Nekid Peoples

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Campaign 2012 Update: Dealing with the idiots.

As we discussed in my last post, the idiots have ruined everything. Politics have been taken to a whole new, and frightening level. Calling for revolution and placing crosshairs on people are just two examples of how things have gotten out of hand. Everyone is 'Hitler'. It was Bush for eight years and now its Obama. While I was not a fan of Bush and I loathe Obama neither of them are close to being Hitler. Don't believe me? Ask any jew you come across on the street. I imagine that would be a rather short conversation ending with a nice jewish person flipping you the bird and possibly kicking you in the balls.

So how will I, your Presidential choice of 2012 deal with this growing atmosphere of fear, hate, violence, and terror. Yes, terror. As I stated in my last post this country's airwaves are full of the new breed of american terrorists..... political pundits. They spout hate, fear, and lies all in an attempt to whip up their dipshit followers into an idiot frenzy of biblical proportions. They call for revoloution, without even knowing what that even means. To them its all just rhetoric. Well my friends. I'll deal with it by being even MORE terrifying than those that would stop us. Fear? Pah! Terror? Pah! Violence? PAH!!

**Warning the following statements are made in a non-serious and completely comical manner. They are in no way a declaration of attack upon Glen Beck, Sarah Palin, President Obama, your mother, or your sister... you know the one with the hot ass. The author of this blog pleads with any potential idiot that might read this satire blog and get it in their head to go out and start a revolution with their buddies to just stop, shove your head in the toilet and flush repeatedly. The author of this blog does not condone violence done in his name on anyone.... except for the producers of the next Lil Wayne album.. they must be stopped!!**

***Warning the last statement about Lil Wayne's producers was a joke.***

So how will I stand up to the eventual calls of me being just like Hitler? You know its going to happen as it seems to be the basic first attack in any political debate. Funny how they go from 'He smoked pot' in the 90's to 'He's Hitler!' today. Well that's the easy part. Every person I hire to work on my campaign staff other than those running for office with me, such as my vice president, chief of staff, etc.... will be jewish. I'll start with my staff doctor. One Tyler Andrea. He's not through with school yet so technically he's not a full fledged doctor but I'm sure he'd be cool under a hail of bullets, probably quipping about how I should have let him carry a side arm, but he's a doctor damnit no guns for him! I also have full faith in Tyler's ability to fix any wound, no matter how dire with his extensive knowledge of duct tape and crazy glue. Add to that he always seems to have a cooler on hand with human organs in it, odd for day to day practice, but practical for being my doctor as you never know when I'll need that extra kidney or maybe that extra four inches in the pants I've been asking Santa for every year since I was fourteen. Fucker. Though I have to admit I'm not sure if Tyler is still jewish. I know he started going to temple when he was a teenager because there was a chick there he wanted to bang. Meh. Good enough for me!

After that I'll head to the Glen Beck show to verbally (and quite possibly physically) castrate him in front of his audience of morons. How will I do that? Well I'll ask Mr. Beck to come up with one piece of evidence that ISN'T circumstantial or made up to back up his claims that I am, in fact, the anti-christ. Since I beat their Hitler rap with hiring my jewish friends and marrying a jewish princess their next step will be that I'm the son of Satan. What? No jewish princess? Well fine. I will inform Beck that my father's name is Clint so obviously I can't be the anti-christ. Satan's real name is Lucifer Morningstar and seeing as how my last name isn't Morningstar (I legally changed it after turning eighteen) there's no possible way I'm the anti-christ. I will then proceed to challenge Mr. Beck to a good ol' fashioned dick measuring contest and thanks to Tyler and that extra four inches I'm sure he can hook me up with I devastate Beck by winning five inches to three.

