2012: The Year of the Naked One

In 2012 I'll be 36 years old and officially old enough to begin my conquest of the White House. Seeing as how I don't have the financial backing of any major corporations or industries yet I'll need to start out small with my campaign. So, where better to start than with you, my loyal and faithful lackies...err minions..uhm...readers...yeah that's the ticket. So remember, you read it here first! You'll be able to say 'I was there when it all started...'

So let's begin with my official declaration of candidacy:
I, your lord and master, being of sound body, mind, and bowels. Do hereby declare my candidacy for the position of President of the United States this 29th day of June, 2010. If elected I will work tirelessly to defend the great nation of America and it's public, at least the ones that voted for me, and to secure our nation from all threats, both foreign and domestic... that means you Martha Stewart!

What are going to be my campaign promises? Well that's a good question. One that I will address in good time. But as every politician will tell you, every successful campaign starts with a powerful message to the people. A platform to stand upon. So with that in mind we'll get started on that.

"I will avoid the sexual scandals that have marred politics for decades."
Hey that's a good one. How am I going to do that? Well as President I will be the most powerful man in the free world. Right behind Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Donald Trump, all the oil company CEO's, Walmart's board of directors, and Vince MacMahon. That will make it virtually impossible to avoid easy women that are attracted to power, no matter how small the penis may be....
So how will I do it? Simple. I won't. And I'll make sure the entire nation knows about it. There will be a webcam posted in every bedroom I ever sleep in as president. We'll charge pay per view prices which can then be applied to the national debt. Yes, my future nation, I'lll fuck many, many hot sluts to help pay off our national debt. Just doing my part. Who wouldn't want to log into www.theprezscrewssluts.com? I will surround myself with strippers at all times. News conferences, state dinners, golf outings, and overseas visits. I will constantly have an entourage of hot, half nude strippers ready at a moment's notice to give a no holds barred lap dance to anyone I may be trying to negotiate with at the time. Let's face it, it's harder to concentrate on anything when there's a pair of tits in your face and a naked woman gyrating on your junk. This will allow us as a nation to get the upper hand with any other country we may enter negotiations with.

"I will legalize weed."
Not only will I make weed legal, but I will also require every member of congress to smoke up before any and all legislation can be voted upon or even thought up. After all they already make up shit like they're high as fuck so why not actually BE high as fuck? This way I can veto all of their bills by simply saying 'Who the fuck thought of this?!? Were they high?' This will eventually lead to my declaring congress an utter failure. Which in turn I will use as a perfectly legitimate reason to order the bombing of congress by B-2 stealth bombers while they are in session. After which I will open up new elections for congress. If you're over the age of 55, a lawyer, make over $500,000 a year, or a politician that has been in any sort of office for more than 10 years, you cannot run for elected office in congress of any sort. Why? Because you're out of touch with what the common man needs. We don't need more pretty words and bipartisian bullshit.

"All the rapists, murders, and violent criminals in our prison system will be taken out back and beat to death with a hose."
But that's inhumane! One thing you must understand: In order to be inhumane you must be doing said actions upon humans. Which all of the above, are not. They're rabid animals and should be put down like one. Why should I burden you, my faithful public, with higher taxes to feed and house these things? Yes things, they're not really people. We can put said hose beatings on pay per view and put the money towards the national debt. But we'll broadcast them for free in juvenile halls across America. If that doesn't scare kids straight nothing will.

"I will abolish all political parties and make campaign 'donations' illegal."
This is actually a pretty simple one. Belonging to a 'party' that denotes every thought and vote that comes out of your head is being a sheep. Sheep don't lead others. Sheep chew on grass all day and get molested by the scottish. It's impossible to run a government when your lawmakers are being led around by special interest groups and political parties that buy or tell them how to vote. Not to mention the line of scotsmen waiting outside the capital building with their sheers and tubes of lube. If you want to get elected, connect with the people that are voting for you. Not the huge corporations that are ripping them off and making their lives more miserable than a catholic priest without an altar boy.

"The national religion will be determined by annual combat to the death."
If the big religions of the world want to fight each other so much, let's make it official. Every year we as a nation will hold a 'Tournament of the Gods'. Each major religious faction... hell ANY religious faction can enter a champion of their choice. Combat is physical melee only, no ranged weapons or guns. Which ever religious faction has the last man standing after the tournament will be the official state religion for that year. All other religions may still practice and be free of persecution but won't receive their tax exempt status for that year. Losing religious factions will be taxed a full 50% of their earnings for the year to be applied directly to the winner's military. Yes, they'll be required to field the army to fight all the losers for that year's tournament because as we all know, all the losers who are not the state religious faction will be trying to 'kill the infidels' because that's what religion is all about... 'Believe what I say or I'll hurt you!'

"I want the nuclear football and I want it now."
What? I want to push the shiny red button.


Forward my faithful! Together we can change the world! Now go forth and spread the word.