Nekid Peoples

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Body Scanners and Cavity Searches: My holiday TSA Encounter

Well folks as we all know TSA, the federal agency responsible for airport security around the nation has started to replace their metal detectors with body scanners. Normally these were just meant to be used for those that set off the metal detectors. A 'second line' if you will. However as our government is often known to do the TSA has simply just started making them mandatory for everyone. Now what's a body scanner? Well its a machine that you step into and it creates a digital image of you.. nekid. So it's the holidays and I have to make my yearly trip to the Arctic for baby seal clubbing. Shut up I'm doing my part to free the Canadians. What are you doing? Thought so. Anyway, this is how my yearly trip through airport security went.

I arrived at the airport a good hour and a half before my flight was to take off. After all we know that getting through security takes long enough as it is, they're so careful with the anal cavity search... Upon arriving at the gate I began to take my shoes off as per usual when I was informed by a TSA agent I no longer needed to. Thinking I had just won some sort of strange holiday security pass I thanked my lucky stars that I wouldn't have to go through my annual explanation of why I had a three foot spiked club packed in my bags, after all as we all know baby seal skulls are quite thick. That's when the my personal odyssey began....

TSA Agent: Sir you'll just have to step into the body scanner booth there.

Me: What? What's a body scanner?

TSA: Well sir, it's the replacement for the metal detectors as they don't pick up a lot of things that can be used to make bombs or do harm.

Me: Oh so it just looks for weird things?

TSA: Well it creates a digital image of your body for inspection in a private screening area.

Me: ... So... you're taking naked pictures of me? Why? And why is someone looking at them in private?

TSA: Well sir, that's so no one else can see them...

Me: Are you sure it's not some weird nerdy guy in there pleasuring himself to the hot chicks?

TSA: I assure you....

Me: Good because I mean.. if they're expecting another hot chick they can touch themselves to you better warn them that it's actually me, a fat white man from the midwest who never met a beer he didn't like.

TSA: I'm sure they'll be fine sir.

Me: Well still, warn them that a mild sense of nausea when seeing me naked is fairly normal.

TSA: It's not really about....

ME: And no tiny dick jokes either! I swear if I hear any fat guy with a little dick came through the body scanner jokes in a week I'm going to sue you fuckers for slander!

TSA: Sir, slander is untrue statements....

ME: Touche my good man, touche.

TSA: Please step in, sir.

ME: *After stepping inside* Hey this is pretty neat. So how's this work? Hey this sticker here says caution low level x-rays!

TSA: Sir you have to step back in there.

ME: Are you trying to fry my sperm? Make them retarded? Well okay fry them? You didn't even give me one of those nut shields the dentist gives you!

TSA: Well if we did the x-rays wouldn't get a full view of your body. And they're very low level sir they don't even penetrate skin.

ME: .... Well. Okay.

TSA: *After a few seconds and some laughter from the people in line behind me, he peeks back into the booth* Sir! You have to stand still... why are you dancing like that? And... pull you're fucking pants back up sir!

ME: What? Look dude if someone is going to see me naked I'm going to try to spice it up a bit for them. I mean come on how boring is it to just stare at dick and titties all day? No dancing or entertainment in that!

After this I was whisked away, pants still around my ankles, to the side area where apparently they search you by hand. The process was explained to me by a rather burly looking fellow with what I believe was a Village People tattoo on his left forearm.

ME: Can I get a chick to do this?

TSA: Policy is same sex, sir. That way it can't be taken as sexual.

ME: So what do you do if the person is gay?

TSA: *Pause* Policy is same sex, sir. That...

ME: Well it's not big deal to me. You big sexy man. *playful winking follows*

TSA: .......

ME: Now do you perform anal searches too?

The agent left the area and went over to talk to what I can only assume was his supervisor. The pair returned after a short but animated conversation. I made sure to adjust my junk every time the poor bastards looked over at me, smiling coyly.

Supervisor: Sir we really need you to cooperate here...

ME: I just asked what you do if gay people come through here. I mean come on.

Supervisor: Policy is policy sir.

ME: Well alright then. Proceed Mr. Man.