To deal with the crazies that will surely be out for my blood, after all by this point I'll have been accused of being the love child of Hitler and the anti-christ. I will hire crack security. Crackhead security to be more precise. No I don't mean crack addled homeless people, though I had thought about it. I mean the Crazy Crackheads, a militia group that operates under the motto of 'Guns and Sodomy' and that are in fact led by my Vice Presidential running mate Christopher 'Your mom loves my cock' Bush. Getting anywhere near either of us with a firearm with the Crackheads on the look out would be not only impossible but very funny to watch. After all the 'sodomy' part of their creed isn't usually voluntary. As a generous candidate I would sell all 'incidents' on pay-per-view and donate all the money to paying down the national debt.

At some point in all this Sarah Palin would pull her head out of her own ass long enough to spout off about me not caring about the American people and that I was only out to create my own tyrannical rule of corruption and evil. To prove her wrong I will open a new charity. 'Naked Ninja's Home for Hot Un-Wed Mothers'. I'll make sure to open one shelter in every major metropolitan area across the country that I plan on passing through on my campaign to the White House. After that I will personally travel to Alaska, invite Palin out on a camping trip where Christopher and I will 'spitroast' her. No I'm not talking about cooking her over an open fire. Two men, one woman... spitroast... think about it. What? She might be annoying but a fine looking older woman like that has to know some tricks! Don't look at me like that.

Onward!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Insurrectionism, The Gun Debate, Politics and How Idiots Fuck It All Up

While I'm often the first person I know to scream 'Fuck the Government' at the top of my lungs from the highest rooftop I can find. The events this weekend in Arizona to be disheartening. And while they disgust me I don't find them too surprising. Now before you get upset hear me out. I find it horrible that some asshole decided to go out and gun down innocent people. It angers me. As a Marine, as a citizen, as a father, and as a human being. It makes me sick to the very core of my being. But it doesn't surprise me. Now let me tell you why.

People, on a general basis not you my faithful reader, are complete morons. They're sheep. They have no original thought of their own. In short. They're idiots. Idiots empower people that speak to their limited thoughts. It's long been a theory that the election of America's first black President coupled with a strong liberal congress would produce the perfect atmosphere for the extreme right wing to start a radicalization of America. That's a powerful word. Radicalize. We call terrorists radical Muslims because they're an offshoot that doesn't represent the true religion. They're whackjobs that use it to support their own agendas of murder and terror. I say to you now these extreme right wing players are no better. They are American Terrorists.

Who, you ask, could possibly be put into that same category? Let's start with the obvious. Sarah 'Moose Fucker' Palin. Remember when she put out that 'cute' little map of districts across America that she thought should be 'targets' to take out the incumbent? Well one of those districts just happened to be Rep. Giffords's district. And how did she mark those? With a crosshair as if looking through a gun scope. Rep. Giffords even spoke about how things like that could be taken wrong by people with 'issues'. It's terrible that she turned out to be right. Sarah Palin should be held accountable for this. She won't be. But she should. You simply can't put something out there like that and not expect some idiot to take it literally. Symbolism is lost on this country and it's people. Idiots take things literally because they're too fucking stupid to tell when someone is being ironic, joking, or symbolic. Sarah Palin, shame on you. I place these deaths at least partially on your shoulders you pathetic excuse for a human being. Go fuck yourself and please stay the fuck off my television and radio. Before you condemn people for 'letting the terrorists win' look in the damned mirror, you ARE a terrorist.

Next up let's look at Glen Beck, a man who wouldn't know the truth if it came up and sodomized him. This guy is a bigger liar than Palin and far worse in my book. At least Palin just simply doesn't know any better because I seriously think she may be mentally retarded even though I think that's an insult to the good people with mental disabilities out there. Beck doesn't care what he's saying as long as it's slung out there to his faithful listeners that, to the person, are fucking idiots. Beck lies. Constantly. He knows he lies. He doesn't care. He's whipped up more idiots in this country than anyone else. Beck is little more than a racist fuck stain with a radio and television deal. Glen Beck is a terrorist in the purest sense of the word.

Now I know you're thinking, well don't terrorists bomb things and kill people? True. But not all of them do. Look at Bin Laden, the most wanted terrorist on the face of the planet and I can guarantee you he's never taken a life. Why? Because killing people is dangerous. They tend to fight back because normal people don't want to die. So Bin Laden whips all his followers, who themselves have little education and are complete idiots, into a killing frenzy and then THEY go out and do the dirty work. Not him. See the similarities here? Fuck Beck. Fuck Palin. Fuck Fox 'News'. Extremism has no place in this country and doing the bullshit these people do is nothing short of criminal.

That brings us to the gun debate. Do I hate guns? Yes. Yes I do. But how can I say that as a Marine? Because I've seen what idiots with guns can do to innocent people. Guns in the hands of idiots is a bad thing. The gun laws in this country are a joke. Anyone anywhere can get a gun anytime they want. And as we've all seen too many times the idiots are more than willing to use them for senseless violence. Do I believe guns should be outlawed. In a perfect world, yes. This however is far from a perfect world. Criminals will always be armed. The idiots of the world will always find a way to get their hands on guns. So it makes sense to me that those of us that are not criminals or idiots should be able to arm ourselves for the eventual encounter of some asshole with a gun. The saddest part about this is that idiots will always rise up to use their guns as a first response to anything they see as a threat. What do they see as a threat? Why.. whatever they're told is a threat. And let's make sure to mark those threats with a crosshair on a website because no idiot would actually really think you mean shoot this person with a gun... like with crosshairs and everything.

I consider myself a bit of a survivalist. I learned skills in the Marines to keep me and those around me alive. Of course I'd be a bit rusty but you can bet my fat ass would remember real quick if I needed to. Yes I teach others combat skills from time to time. Yes I train others in military tactics from time to time. Does that make me a 'militia nut'? No. I have no intention of rising up against the government. I don't believe that's what the Second Amendment stands for, no matter what those ass hats in the NRA tell you. If the government is not doing what I like. Then I voice my opinion and... I ... VOTE!! People that don't vote have no right to bitch about things in this country. The problem is the loudest voices out there are from the people that don't vote. But they sure can bitch. If you didn't vote and you want to bitch about the government, do us all favor, go shove someone's 'love sock' in your mouth and let the adults have grown up time? Okay? Thanks.

Politics by their nature lately are very nasty. They don't need to be like that. We don't need the Palins and Becks of this world out there spreading their bullshit and whipping up the idiots in this country. And don't get me wrong, the left has it's extremists too. They're just on the opposite side of the scale. Wanting everyone to hug it out and singing peace songs at anti-war rallies and protesting the burials of those that died in service to this country. They're beneath my contempt and even mentioning them makes me feel like I need to go take a giant runny shit. The ideals of both parties out there have some things right and some things wrong. So stop listening to just one side. Both have constructive ideas to add to the national scene. They both also have an abundance of stupid shit they want to put out there. It's up to the American people to make sure that they get it right. Too much of either side is bad. The saying 'happy middle ground' isn't just for giggles. The middle is where most people fall. The problem is all the idiots bunch to the extreme right or left and their voices are the loudest because the rest of us... well as Jon Stewart said once, We got shit to do.

In closing let me just say if you know an idiot (and we all do) make sure to shut them up when they start spouting off about rising up against the government or how we should disband the military and 'live in peace maaaaaaaaaannn'. Tell them to stop masturbating furiously to that new gun magazine they got or for the love of Christ put the pot pipe down for just one second of the day and try to think straight. Remember my friends, everything in moderation. That's a good way to live your life. Too much of anything is usually a bad thing. And let's remember to show those that spout off about tyranny and evil that they're everything they accuse others of being. Not with violence and rebellion but with well thought out points and ideas. You can't fight the stupid, but we might be able to educate them a bit. And if we can't well most of them are too stupid to know where a voting station is.. or even WHAT a voting station is.

Be safe and Gods bless.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Night Before Christmas: A Naked Ninja Tale

'Twas the night before Christmas, school was out for winter vacation
Not a creature was stirring, except my kid on that god damn playstation;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
As a trophy from that stripper with long brown hair;
Sarah Palin was all indignant, pissy and mean,
While she verbally shat her reality on my TV screen;
Some woman in her 'kerchief settled in my lap,
Causing me to shout, 'What the fuck is a kerchief? Dance bitch! Don't nap!'
When out on the lawn there arose such a fuckin' ruckus,
I nearly shit myself as I leapt from the couch to gather up Rufus.
Away to the window I flew like I was running from my bookie,
Tore open the shutters and yelled 'The fuck is all that noise? I was about to get some nookie!'
The street light on the breast of the hooker beneath it
Gave me pause as I stared at her dress that barely fit,
When, to my wandering eyes what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny zombie reindeer,
With a little old driver, tight pants stretched thin over sagging balls,
Well fuck me running this has got to be Santa Claus!
More rapid than the one time with that really hot red head they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and cracked them on the ass while calling them by name;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
Move it motherfuckers or I'll make jerky of y'all!"
So up to the house-top the little bastards flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and Santa's fat ass too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little undead hoof.
As I drew up Rufus, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Santa came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to toe,
He looked like that broke ass pimp from down the block named Moe;
A big ass bag he had flung on his back,
And he looked like he could use a bra for that sagging rack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His smile wide and profaine!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose red... this dude was on cocaine!
His droll little mouth was drawn up with that goofy ass grin,
And the smell of Jack Daniels clung to the beard on his chin;
The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke smelled of the sticky icky, forming a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, and lots of wrinkles,
I though he looked like my Uncle Bob,except his pants not being around his ankles;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me the feeling of absolute dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his fun,
And filled all the stockings; as I hoisted Rufus... my shotgun,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He snorted up all the blow on my table then struck a ninja pose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whipping,
They leapt into the air, hungry for the flesh of the living.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Psycho-Bitch Mojo: Living with the Silent Self-Esteem Killer

I often hear 'There are no good men left.' from the women I work with. Now while we know why most of this is, I work with strippers, and as we explored earlier 70-80% of women as a whole are affected by Douchebag Syndrome. Strippers are a special case in this study, as a whole 96% of them are affected by D.S. But I digress. I often hear the women I work with lamenting about how all the good men are 'taken' or 'gone'. And for the most part they're right. I myself was once a douchebag. I left a trail of women broken and weeping in my wake. Why? Because I was a douchebag. But I always had a girl. Some time ago I got tired of my douche ways and turned from the darkside. Redemption has been a slow and painful ordeal but I can say now that I qualify as a 'good man'. What's that mean? Well for the most part it means I'm alone 99% of the time without female companionship thanks to Douchebag Syndrome. However it also means that I've been able to look back over my past and realize I suffer from Psycho-Bitch Mojo. Today we'll discuss P.B.M. and how it affects nearly the entire population of 'good men' in the world.

First we must make it clear that douchebags are never affected by Psycho-Bitch Mojo. They can be carriers of the disease but even though they may have it, while they practice douchebaggery they show no ill effects from P.B.M. This is often thought of as to why men devolved into douchebags sometime in the mid 50's. As the ratio of 'sane' women (in quotes there as we know this to be a relative term) to 'psycho bitches' began to tilt in favor of the psychos more men devolved into douchebaggery to protect themselves. These pair of diseases have good people of both genders in a relative state of shell shock. Terrified to put themselves out there due to their encounters with douchebags and psychos. What's worse is that Douchebag Syndrome, while terrible in it's own right actually creates more pscyhos! The same holds true for Psycho-Bitch Mojo creating more douchebags!

So what is Psycho-Bitch Mojo? Well P.B.M. was first diagnosed in your's truely, yes me, by Doctor Christopher Bush M.D. (The M.D. in this case stands for Mad Dude) in 2001. While the science is still very new there's been plenty of medical studies done all over the world about P.B.M. Dr. Bush put the basic diagnoses simply 'Men suffering from Psycho-Bitch Mojo attract the most mentally unstable women around them and their friends finds this very, very funny.' This is the basis of P.B.M. and can vary in both intensity and frequency depending on the man it affects and his personal tolerance for insanity.

Now as we've discussed before women aren't exactly what most men consider 'logical', or 'sane'. So what constitutes a woman being a 'Psycho-Bitch'? Below we'll discuss what details are included in this and how to spot said psycho-bitches and also how to be able to diagnose yourself or a friend with this terrible disease. We will also delve into the rarely seen 'Psycho Hose Beast' a being of pure and unrepentant evil.

1: No sense of personal responsibility.
The first trait the Psycho-Bitch often displays is a complete lack of personal responsibility. Nothing is ever their fault. Everything they do that can be seen as hurtful or wrong is always someone else's doing. They were pushed to fuck your best friend, you made them lie to you about how their weekend trip to their mom's was really a three day sex-fest with your brother, you were smiling on the phone with your female friend so it's your fault she had to arrange for your friend's brake lines to be cut. The list can go on forever but basicly the Psycho-Bitch will deny any personal wrong doing and never accept that she may have been personally in the wrong. This includes up to multiple murders. For example the testimony of one Becky Williams in the trial of her boyfriend's murder in 2006... 'Well you're honor it was a heavy flow day and he was being an asshole so.... I stabbed him. Seven.. eight.. ten times....'

2: Control Freak.
While most women like to have some sense of control over their man the Psycho-Bitch takes this to an extreme. While most stop just short of slapping a collar and a leash on their men anything else is usually acceptable. The psycho-bitch will cut you off from your friends, beer, hanging out, watching sports, leaving the house for anything but work, the internet, video games, and any sort of social activity that would not require their presence. They'll begin to pick out your clothing, which will always be the exact opposite of what you normally wear. Any attempt to resist this control will result in the psycho-bitch going 'mental' on you. This is a state of pure rage and attack. Everything from your sense of style to your penis will be insulted in a barrage of verbal abuse the likes of which you have never seen. This will continue until you back down and submit.

3: The double standard.
This is a must for all psycho-bitches. The double standard exists in most relationships, even normal ones, but the psycho-bitch takes it to a whole other level. This includes many things but usually includes having female friends, going out, socializing, spending money, and cheating. She'll have her male friends, even if they make you uncomfortable and she'll go hang out with them whenever she wants. She'll spend her money and YOUR money however she wants. And it's only cheating if its you messing around on her. When the psycho-bitch has sex outside of the relationship it's not 'cheating' it's always something like 'seeing if she was still attractive to other men' or 'You're not my father don't tell me what to do!' The double standard will include things like you sitting at home for days and days alone, sick with worry and loneliness while the psycho-bitch runs around with her friends or spends the night at her boss's house in order to 'relax' and 'think'. By the way both 'relax' and 'think' mean 'fuck my boss'.

4: Jealousy
Jealousy is a fairly normal thing for human beings to feel. After all we're selfish by nature and sometimes you just want something to be your's and no one else's. The psycho-bitch however, as a by-product of her constant cheating will assume you're doing the same. So she'll be constantly assaulting you with 'What the fuck are you looking at? Oh you like that shit? Is that what you want? Are you looking at that bitch? You wanna fuck her don't you?' or my personal favorite 'No bitch wants you're tiny cock.' Remember this will be paired with the double standard to create some really nasty situations. As a result of her paranoid jealousy anytime you look in the general direction of anything that has tits, be prepared for a fight. This includes being told you have lustful desires for your 98 year old great grandmother.

These four traits, taken to the extreme often form the basis of what a psycho-bitch acts like. But even psycho-bitches pale in comparison to the fabled 'Psycho Hose Beast'. The term was first dubbed in 1999 by Shell Pitre. Miss Pitre is a renowned observer of psycho-bitches and helped form the basis of their behavioral patterns with Dr. Bush in their now famous thesis 'Tits of Terror: Cthulhu ain't got nothing on these Bitches'. The psycho hose beast will display all the traits named above but to an even further degree than psycho-bitches. She'll actively deflect any wrong doing she does onto you even going so far as to plant fake evidence that she can 'bust' you on later. Your cell phone will ring the second your are ten feet from the house, she'll install cameras around the house so she can record your every move, insist on listening in on every phone call you have, and physically assault any woman that dares look your way. This will include breaking Aunt May's hip for giving you a hug at Christmas. Psycho Hose Beasts are also far more promiscuous than your normal psycho-bitch. Seeing as how most psycho-bitches cheat on a fairly regular basis this is saying something. The Psycho Hose Beast must cheat. It's thought that without having access to multiple cocks the Psycho Hose Beast would actually fall into a coma of sorts. If not able to fuck an average of three new dicks a month on a yearly basis, that's 36 penises in a year, the Psycho Hose Beast will most likely perish. It will also be your fault. Yes, your fault that they must seek out this new dick. Reason has nothing to do with it but you will be blamed for forcing them to go out and screw. Calling them things like a 'slut' or 'whore' will render you an 'insensitive prick' and cause her to run out and find more dick.

