So you've got an oil spill: The Naked Ninja's Guide to Enviromental Protection

So apparently there's some sort of oil in the Gulf of Mexico or something. Has anyone else heard about this? Well it seems to have alot of people up in arms over it and there hasn't seemed to be much of a response. So I've decided to lay out my plans for how to deal with this oil spill if I were president, instead of just a guy with an overactive imagination and a flare for naked debauchery. Ready? Here we go.

Step 1: Ignore it.
Like with all issues I find that ignoring it tends to make it go away. At least for a little while. Don't make any public statements, don't go to see things first hand, and for the love of god get some fucking golf in. Golf solves the world's problems. One day, world peace will be achieved through golf. Seriously. We all know golf is a gentleman's sport... and if we're talking Tiger here, a gentleman's club sport. Gotta love them strippers. Mmmmmm... titties....

Step 2: Blame the other guy.
Do whatever it takes to shift blame away from yourself. Is it your fault the oil rig blew up? No of course not. It was the guy in office before you. Make sure to play off the almost universal and irrational hatred for the guy that was in office before you. Yeah he's been gone for over a year now, but people still hate him so blame that guy. If that doesn't work blame the company. It is their fault after all. It's also their fault that they took advantage of shitty regulation, corrupt officials, poor enforcement, and outright bribery. I mean COME ON these are just government people here. Bribery is part of the job. It's expected. It's not your fault that the people in your administration are taking money from these guys! After all what are you supposed to do, watch what your people do or something? Pfft. You're not a babysitter. It's not part of your job to monitor the people that work for you. Now let's play some fucking golf.

Step 3: Don't make any public appearances before at least 30 days.
Oil spills are tricky things. And really, you got shit to do. Like go golfing and maybe take the family on vacation.. twice. For the love of all that is holy don't go down there before you give the inept, corrupt, greedy company that caused this fucking mess time to clean their shit up. After all, you have to let them fuck up enough and consistently so that you can act all mad at them. Again make sure you deflect any sort of personal responsibility for any of this mess. Or any responsibility of your administration. Remember... it's not your fault so there is no reason to show any sort of urgency or really that you give a fuck about anything. Remember... golf, the fairway is calling.

Step 4: Act pissed and indignant.
Okay so the public is really pissed off now and they're saying you're not doing enough to stop this mess or hold the company accountable. Well who the fuck are they to question you? You have to remember one thing when dealing with the peasants...errr... public. They're beneath you. You're better than them. So they don't have a clue as to how to actually do shit. That's your job. So make sure to hold a press conference and remind the public that they're all dipshits and just this side of mentally retarded. Make sure to make all your mad faces and use strong language. After all you had to put your golf clubs down for this shit.

Step 5: Come up with silly plans to stop the leak
Well now that all these idiots are pissed off about this oil you'll probably have to do something about it. So, play one last game of golf and then get to work on some plans. First things first though you need to make sure that any anger from the public gets switched over to the oil company. Otherwise you may have to make some changes or admit there was wrong doing in your administration. Since you and I both know you're the second coming of Jesus.. or whatever savior of choice.. we both know you can do no wrong. You're not only the leader of your country your the fucking messiah and god damnit no one is going to tell you that you're wrong. So let's come up with some plans already...

Plan A: Throw some shit on it.
We all know oil and water don't mix. It's like elephant and pig DNA. So throw something on the water to soak up the oil. Who cares what as long as it looks like you've got some brilliant plan to soak up all this fucking oil. And try to make sure it seems as 'natural' as possible. People are big on 'green' shit these days to pander to these assholes. Tell them that human hair would be awesome and send salons across the nation into a panic about collecting hair they cut off. Next tell them that wool works, right off the sheep. Better yet tell them to throw the sheep in the water too! Not only will this make them feel like they're helping with the oil spill but its also highly amusing to watch a sheep give that 'What the fuck?!?' look as they're tossed overboard. You Tube videos ensue.

Plan B: Get your buddies in the media to help out.
You're going to need some damage control here. So make sure all your pals in the media who helped you get elected in the first place start digging up dirt on the oil company. Make sure they don't place the blame on your people that accepted bribes and gifts from the company.. or the poor regulation and shitty enforcement of the laws that would have prevented this.. no no. Tell them to focus on the company. Soon enough they'll whip the public into a frenzy and they'll soon be calling for the company's head on a platter. Which you and your friends in the media can readily serve up for them.

Plan C: For the love of Christ, get some fucking golf in.
You're gonna be pretty stressed out after doing a few days worth of work and deflecting all this anger and blame to somewhere other than you. After all you're not to blame, you're beyond reproach. You're the chosen one after all, even Oprah said so. And we all know that fat hog is never wrong. And if you say she is she'll sue your ass so drop it. The fairways are calling and it's time to pick up those clubs you put down the other day. Get out there and get 18 in before noon!

In closing let's remember the most important thing here. This isn't your fault so you don't really have to put that much effort into it. No one can honestly blame you for something that happened on your watch anyway, we all know everything that goes wrong during your administration is the other guy's fault. Just ask Jon Stewart.