers!