Back to the Future: A glimpse at the 2012 Presidential Debates!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Campaign 2012: Updates and thoughts on 2010 Elections. A.K.A. The reclaimation of Ineptitude and Obstructionism in politics

So apparently last Tuesday's day of reckoning has helped America 'reclaim' our country. The following morning President 'Schlomo' Obama gave a news conference about how he hopes to work together with incoming republicans to move forward. He used the word 'together' alot. He's apparently forgotten how he has told the republicans to, and I'm paraphrasing here, 'Go fuck yourselves' for the last 18 months or so. Pushing through legislation that was both confusing and not well sold to the public. Any law requiring people to buy anything is unconstitutional at its very core, weather it be health insurance, car insurance, or twelve inch rubber dicks. The government has no right to tell us to purchase anything with the money we earn through working. While democrats speak of how the health care bill will help millions and republicans bitch and moan about how it will cost the tax payers money you don't hear any of them griping about the main issue. That the law will make Insurance companies billions. Why? Because you HAVE to buy insurance now. From them. The regulations in it are weak, complicated, and ultimately futile in their attempt to reign in the daily rape of the American public by the countries biggest offenders, the Insurance Conglomerates.

Here's my issue with Insurance Companies. You pay them a premium for financial help just in case something happens to you. When something does happen, that same company you've been paying money for years and years and asked for nothing in return... does every thing it can to not to live up to it's obligations to you. This is a given, there is no exception to this rule. Every Insurance company will try their best to fuck you out of the help they promised you in exchange for the money you've payed them over the years. When they do have to pay out they fight you tooth and nail. These crooked bastards have worked closely with the Health Care industry to drive costs up so high that you have to get insurance or you'll be turned away from a doctor unless you're bleeding out on their floor.. and even then they'll stop the bleeding and send you back out the door with a few bandaids and a pat on the back. This health care reform, in its current form and wording WON'T stop this practice. People can point out all the things it's SUPPOSED to do, but as it stands right now all this law requires is that people buy insurance come 2014, the wording in the law will allow insurance companies loopholes and ways out of paying. So all this law does now in it's current form is force people to spend money on something that won't work for them when it's needed.

Now, lets take a look at how this huge turn around election will effect you and me. Safe to say that it will change... nothing. Democrats and Republicans will spend the next two years finger pointing, bitching, calling each other names, and blaming each other for the problems this nation faces. All the while they'll be taking their obligatory payments from their sponsors in corporate America. Basicly think of it as walking down a dark alley at night. Suddenly hundreds of individuals jump out of the shadows, beat the crap out of you, steal your wallet, and bend you over the dumpster before running a train on you. All the while they're yelling and screaming at each other about how evil and wrong the other guys are for stealing your money and sodomizing you with random alley items... while they're stealing your money and sodomizing you with a bat. In short, my friends, I say to you fuck these guys. If you want real change, 2012 is the year to bring it about. I give to you all new Campaign goals and promises. On top of my old ones these shall help guide America back to an era of prosperity and... okay well maybe not prosperity but at least accountability. Let's get started.

1: The Brutalize your Representative/Senator Act.
All too often our politicians today promise to do something upon election and then once there, go completely the other way. I'm not talking about those that promise to try to pass legislation and then are unable to get that legislation through, if they try at least they're keeping their word. I'm talking about the ass clowns that promise to work together with opposing parties or other such nonsense then once they get to Washington they proceed to be the loudest, most obvious voice of discontent. So once elected I will introduce the Brutalize your Representative/Senator Act. This law will hold our elected officials to their word and campaign promises. If they don't stick to their word the people that voted them into office are invited, twice a year, to a public and open beating of said elected official. The official is shackled in a central area of the city, just like times of old and people can come by and throw shit at them, beat them with provided canes, or piss on them.. literally, as they have been figuratively pissing on you.