What must be stressed here is that this is where many of the 'good men' are being stuck. It's unknown if Psycho-Bitch Mojo is a genetic condition or an aquired disorder. Ladies if you see one of your male friends being sucked into the webs of a psycho-bitch there is, sadly, very little you can do to help them. While this is frustrating and confusing the reasoning behind it is simplicity itself. Psycho-Bitches are great in bed. Psycho Hose Beasts even more so. Men, while we may try to convince you it's not all about the sex, love to be fucked... and fucked well. Psycho-Bitches love to do all the nasty, dirty, kinky, and sometimes illegal things we men see in porn. So trying to combat crazy pussy tricks with logic and reason... well you can see how that will play out. To effectively get them to see reason you must also offer up the hot, crazy, jungle gym sex along with logic and reason.

So here we are, most the good women suffering from Douchebag Syndrome and most the good men suffering from Psycho-Bitch-Mojo. So how do we correct this? Well first off people need to stop listening to all these self-help nutjobs on the radio. We all know if we're in a good relationship or not. Ladies, give a guy that might not be your normal type a chance. Maybe he's a little nerdy or maybe he's not some pretty boy super model type. Men, try to give that nice girl you get along with so well a chance to be more than your friend. Don't be so hung up on perfect bodies and looks. Its up to the well adjusted and normal people of the world to find one another to make things work. Remember that you're swimming in a big ocean... and that its full of sewage that you need to avoid to survive long enough to find a fish you can really dig.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Body Scanners and Cavity Searches: My holiday TSA Encounter

Well folks as we all know TSA, the federal agency responsible for airport security around the nation has started to replace their metal detectors with body scanners. Normally these were just meant to be used for those that set off the metal detectors. A 'second line' if you will. However as our government is often known to do the TSA has simply just started making them mandatory for everyone. Now what's a body scanner? Well its a machine that you step into and it creates a digital image of you.. nekid. So it's the holidays and I have to make my yearly trip to the Arctic for baby seal clubbing. Shut up I'm doing my part to free the Canadians. What are you doing? Thought so. Anyway, this is how my yearly trip through airport security went.

I arrived at the airport a good hour and a half before my flight was to take off. After all we know that getting through security takes long enough as it is, they're so careful with the anal cavity search... Upon arriving at the gate I began to take my shoes off as per usual when I was informed by a TSA agent I no longer needed to. Thinking I had just won some sort of strange holiday security pass I thanked my lucky stars that I wouldn't have to go through my annual explanation of why I had a three foot spiked club packed in my bags, after all as we all know baby seal skulls are quite thick. That's when the my personal odyssey began....

TSA Agent: Sir you'll just have to step into the body scanner booth there.

Me: What? What's a body scanner?

TSA: Well sir, it's the replacement for the metal detectors as they don't pick up a lot of things that can be used to make bombs or do harm.

Me: Oh so it just looks for weird things?

TSA: Well it creates a digital image of your body for inspection in a private screening area.

Me: ... So... you're taking naked pictures of me? Why? And why is someone looking at them in private?

TSA: Well sir, that's so no one else can see them...

Me: Are you sure it's not some weird nerdy guy in there pleasuring himself to the hot chicks?

TSA: I assure you....

Me: Good because I mean.. if they're expecting another hot chick they can touch themselves to you better warn them that it's actually me, a fat white man from the midwest who never met a beer he didn't like.