After a fairly normal frisking the poor agent started moving his hands lower, poking my stomach and eliciting a doughboy like giggle which caught him by surprise. Once his hand went below the belt I had two options to permanently scar this man. I could wiggle my eyebrows at him playfully and let out a little coo while pushing my junk at his hand more. Or, option B, which I chose. Widening my eyes in surprise as I gasped in horror before shouting repeatedly at the top of my lungs, 'I NEED AN ADULT!!!'

To say the TSA was unamused would be an understatement. They threatened not to let me on the plane if I didn't behave myself. Well, I couldn't let the Canadians down like that. Clubbing baby seals was just my small way of trying to free them from their Eskimo Overlords. So after getting the TSA agent to agree to at least get me a lollipop after the pat down I agreed. I decided not to let them have the last laugh however. Upon landing in Canada I pulled out my trusty cell phone and dialed the local police station back home.

Detective: How can I help you sir?

Me: Yeah I'd like to report being sexually assaulted.

Detective: Okay. Can you tell me what happened?

Me: *Using my best choked up and crying voice, note I had to sit on my balls to bring out the desired effect.. I wouldn't recommend it.* Well I was going to get on a flight today. And they wanted to take naked pictures of me to pass around the office and then they had to play with my balls for a while! They said if I didn't I couldn't get on the plane. They made me turn my head and cough.... they made me cough.. *sniff*

Detective: Who did sir?

Me: The guys from the TSA!

Detective: Sir, that's normal security protocols now.

Me: You're in it with them!

Detective: *click*

Me: ATTICA!!!!!!!

After not being able to even turn to the police for protection there was only one option left. One man that would see these new invasive protocols for what they were and reach out to America and inform them of his plot.... Jon Stewart.

Secretary: Daily show offices, how may I help you.

Me: I need to speak to Jon please.

Secretary: One moment. *A few clicks and some elevator music for a few minutes.*

John: This is John.

Me: Stewart! I need your help! I know we don't see eye to eye on some things but I just got molested in an airport by....

John: You again! Look I told you I'm not Jon Stewart. He doesn't take random calls.

Me: *pause* Yyyyyoooooouuuuu!

John: Please stop calling.

Me: *pause* I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!

*click*

I was done. I couldn't warn America. I had failed my future subje...errr.. people who voted for me. Stewart didn't care about the new policies. After all it was Obama's security chief in TSA that came up with it and according to Stewart, Obama could do no wrong. No, he wouldn't stand up against the molestation of America. There was only one thing left to do for the day.

*Ring* Bill Maher speaking.

Me: FUCK YOU BILL! *click*

There was nothing left I could do. Sitting around the house watching TV later that day I watched an interesting interview on the Super Douche and Friends hour... err I mean the Glenn Beck show. According to Mr. Beck if you don't let the man at the airport feel your sack... the terrorists win. This confused me. I've fought terrorists. It was part of my job in the Marines. I remember a lot of explosions and gun fire. A knife or two.. even an incident involving a stick and someone's eye. But I've never had a terrorist try to run up and cup my ballsack tenderly. Granted I had no idea what they were shouting at the top of their lungs during gun fights. I suppose it could have been 'I want to touch your balls!' in arabic. It's fair to say I wouldn't know the difference between that and 'Die American pig-dog!'

And then I saw it. On the news there was the director of the TSA warning America not to boycott the added security measures for the holiday season. He was warning us! There he was, standing at a podium all poised like he wasn't some nut hungry monster! 'You will let us fondle your gonads lovingly! Or else America!!!', He told us.. or at least something like that. We have been taken prisoner. In order to see our families this holiday season we must subject ourselves to having some stranger cop a feel. For men this is just terrible. It's pretty cool to stand there and watch cute TSA agents cup a woman's boobs though. Yay lesbians!

So in closing my friends, if you too are doing any traveling this holiday season. Make sure to wear an athletic supporter. For there is nothing we can do against this invasion upon our privacy and civil rights. Once again our government encroaches on our freedoms. They say you have to sacrifice freedom for safety... well no one ever asked me if I thought this was a good trade. As always America! Be on the look out. You never know when some nut hugging terrorist is going to creep into our airports!

1 comment:

  1. LMAO I've worked in prisons the TSA has nothing on me!

    ReplyDelete