2: Campaign finance reform will pass.... or else.
I'll give Congress just one month to pass common sense laws that make the legalized bribery I.E. lobbying, illegal. As well as laws to keep corporations from buying elections and to level the playing field for everyone. Special interests will be excluded from elections at all costs. If they fail to abide by this demand I will bomb congress. How will I bomb congress? That's the easy part. I'll hold a lottery. We'll use the money to pay for the C4 explosive that we'll line every seat in congress and the senate with. The winning ticket will recieve the right to push the detonator during a random session of congress. Before we actually do push the button though we'll have several 'walk throughs' just to scare the shit out of them and perhaps see if they actually get some god damned work done rather than pointing fingers and calling names. See, I'm good with motivating others.

3: National Beat a Pundit Day.
Who hasn't wanted to smash Glenn Beck in the face with a shovel or feed Sarah Palin a steel toe boot to the grill? Maybe string Stewart up by that smarmy grin of his? Sodomize the entire cast of MSNBC with a nine iron? I dare say most of have wanted to do at least one. Well I give to you National Beat a Pundit Day. Every year on the first monday of every November we'll pull a random television or radio pundit's name out of a big fucking hat. Once again we'll hold a lottery before hand and the winning ticket will get to brutally beat down the pundit who's name has been chosen. All proceeds go to the national debt.

4: I will impregnate Jessica Alba, the old fashioned way mind you!
Come on. Like you wouldn't?

5: Pot will be legalized.
I will however make it illegal for Corporate America to sell it. This way people get their weed and will be far, far too high to pay attention when I bomb congress and give the military and police forces around the country a huge payraise, then declare myself Emperor. I promise to wear the dark robes and figure out how to do that lightning shooting thingie that we all think just rocks. After declaring myself Emperor I will have Vice-President Christopher Bush dipped in a lake of lava and then secured in black plastic armor with a really loud respirator attached. Why? Because he can take it and as we all know chicks dig scars.

6: Oliver Stone will be banned from making any more movies.
Seriously dude, just stop already.

And now for a list of campaign promises I won't keep, as we all know every politician has to have one. So here's a quick list:

1: I'll balance the budget.
2: I'll give everyone a tax break.
3: I will personally rob every rich person in America and give back to the poor like Robin Hood.
4: I will not declare myself Emperor.
5: I will not abuse my position in any way!

Remember folks, 2012, the year of the Naked One!

Breaking the Silence; Douchebag Syndrome and you.

Well it's been a while since I had the time to write up a little something so here we are. Working where I do I often see women mixed up with the entirely wrong type of guy. Women who could have pretty much anyone they want, dealing every day with some out of work loser that cheats on them, takes the money they do have for stupid shit, and just generally treats them like crap. I've struggled for years trying to figure out what it is these guys have that keep women drooling over them. I believe it's an as to yet undiscovered medical problem. Something in these women's brains that sets them on the path of heavy breathing and salivating when one of these asshats is around. For the sake of this blog we'll call it Douchebag Syndrome. We'll dissect this horrible and tragic mental disorder and point out how you, the non-douchebag, can take full advantage of it to land a hot chick with low self-esteem. Let's get started.

The first thing we need to do here is describe the sort of guy Douchebag Syndrome attracts these women to. The main thing is that you can't work. If you have a job, quit. Stop applying for jobs if you don't have one. Sit on your ass all day long, shower once or twice a week, and generally be a drain on society. The next thing you have to do is be a complete asshole. Walk around with that undeserved sense of accomplishment and act like women are nothing more than fuck toys to be covered in your man-juice and tossed to the side. I know all of this seems counter productive but for some reason all the hottest women love guys like this... no joke.

So how do you become a douche that all the womenz are gonna want? Well lets explore what about these pillars of douchebaggery attracts women and how you, the normal high functioning member of society, can imitate them to fuck hot women. Now remember following these hints and steps will result in you actually acting like a douchebag, even if in your heart you're not. So just remember it won't be just the women around you that notice your new found asshattery, but also your friends and family as well so proceed with caution.