TSA: I'm sure they'll be fine sir.

Me: Well still, warn them that a mild sense of nausea when seeing me naked is fairly normal.

TSA: It's not really about....

ME: And no tiny dick jokes either! I swear if I hear any fat guy with a little dick came through the body scanner jokes in a week I'm going to sue you fuckers for slander!

TSA: Sir, slander is untrue statements....

ME: Touche my good man, touche.

TSA: Please step in, sir.

ME: *After stepping inside* Hey this is pretty neat. So how's this work? Hey this sticker here says caution low level x-rays!

TSA: Sir you have to step back in there.

ME: Are you trying to fry my sperm? Make them retarded? Well okay fry them? You didn't even give me one of those nut shields the dentist gives you!

TSA: Well if we did the x-rays wouldn't get a full view of your body. And they're very low level sir they don't even penetrate skin.

ME: .... Well. Okay.

TSA: *After a few seconds and some laughter from the people in line behind me, he peeks back into the booth* Sir! You have to stand still... why are you dancing like that? And... pull you're fucking pants back up sir!

ME: What? Look dude if someone is going to see me naked I'm going to try to spice it up a bit for them. I mean come on how boring is it to just stare at dick and titties all day? No dancing or entertainment in that!

After this I was whisked away, pants still around my ankles, to the side area where apparently they search you by hand. The process was explained to me by a rather burly looking fellow with what I believe was a Village People tattoo on his left forearm.

ME: Can I get a chick to do this?

TSA: Policy is same sex, sir. That way it can't be taken as sexual.

ME: So what do you do if the person is gay?

TSA: *Pause* Policy is same sex, sir. That...

ME: Well it's not big deal to me. You big sexy man. *playful winking follows*

TSA: .......

ME: Now do you perform anal searches too?

The agent left the area and went over to talk to what I can only assume was his supervisor. The pair returned after a short but animated conversation. I made sure to adjust my junk every time the poor bastards looked over at me, smiling coyly.

Supervisor: Sir we really need you to cooperate here...

ME: I just asked what you do if gay people come through here. I mean come on.

Supervisor: Policy is policy sir.

ME: Well alright then. Proceed Mr. Man.

After a fairly normal frisking the poor agent started moving his hands lower, poking my stomach and eliciting a doughboy like giggle which caught him by surprise. Once his hand went below the belt I had two options to permanently scar this man. I could wiggle my eyebrows at him playfully and let out a little coo while pushing my junk at his hand more. Or, option B, which I chose. Widening my eyes in surprise as I gasped in horror before shouting repeatedly at the top of my lungs, 'I NEED AN ADULT!!!'

To say the TSA was unamused would be an understatement. They threatened not to let me on the plane if I didn't behave myself. Well, I couldn't let the Canadians down like that. Clubbing baby seals was just my small way of trying to free them from their Eskimo Overlords. So after getting the TSA agent to agree to at least get me a lollipop after the pat down I agreed. I decided not to let them have the last laugh however. Upon landing in Canada I pulled out my trusty cell phone and dialed the local police station back home.

Detective: How can I help you sir?

Me: Yeah I'd like to report being sexually assaulted.

Detective: Okay. Can you tell me what happened?

Me: *Using my best choked up and crying voice, note I had to sit on my balls to bring out the desired effect.. I wouldn't recommend it.* Well I was going to get on a flight today. And they wanted to take naked pictures of me to pass around the office and then they had to play with my balls for a while! They said if I didn't I couldn't get on the plane. They made me turn my head and cough.... they made me cough.. *sniff*

Detective: Who did sir?

Me: The guys from the TSA!

Detective: Sir, that's normal security protocols now.

Me: You're in it with them!

Detective: *click*

Me: ATTICA!!!!!!!

After not being able to even turn to the police for protection there was only one option left. One man that would see these new invasive protocols for what they were and reach out to America and inform them of his plot.... Jon Stewart.

Secretary: Daily show offices, how may I help you.

Me: I need to speak to Jon please.

