Angry strippers, platform heels, and YOU!: A naked ninja survival guide.

Seeing as how I, your faithful Lord and Master, work in a strip club many people want to know what it's like. Well when I tell them it's like being married to fifteen different women all at once, their fantasies of how it's the greatest job in the world tend to melt away. Now if you know me well enough you'll know that my mouth has a tendency to get ahead of my brain. While most of my friends find the trouble this causes me very, very funny, it can also cause a bit of grief for me.

So here you are my friends. Through my extensive experience in the strip club industry these past ten years I give you the Naked Ninja Guide to surviving a lynching by a mob of angry strippers.

Step 1: Knowing your enemy is key!
It doesn't matter what you did to deserve, or likely not deserve, said lynching. Calling one a bitch, forgetting to placate them with shots of hard alcohol, or telling them that dress does in fact make them look fat. All that matters is they're coming after you and you need to listen and listen well to survive. Strippers come in several varieties and sub-species. And knowing which type of stripper mob your dealing with will be critical in surviving this most dire of situations. A stripper 'mob' is much like a herd of any other sort of omnivore creature. It's often led by one, perhaps two alpha strippers. Whatever type of stripper is filling the role of 'alpha' at the time of your lynching is the stripper you most need to identify in order to survive. Here's how to identify them.
A: The hot chick stripper.
This type of stripper was the hot girl in high school. Well liked and popular, maybe a former prom or home coming queen. She's fallen on hard times since figuring out that her looks and willingness to fuck any football player that comes along isn't going to get her far in this world unless she manages to land an NFL player, which by now she hasn't. You can recognize this type of stripper by her undeserved sense of accomplishment, still looking down at people in a high school-ish manner, and her inability to shut the fuck up when telling others how to do their jobs. While dangerous when cornered as any stripper is, the hot chick type stripper is likely far too afraid of the other strippers to often come to the head of a mob, but it has been known to happen, such was the case in the Vegas Club Incident of September 2006. Dark days indeed.

B: The Goth Chick Stripper.
This type of stripper is fairly rare, since goth chicks generally disdain any and all forms of life. But every now and then you get one that can control their natural urge to insult and demean everyone around them just long enough to make some money. The goth chick stripper is generally an outsider in her life and prefers it that way, as most goth chick strippers hate all other females not of the goth persuasion. The goth chick is easily recognized by her dark make up, multiple facial piercings, pale complexion, and the burning hatred in her eyes. While not as dangerous as some other types of strippers, the goth chicks are highly accurate with nut-shots and headbutts.

C: The Nerdy Stripper.
This type of stripper is usually in college and is only stripping to make some extra cash. Often unaware of their actual hotness level most nerdy strippers are docile and gentle. The nerdy stripper is often shy and doesn't approach men for tips or dances, which makes her the one you most want to be in the head of a mob. If by some reason the other strippers have decided to follow a nerdy stripper you can easily escape while they debate the pros and cons of lynching your ass. However, angering the nerdy stripper is NOT recommended. As most of us on the net know, a nerd of any sort in a full on state of rage is the most dangerous animal on the planet, add to that the fact that the nerdy stripper has probably been groped by at least one lecherous old man that day and you're dealing with the most irrational and dangerous being you will ever, ever face. Run.

D: The Girl-Next-Door Stripper.
This type of stripper is always incredibly sweet, charming, adorable, and sexy. They were the girl in high school that everyone was friends with. She uses that charm to make her some money these days. You have to watch out for the girl-next-door stripper as she will work her way past any sort of bullshit alarm or early warning system you may have (I recommend the ACME No-shitzone 2000) and get close to you. They'll be a loyal friend and good companion from anything to movies up to criminal activity. However, making a girl-next-door stripper angry will result in all your worst secrets being shot out faster than semen from Peter North's cock. Be prepared to see a lot of whispering and hushed snickering as everything from the size of your junk to that embarrassing episode of bed-wetting you had in middle school is now public knowledge.

E: The Veteran Stripper.
While not a veteran of any war this type of stripper is just as shell shocked, battle fatigued, and traumatized as the baddest of Vietnam Vets. She's been at the stripping gig for well over ten years now and has seen it all. Literally. From men that want to be beat and peed on, to men that want to curl up in their lap and call them mommy. This is by far the most dangerous of all the strippers you will ever encounter. She hates you. Just by walking in the building she has already dreamed of stabbing you with a broken beer bottle and stealing your wallet before you've even sat down. You MUST be careful with the veteran stripper because just like any war weary veteran any little thing can send her off into a murderous rage the likes of which your balls will never survive.

Step 2: Create a distraction.
Now that you've recognized the type of stripper that's leading the mob coming after you its time to create a distraction. While strippers are easily distracted by shiny objects you may not be able to get that handful of coins out of your pocket in time. The best distractions are usually loud noises, bright lights, shouting things in a foreign language, or pointing out the nearest guy with a fat wallet. Above all else, never turn your back and run while they are looking at you, this invokes a stripper's instinct to pounce as she would in the wild.

Step 3: Try to look intimidating.
Strippers, for the most part, are fairly easy to startle. Like all women they have been hard wired to jump and girly scream if scared. This can provide you a chance to escape before they tie you a stake and burn you alive. Try waving your arms above your head and shouting 'boogie boogie boogie!!' at them as loud as you can. If that doesn't work stand your ground. Strippers generally won't charge right away if you stand your ground. Hold out one hand to them, palm facing them and proclaim that they should 'talk to the hand'. If all else fails, drop your pants. Most strippers have been groped, grabbed, and licked all day long against their will. This in turn has given them a temporary aversion to penises. So proudly whip your wang out and waggle it at them. As they cower, or more likely laugh uncontrollably, you can calmly zip up and get away.

Step 4: Go down swinging.
If you can't escape, and most likely you can't, you might as well go down like a champ. When they mob pounces on you, make sure you grab as many boobs as you can. After all they're already going to string you up by your nuts so what else can they do to you? As we all know there's plenty of worse ways to go out than being mauled to death by hot, half naked women. In fact my cousin Rob has actually asked to be executed this way for his crimes. (Who would have thought calling Hilary Clinton a 'used up dirty douchenozzle' was a capital offense?)


So there you have it my friends. Remember to use my years of experience and heed the advice of this Survival Guide and you too can live through a lynching by angry strippers!