The biggest thing that Douchebag Syndrome attracts women to is men who think they're God's gift to the world. The fact that they don't work and can't provide a single thing to these women around them is irrelevant. Their levels of confidence are through the roof and so you must also show this level of confidence. Remember to remind all the women around you that you are, in fact, better than them on every level and they would be lucky to have your cock in their mouth. In fact if at all possible you should try to convince the dumber ones around you that your cock is actually filled with vitamin W and they should make sure to get a bit of it because it will make them far more attractive and intelligent. The main thing with this part of being a douchebag isn't acting confident, it's acting like an arrogant ass. The thing you must remember is that that none of these cumstains on the collective underpants of society have any reason to be egotistical about anything. They're jobless, clueless, worthless, and generally dickless too. For if you ask a woman struck down with D.S. if their man is good in bed the general response is a roll of their eyes or a muttered disgust. So be as totally worthless as you can be all while walking around thinking your Brad Pitt. Women. Love. That.

Second on the plate of Douchebag Syndrome is to treat the women around you like complete shit. Remeber that women afflicted by D.S. have little to no self respect. If you try to make them realize they're beautiful or a great catch, you're right out. Remember to play the douchebag card to it's fullest here. Play up the little imperfections they're obssessing about, make sure they know that no man would actually want to deal with their bullshit, and who the fuck is gonna want to touch their used up crazy ass? Not you, that's for sure. Make them think they're lower than the dog shit your scrapped off your shoe on the way in and they're less than nothing to you. This will drive their libido into overdrive. It's unknown as yet why treatment like this makes women with D.S. hornier than an African rhino in heat on Viagra, but it does work. Stick to this treatment and before you know they'll be begging you to bless them with your penis.

The next thing you have to establish is that you're willing to go to the ends of the Earth to establish that you are, in fact, the biggest douchenozzle they will ever encounter. To do this you need to make sure they know they're your's. The best way to do this is to yell, scream, and berate them at every chance you get. Make sure they know that they have no right to talk to their friends, go anywhere without you, make new friends, or talk to anyone else that has a penis. To top it all off you have to fuck at least two of their current friends, and one perfect stranger that you pick up in a bar. Just because they're not allowed to go out doesn't mean you have to live by those same rules. You have to make sure they know about you cheating as well. This will crush their self esteem even more and ensure that they think something is wrong with them so they have to try harder to win your love and affection. The best thing you can do is get them to start fighting with their friend over you. Make them hate each other and fight over who gets to actually have you. Be sure to continue fucking them both to draw this out for as long as you can. Because the longer they fight over you, the more it alienates them from their friends around them who don't have D.S. and can't understand for the love of Christ why they would fight each other over having a worthless shitstain like you in their life. Now, once you've gotten them fighting and hating one another you can start the process all over again with another of your woman's friends or one of the other woman's friends to draw her further into your douchiness. This is an endless cycle of pussy for you and they're never willing to actually walk away because once stuck in the Thrall of Douchebag Syndrome, no woman afflicted with it can willingly walk away from you.

Now, if you're like me, you're generally feeling pretty sick to your stomach right now. That nausea is good! It means you're not a Douchebag. For some reason about roughly 70-75% of the female population of this world is afflicted with D.S. and there is no known cure. Fellas, if you have a woman friend afflicted with this horrible mental disorder there is little you can do other than sit back and watch her destroy herself over and over again because if you try to interfere they'll hate you for it. If you chase off one of these douchemonkeys your friend will never speak to you again. Guys, you can't fight the power of the douche. The only thing you can do is help your friend pick up the pieces... douche after douche, after inhuman douche... or simply walk away. I suggest the latter of these options as, honestly, it just gets sad to watch. If you believe you can take advantage of these terrible symptoms and land you one of your women friends afflicted by this horrible disease and not want to punch yourself in the ballsack, then by all means do and please email me your findings. We're the only ones looking into this sad state of affairs and we must do all we can to research and diagnose Douchebag Syndrome.

Remember always my friends, the power of the DoucheSide is strong indeed. It's faster, easier to get a woman with a hot ass and banging titties using the DoucheSide. But in the end it will dominate you and ultimately consume you. Turning you into that which you hate... a womanizing Douchebag. Beware the power of the DoucheSide if you attempt to harness it.

Next week we'll look at the male version of D.S. Something I myself have struggled with for years and I believe I have finally conquered. Yes guys, next week we look into Psycho-Bitch-Mojo.

When WOMENZ ATTACK!

This is a little piece for the men out there. But ladies, feel free to read up too, I know your secret and I'm telling everyone! Let's get started.

