A Naked Ninja's Survival Guide: So you've accidentally invaded Isreal...

With all the hub bub going on over the blockade Isreal has against Gaza I've been getting alot of questions about what I think. Honestly, it doesn't matter what I think because, let's face it, Isreal could give a fuck what anyone thinks. Nor should they! Isreal is a small country, surrounded by crazy fuckers that want nothing more than to kill every one of them. Why? Lots of reasons. But I think the biggest one is that pretty much every country in the middle east attacked Isreal at once... and Isreal beat the fuck outta them all. So I think it's just a case of penis envy. Isreal proved they have the biggest stroke so to speak and lesser men everywhere seethed with jealousy.

But I digress! We're not here to talk about the politics, or cock envy, that is behind the middle east issues. We're here to discuss surviving your accidental invasion of Isreal. It doesn't matter what your motivation may have been. Be it a crazy attempt to run the blockade like any good 'peace activist', a single sojourn to punish the Chosen People, or just a drunken prank gone way, way too far. Let's get started.

First, you have to understand your enemy. Isreal. Let's look back here on things. Isreal was formed after WWII after the jewish people suffered greatly under the Germans. This was back before the Germans became the drunken pussies they are today. Back before leiderhosen were thought of as a good idea by anyone in their right mind. Back before the collective spine of Germany was ripped out and used as a ass crack scratcher by America. (Note: You're welcome France... you wine sipping cheese eating surrender monkeys.) The surrounding countries, most of arabic decent and muslim faith didn't like jews just being handed land. But that's for another time. Basicly they all decided to gang up and beat up Isreal and kick them off the school yard.

Isreal, being full of jews that were pretty much fed the fuck up with taking any shit from anyone of any sort, proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of all comers. It was made clear over the next five decades or so that Isreal wasn't going to put up with any hijinks from their neighbors.. or really anyone for that matter. Gone were the days of suffering under the tyrany of another. It's widely believed that israeli men can actually decapatate an enemy with nothing more than their swinging cocks. Why? Because they fucking can! And can you think of anything more terrifying on the battlefield or in the dead of night than seeing one of your comrades in arms cut down by a naked israeli swinging his junk around like a saber? I thought not.

So here you are. Invading Isreal even while knowing the horrors of penial decapitation that awaits you. Now that you know your enemy and the death that surely awaits you I will attempt to help you survive this most dire of situations. First thing you have to keep in mind is that they will fucking kill you. Why? You're the moron that's trying to invade remember? I know, I know you want to argue the legality of Isreal's right to exist. Or call them tyrants that are oppressing a people. Oh! I know, you don't recognize Isreal as a nation so how could you possibly be doing anything illegal? Well numbnuts, Isreal recognizes YOU as some douchenozzle trying to crash their party. It doesn't matter what you think, all that matters is what the bad ass jews with the big guns and their Star of David shuriken coming at you think. And they think you're toast. So now that we have semantics out of the way and you understand you're going to have to do more than whine like virgin on prom night to survive this, let's get started.

Step 1: Dress like a roman centurion.

Jewish people have a deep, innate fear of the Roman Legions of old. Why? Cause they used to feed jews to lions for fun! Seriously! Granted they used to feed christians, pagans, gauls, goths, africans, greeks, other romans, and their mothers-in-law to the lions too. But the jewish folk took it on the chin here... alot. So if you're going to survive your encounter with Isreali special forces you gotta look the part to draw out their ancient fears. They may not even know why seeing you dressed up like a centurion makes them afraid, it just does.

Remember to speak in latin. Why? It's what the romans spoke you fucktard.

Remember not to charge or corner any of them, you're trying to survive here and either of these actions may snap them out of their fear, resulting in your swift and painful death.

Step 2: Don't make any sudden movements.

Israeli special forces, while incredibly deadly and accurate have one fatal flaw. Their vision is based on movement. So if you don't move they can't see you. While I've been told this is absolutely not true and is a direct rip off of Jurassic Park, I've yet to have anyone that I've taught how to survive invading Isreal return and refute this wild assumption... or return. So until then I'm sticking with it.

Step 3: Make sure to announce all plans to invade Isreali territory.

Contact media outlets of any kind. Give your trip's itinerary and by all means make sure that Isreal knows your coming. While this may seem counter-productive what it will provide is an army of sychophant media followers that will do anything they can to expose the 'barbarism' of Isreal. How DARE they defend themselves against an illegal intrusion upon their territory? Also, be sure to call yourself and any of your army 'activists'. This will further infuriate the nations of the world onto your side. While they won't actually do anything to help you, after all they're scared shitless of Isreal too, they will condem Isreal's kicking your ass all over the place. Isreal will, in return, continue to give the nations of the world a huge, giant, collective middle finger.

Step 4: Don't use clubs, sticks, knives, or other pussy means of attacking Isreal.

As we've seen from recent footage of the raid on the flotilla headed for Gaza, hitting Isreali special forces with big sticks, stabbing them with knives or throwing them off a boat just pisses them off. And when you piss them off they're going to kill you. So I suggest calling them bad names or waving your penis at them menacingly. While this won't help with your invasion of Isreal, it may cause the soldiers to become incapacitated with laughter long enough for you to run the fuck away. Never insult their mothers though. Insulting an isreali soldier's mother will bring down a shit storm on your head you just don't want.

Step 5: Escape as fast as you can.

The last thing you want to do is hang around after accidentally invading Isreal. As I stated at the start of this article, it doesn't matter why you've invaded Isreal it just matters that you have. And now you've a horde of fed up half bezerker, half enraged killing machine, half ninja, all pissed off jews on your hands. The best thing you can do right now is grow curly sideburns, put on a goofy looking hat and fall to your knees shouting something about Moses and frogs. Provided you can't do that make sure you have a pair of stone tablets you can throw at a golden calf idol you have strategically placed to distract them. By all means don't just stand there! For the love of Abraham run!

Remember these few facts about Isreal and they may help you but most likely not.

A. Isreal was voted most likely to kick your ass in it's senior yearbook.

B. Pictures of Jon Stewart are likely to anger Isreal. No one knows why.

C. Ninjas didn't fade away. Isreal invented time travel, went back in time, learned their secrets and skills, then killed them for fear of anyone else learning such means of awesomeness.

D. Even though I'm a ninja, my only skills include drinking to excess and being naked. Therefore I pose no threat to Isreal. (Don't kill me)

As you see there's very slim chance for you to survive your accidental invasion of Isreal. But by following these simple instructions as I have laid out, not only will you still most likely not survive but you'll provide hours of entertainment for the rest of us. Those of us that are smart enough not to provoke this nation of highly paranoid, highly skilled, well equiped and proud people, will enjoy the video footage of some ass puppet getting the shit beat out of them. Remember, it's you that makes our world a brighter place. Good luck on your invasion!