As we discussed in my last post, the idiots have ruined everything. Politics have been taken to a whole new, and frightening level. Calling for revolution and placing crosshairs on people are just two examples of how things have gotten out of hand. Everyone is 'Hitler'. It was Bush for eight years and now its Obama. While I was not a fan of Bush and I loathe Obama neither of them are close to being Hitler. Don't believe me? Ask any jew you come across on the street. I imagine that would be a rather short conversation ending with a nice jewish person flipping you the bird and possibly kicking you in the balls.
So how will I, your Presidential choice of 2012 deal with this growing atmosphere of fear, hate, violence, and terror. Yes, terror. As I stated in my last post this country's airwaves are full of the new breed of american terrorists..... political pundits. They spout hate, fear, and lies all in an attempt to whip up their dipshit followers into an idiot frenzy of biblical proportions. They call for revoloution, without even knowing what that even means. To them its all just rhetoric. Well my friends. I'll deal with it by being even MORE terrifying than those that would stop us. Fear? Pah! Terror? Pah! Violence? PAH!!
**Warning the following statements are made in a non-serious and completely comical manner. They are in no way a declaration of attack upon Glen Beck, Sarah Palin, President Obama, your mother, or your sister... you know the one with the hot ass. The author of this blog pleads with any potential idiot that might read this satire blog and get it in their head to go out and start a revolution with their buddies to just stop, shove your head in the toilet and flush repeatedly. The author of this blog does not condone violence done in his name on anyone.... except for the producers of the next Lil Wayne album.. they must be stopped!!**
***Warning the last statement about Lil Wayne's producers was a joke.***
So how will I stand up to the eventual calls of me being just like Hitler? You know its going to happen as it seems to be the basic first attack in any political debate. Funny how they go from 'He smoked pot' in the 90's to 'He's Hitler!' today. Well that's the easy part. Every person I hire to work on my campaign staff other than those running for office with me, such as my vice president, chief of staff, etc.... will be jewish. I'll start with my staff doctor. One Tyler Andrea. He's not through with school yet so technically he's not a full fledged doctor but I'm sure he'd be cool under a hail of bullets, probably quipping about how I should have let him carry a side arm, but he's a doctor damnit no guns for him! I also have full faith in Tyler's ability to fix any wound, no matter how dire with his extensive knowledge of duct tape and crazy glue. Add to that he always seems to have a cooler on hand with human organs in it, odd for day to day practice, but practical for being my doctor as you never know when I'll need that extra kidney or maybe that extra four inches in the pants I've been asking Santa for every year since I was fourteen. Fucker. Though I have to admit I'm not sure if Tyler is still jewish. I know he started going to temple when he was a teenager because there was a chick there he wanted to bang. Meh. Good enough for me!
After that I'll head to the Glen Beck show to verbally (and quite possibly physically) castrate him in front of his audience of morons. How will I do that? Well I'll ask Mr. Beck to come up with one piece of evidence that ISN'T circumstantial or made up to back up his claims that I am, in fact, the anti-christ. Since I beat their Hitler rap with hiring my jewish friends and marrying a jewish princess their next step will be that I'm the son of Satan. What? No jewish princess? Well fine. I will inform Beck that my father's name is Clint so obviously I can't be the anti-christ. Satan's real name is Lucifer Morningstar and seeing as how my last name isn't Morningstar (I legally changed it after turning eighteen) there's no possible way I'm the anti-christ. I will then proceed to challenge Mr. Beck to a good ol' fashioned dick measuring contest and thanks to Tyler and that extra four inches I'm sure he can hook me up with I devastate Beck by winning five inches to three.
To deal with the crazies that will surely be out for my blood, after all by this point I'll have been accused of being the love child of Hitler and the anti-christ. I will hire crack security. Crackhead security to be more precise. No I don't mean crack addled homeless people, though I had thought about it. I mean the Crazy Crackheads, a militia group that operates under the motto of 'Guns and Sodomy' and that are in fact led by my Vice Presidential running mate Christopher 'Your mom loves my cock' Bush. Getting anywhere near either of us with a firearm with the Crackheads on the look out would be not only impossible but very funny to watch. After all the 'sodomy' part of their creed isn't usually voluntary. As a generous candidate I would sell all 'incidents' on pay-per-view and donate all the money to paying down the national debt.
At some point in all this Sarah Palin would pull her head out of her own ass long enough to spout off about me not caring about the American people and that I was only out to create my own tyrannical rule of corruption and evil. To prove her wrong I will open a new charity. 'Naked Ninja's Home for Hot Un-Wed Mothers'. I'll make sure to open one shelter in every major metropolitan area across the country that I plan on passing through on my campaign to the White House. After that I will personally travel to Alaska, invite Palin out on a camping trip where Christopher and I will 'spitroast' her. No I'm not talking about cooking her over an open fire. Two men, one woman... spitroast... think about it. What? She might be annoying but a fine looking older woman like that has to know some tricks! Don't look at me like that.
For the Praxis file, while you wait...
5 years ago