Zombies, strippers, Israeli super ninjas. These are all terrifying and deadly foes. So far I've taught you, my adoring public, how to survive these heinous and terrible enemies. But they pale in comparison to the foe I'll introduce you to today. They lurk in your homes, in your workplace, and chances are you've spoken to at least one today since you woke up. Who are they? How can these vicious killers fit in with society? Well my friends, it's because they... are WOMENZ!!

Yes! WOMENZ! That cute little lovely lady that you invited into your home to live with you, that hot chick in the cubicle next to you at work, your *gasp* mom! Beneath their soft and warm exteriors of beautiful hair, enchanting eyes, captivating smiles, and boobies... ooohhhh the boobies..., lies a cold, calculating murderous fiend that will end you if you cross them! So how the hell are we, as men, supposed to deal with these masters of illusion. Well, lucky for you, I wrote it all down here for you. Now this will probably lead to my untimely demise but it was all worth it I tell you! Now remember, your woman doesn't WANT to murder you in your sleep. But she damn sure will if you step over that line buddy! So we'll start today with a few typical instances that can cause WOMENZ to ATTACK!!

1: The Lie!
We as men lie. We lie all the time. It's like a language to us. Mostly we lie to keep our woman from flipping out and going on a rampage. Nothing hurtful, just little things like telling her you're going to hang out with your buddy and neglect to tell her you're hanging out with him at the local strip club. Your woman however won't understand this. As she doesn't lie about such trivial things. If she's going to lie to you its going to be something big. Like, 'It's your baby' or something like that, nothing so little as to cover up a little bonding time with her gal pals. Men you gotta be careful with the lie. Because if she finds out, no matter how silly it is, she will attack. It won't be as brutal as some other attacks which we'll visit later but it'll be an attack none the less. Most of often when WOMENZ ATTACK! over a lie its usually something simple, like cutting you off for a week or maybe not talking to you for a day or two, which honestly is one of the reasons we as men do lie about little stuff alot. In hopes that it'll shut our women up for a few days as 'punishment' to us. Ahhhh the beauty of silence.

2: The Porn!
Some women get upset over their man looking at porn on the internet or in magazines. Most the time we men can't understand this but it usually boils down to something about how they feel inferior to the airbrushed models we look at. Ladies, we know you're not perfect, we love that about you. The reason we look at porn is alot like why you watch cooking shows on the food network... its shit we're never going to do! So while you like to fantasize about bunt cake and cooking that 5 course meal, come on, we both know its never gonna happen. Its like porn for us, its fun to look at and think 'Hmm that would be awesome' but we know its never gonna happen! Fellas be careful over the porn, for when WOMENZ ATTACK! over porn it can be brutal. Assaults on your manhood, stamina, and general lack of ability to satisfy her let alone some bimbo whore on that website will be put out there for weeks to come.

3: Your chick friend!
Ohhhhh this one is a sticky one my friends. For those of you men out there that don't know this yet, women hate all other women. Secretly sometimes but usually its just right out there. Chicks hate other chicks. They were brought up to look at each other like they're smelling onions. They don't trust their friends around their man much less trust some chick that maybe your friend and not their's. Why is this? Well it's hard for us as men to understand completely as we're capable of bonding with our buddies in way's chicks can't with their ladies. We can meet our buddy's girl and hit it off really well. For us we'll think 'Man I gotta get a chick like that.' For women, its different. If they meet one of their girl's boyfriends and they hit it off, they generally think they have to have HIM and they'll do anything to get him! Including murdering their friend and burying her under the train tracks down by the local woods.... don't ask me how I know that I just do! So if women don't trust their own friends they're certainly not going to trust some chick she doesn't know. Fellas, just don't do it. Its not worth the punishment that comes with this one. Yeah sure talk to your chick pal and stuff but for the love of all that is naked and ninja-like, DON'T hang out with her. For when WOMENZ ATTACK! over this, they're gonna fuck one of their guy friends. Yes women are allowed their male friends because as we all know the typical double standard of relationships applies here. They can hang with their pals you better not hang with your chick friend! Don't ask why. It's been that way since the woman's lib movement.

4: The fat ass question!
This is the most dangerous and well hidden sneak attacks in a woman's arsenal. Gentlemen I can't even begin to start on how tricky this one is. Honestly there really is no right answer when your woman asks you 'Does this make my ass look fat?'. It's going to happen to you someday. And she will only ask you this question if she's sick and tired of your bullshit and is ready to either a) kick your ass to the curb, or b) murder you in your sleep and dispose of the carcass late at night with some lime and concrete. You might survive this situation but only if you listen very closely to what comes next. You absolutely can NOT answer this question right so don't try. If you tell her no it doesn't, when it really does make her ass look like that sofa you bought the other week, then you're doomed because you lied to her! If you say 'Oh baby its just the dress.' she's going to be pissed because YOU didn't go help her pick out her dress for the wedding you're going to. And guys, don't make the mistake many men make. Yes, this question irritates us, but don't reply 'No baby your ass makes your ass look fat.' You WILL be found floating face up in the fountain downtown if you say this. Cops won't even investigate because they know what happened already. These sort of deaths happen alot and they're generally written off under the obscure 'Lady's Ass Act of 1978' law. Fucking liberals.

5: For no damn reason at all.
Guys what you have to realize is that your girl is insane. She's a murderous, vindictive, plotting, calculating, being of pure evil. And damnit we love them! You must strive at all times to keep your lady happy. Treat her with respect, love, warmth and caring. Be compassionate about the things (all five billion of them) that upset her and worry her. Don't say things like 'Hey baby get me another beer' and slap her on the ass. That's what actually got the first caveman that wasn't eaten by a sabertooth tiger killed. When you make love to your woman, FUCK THAT GIRL GOOD! Make sure she has an orgasm that makes her head swim every damn time. Cook her dinner now and then, take her out to someplace special and not just Burger King, or best of all plan a surprise and be spontaneous. Chicks dig that. Men if you do all this then when WOMENZ ATTACK! it will be less often and generally less deadly to your ballsack and self esteem. Because make no mistake about it they will attack. Often times without provocation or really any reason behind it. Because your woman is mad at you. Why? Who the fuck knows! The mystery of woman will never be solved and let's face it, all that craziness is a small price to pay for having someone you love in your life.

So until next time fella, strap on your helmets, buckle in tight, and hold on for dear life. And remember when WOMENZ ATTACK! not to make the biggest mistake of all... using logic. It doesn't work on them guys. We as men have a need to make sense and be logical when we argue, women are bound by no such weakness. What this means is you can't win... ever. Eeeeeeeevvveeerrr. Women, while they forget everything else, WILL remember every word you have ever said that pissed them off and remember every THING you have ever done to piss them off and they will all be hurled at you in the span of 30 to 45 seconds. This includes but is not limited to; that time you looked at the pretty girl walking by, when you forgot to say good morning, when you forgot to ask how her day was, any of the things discussed above, the time you looked at the ugly girl walking by, when you said you didn't like her friend, when you said you did like her friend, when you called her mom 'the old battleaxe', that time you made a joke about filling her friend's dish with water, anything you have ever said about another woman, anytime you have forgotten anything...ever, and the time you got mad at her for when she fucked your buddy.

Guys I'm not saying its fair, I'm just saying if you want a woman in your life.. these are just a few of the things you gotta do. Why the fuck do we have to jump through all these hoops? Well that's easy fellas. When your woman is happy with you, she'll let you touch her.... 'nuff said.

How to use the Bill of Rights as toilet paper: One easy step!

Hello again everyone! This week we'll be examining a current bill before the wonderful and caring men and women of the Senate. We'll also speak of the men responsible for trying to save us all from the evils of terrorism and give them the credit due to such brilliant thinkers.

Here it is folks, while perhaps looking good on paper this is one of those bills that is much like my ex girlfriend. It looks pretty hot from a few steps back. Up close its nice, has a pretty hot ass, nice full lips and pretty eyes. But before you know it, she's running around fucking everyone while you're not looking. The wording of the bill as it was introduced to the floor:

"The Terrorist Expatriation Act would allow the State Department to revoke the citizenship of people who provide support to terrorist groups like Al Qaeda or who attack the United States or its allies."

And:

"The State Department will make an administrative determination that a U.S. Citizen has indicated an intent to renounce their citizenship by supporting an FTO."

Well hmm, what's so wrong with that? In practice? Nothing. IF it were to remain true to the wording of the bill. However we've all seen how good our government is at turning legislation on its ear for its own purposes. The wording of the bill is 'support for a terrorist organization'. Also it turns taking YOUR rights from you into an administrative act, rather than a judicial one. You would never stand in front of a judge, never get a chance to plead your case. The reason this is so bloody terrifying is that our elected officials have no idea how to actually apply their laws. Look at the Patriot Act. Great in theory, would be awesome in application if done right. But a few years back it was used by the FBI to break up a cock fighting ring in Tennessee.

Now I'm not sure what men battling one another with their junk has to do with terrorism and I'm pretty sure the FBI overstepped their bounds, used the Patriot act to get an end around the law and these guys' right to play tummy swords with one another. Not only that but they used the Patriot Act as a way to keep Gay men from their right to cock fight with one another and....what? Chickens? Seriously they used it to break up a chicken fighting ring? Well that's even worse! Not only does our government hate Gay people but now they hate Chickens too!

So let's make this clear. Using this law in conjunction with other 'terrorist' laws that have been misused since their passing into law the U.S Government can label you a 'terrorist' for any sort of activity they don't like. The can use the Patriot Act to tap your phone, follow you, take pictures of you, record your private conversations with people, and if they don't like what you're doing they can arrest you as a terrorist for any law you happen to break, no matter how small it is. And once you're in custody for loitering, drunk in public, disorderly conduct, or actually going to the local korean massage parlor and getting that happy ending, they can label you a terrorist and strip you of your citizenship, which in turn, strips you to your right of due process.

The REALLY scary thing is that the Patriot Act clears the FBI and government agencies to pretty much spy on anyone they deem a 'threat'. That includes millions of americans already on 'watch lists' that are completely innocent of any wrong doing simply because they attend a rally or a protest or speak out loud about their distrust of the government or their lack of satisfaction with their elected officials. Hell I bet I'm on one of those lists. I bet you're on one of those lists for simply reading this blog.

Who could want to introduce such a vague and all encompassing law?

LIEBERMAN!! *Shakes his fist at the sky*

That's right folks. Of all the people that could come up with this shitty, ill thought out law it would have to be our old friend Droopy. Along with his pal, Ron 'Look at my pecs' Brown, he actually thought this would be a good idea! I share with you now the email I sent to Senator Lieberman's website.

"Dear Senator Lieberman,

You are either Darth Vader in disguise or the dumbest man to ever grace the Senate floor. Do you not realize that every law congress has ever passed dealing with terrorists and taking away rights of American citizens has been abused by every law enforcement agency in the country? Do you not realize this law would be abused as well? The wonders that the FBI has worked with the Patriot act are overshadowed by their abuses. The Terrorist Expatriation Act will only allow them MORE sweeping powers to arrest and take away the citizenship of anyone they or their superiors deem a 'threat'. Without standing in front of a judge to make that call. You want to hand the power to revoke an American's rights to 'administrative' actions. Are you insane? Are you high? I would like to think you're just high. So please, put down the crack pipe or the mushrooms or whatever the fuck you took before you thought this law up and do your fucking job. Your job is to represent Americans, not think of ways for the Government to control even more of our lives. If you don't think the Patriot act has been abused, check out the Cock Fighting ring it was used to break up in Tennessee. See how the RICO act is no longer used against organized crime but against normal citizens, even churches! You claim to be a man of the people. I say prove it. Take this bill off the table. For if it passes, I promise you that within 5 years it will be used to strip the rights of normal citizens that the government may not like. Political enemies, protesters, Sarah Palin! Well okay lock up Sarah Palin please. Seriously. Christ what a whack job that chick is. Otherwise, keep the government's already too large hands off of my rights!

Sincerely,
NN"

Let's here it for Droopy! This is a very real, and very serious bill that has been introduced. So I implore all of you to email your senators and ask them to vote this bill down. Also ask them to whip Lieberman on the senate floor. Somewhere the founding fathers are jumping up and down screaming for someone to challenge these pussies to a duel.

So in closing I say to you FUCK this bill and FUCK Droopy and Super Pecs for coming up with it. You two should be ashamed of yourselves and I hope the zombie of George Washington eats your brains.

Sensible Coats for Sensible Fanatics: Getting to the Bottom of the NYC Mosque Controversy

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Brains, Graves, and Boomsticks: The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies. That's right I said it. Zombies. I know what you're thinking. 'Naked One, why would you talk about zombies?' Well I speak of Zombies today because with all the crazy things going on in the world right now I feel we've taken our attention off the one single enemy that can and will someday rise up and devour all of humanity... or at least our brains. So my fellow brain possessing human beings I come to you today with advice on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

First we need to understand the motivations the zombies have. What is it they want? Well that's simply they want to chew on your brain. Why? Because that's what zombies do. While we don't understand this urge to eat brains any attempt to sit down and interview a zombie has resulted in the reporter having his brain eaten. So it's pointless to try to reason with a zombie as while you're trying to find common ground he'll be scooping your brain out with a spoon.

The very first thing we need to do as rational and intelligent people is make sure that the ultra left liberals don't try to pass a law through congress recognizing zombies as having the rights of human beings. Now the argument may be made that zombies were once human and as such are accorded all the rights U.S. citizens have. I tell you this now, this would be a major mistake. Not only are zombies not people but while congress debates and makes watered down legislation regarding zombie rights, the zombies will be out eating people's brains. We can't very well put a zombie on trial for murder and cannibalism. Even if we managed to subdue a zombie, how is a police officer going to read it it's Miranda rights? Furthermore all a zombie will say on the stand is 'brrrraaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnssss' and most likely eat his defense attorney.

Secondly we also need to make sure the ultra right doesn't declare a holy war on all zombies. While we do need to kill the zombies before they kill us we have to remember that not everyone with a bad skin condition or patchy hair is a zombie. Also while declaring a crusade on zombies we'll have to remember that other religions will likely see the zombies as an abomination before their god and want to destroy them as well. This will most likely lead to arguments over who has the right to kill the zombies. Which will undoubtedly lead to religious zealots the world over killing one another for the right to kill the zombies in the name of their God. Remember people, we have to stand before the zombies as a united people. All religions can come together to battle the zombies as one... except for the Canadians and their angry Moose God. Somehow I'm sure this is all their fault.

Now that we've established the ground rules we need to find a leader to save us from the zombies. It can't be our current leadership as they have little experience in dealing with zombies and would most likely decide on trying to hug them into submission. This is no time for pussies people! We need a strong, confident, and experienced leader. Someone who can lead troops into battle and who has dealt with overwhelming terror and forces before. Yes I thought of the zombie of George Washington too. But he's a zombie so he's right out. So who can lead us? Only one person has the qualities to lead us to victory over the horde of brain fiends... Bruce, fucking, Campbell. He's killed more zombies than any other person on the planet and what's more his quick wit and dry humor will endear him to even the most jaded of soldiers!

So what's the battle plan? Well while Mr. Campbell will come up with the actual battle plan I've some advice on how to start preparing. First you need to stockpile on human brains. They'll come in handy for laying traps and snares for the zombies as they come for you. Now remember they don't have to be the brains of smart people, zombies aren't that picky, but they do have to be fairly fresh. So what you need to do is take the brains of the stupid people around you. I know, I know. Murdering people isn't exactly the most noble of things to do but remember, it's you or them and why let morons live to only be eaten by the zombies anyway? Smart people need to set traps for the stupid and use their brains to set even more traps for the zombies. I know it sounds cruel but the stupid will not die in vain, for their sacrifice will ensure that you, the intelligent public, live on to keep the human species going. Remember to allow television pundits and political analysts to keep babbling their mindless drivel on the airwaves, this will ensure that they too fall to the zombies' brainlust. Also we must make congress stay in session without military guard, this is our chance to do away with those morons. Bruce Campbell will be installed as Lord Zombie Slayer and given complete control over our military forces to do battle with the undead.

So start preparing today my faithful. I've already a cooler full of brains and loaded my boomstick. Bring on the zombies!