Secretary: One moment. *A few clicks and some elevator music for a few minutes.*

John: This is John.

Me: Stewart! I need your help! I know we don't see eye to eye on some things but I just got molested in an airport by....

John: You again! Look I told you I'm not Jon Stewart. He doesn't take random calls.

Me: *pause* Yyyyyoooooouuuuu!

John: Please stop calling.

Me: *pause* I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!

*click*

I was done. I couldn't warn America. I had failed my future subje...errr.. people who voted for me. Stewart didn't care about the new policies. After all it was Obama's security chief in TSA that came up with it and according to Stewart, Obama could do no wrong. No, he wouldn't stand up against the molestation of America. There was only one thing left to do for the day.

*Ring* Bill Maher speaking.

Me: FUCK YOU BILL! *click*

There was nothing left I could do. Sitting around the house watching TV later that day I watched an interesting interview on the Super Douche and Friends hour... err I mean the Glenn Beck show. According to Mr. Beck if you don't let the man at the airport feel your sack... the terrorists win. This confused me. I've fought terrorists. It was part of my job in the Marines. I remember a lot of explosions and gun fire. A knife or two.. even an incident involving a stick and someone's eye. But I've never had a terrorist try to run up and cup my ballsack tenderly. Granted I had no idea what they were shouting at the top of their lungs during gun fights. I suppose it could have been 'I want to touch your balls!' in arabic. It's fair to say I wouldn't know the difference between that and 'Die American pig-dog!'

And then I saw it. On the news there was the director of the TSA warning America not to boycott the added security measures for the holiday season. He was warning us! There he was, standing at a podium all poised like he wasn't some nut hungry monster! 'You will let us fondle your gonads lovingly! Or else America!!!', He told us.. or at least something like that. We have been taken prisoner. In order to see our families this holiday season we must subject ourselves to having some stranger cop a feel. For men this is just terrible. It's pretty cool to stand there and watch cute TSA agents cup a woman's boobs though. Yay lesbians!

So in closing my friends, if you too are doing any traveling this holiday season. Make sure to wear an athletic supporter. For there is nothing we can do against this invasion upon our privacy and civil rights. Once again our government encroaches on our freedoms. They say you have to sacrifice freedom for safety... well no one ever asked me if I thought this was a good trade. As always America! Be on the look out. You never know when some nut hugging terrorist is going to creep into our airports!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Back to the Future: A glimpse at the 2012 Presidential Debates!

That's right everyone, thanks to Tracy 'Mad Scientist/Pimp for Hire' Maasz and his mad tech skillz we have managed to view the future through a tiny hole in the local athletic club's women's locker room. I'm not sure how it works to be honest and after a quick smack to the back of my head after asking I was assured by Mr. Maasz that I don't really need to understand it after all. So I'll just shut up like 'a good little bitch' and get on with what we saw when we actually looked through what Tracy called his favorite 'glory hole'.

First when we looked in on things we sought out the Vice Presidential debate. It's interesting to note that apparently the race in 2012 comes down to Myself and Vice-President candidate Christopher Bush against Obama and Biden for the democrats and Sarah Palin and a highly trained moose for the republicans. There were a myriad of campaign signs everywhere. Ranging from the 'Palin is a moose lover' to 'Obama is a muslim/nazi/foreigner' for the democrats and republicans and of course the catchy phrase we used for our campaign 'Fuck those two'. The country is fiercely divided at the time in a pretty even race. Palin's supporters mostly consisting of the old, the rich, fox news, and people who don't really know how the economy works (much like Palin herself) and moose fans. Obama's supporters were the normal flower power hippies of the 60's now turned into corporate raiders and college professors of the current era, socialists, celebrities, and the mildly mentally retarded. From what we could tell through the haze of smoke, fire, and random gunfire our supporters were a motley group of neo-survivalists, apocalypse junkies, star wars nerds, and every pot head in the country. Unfortunately the pot heads couldn't be counted on to come out and vote so we had an outreach program through George Lucas (whom we kidnapped) that spoke out to the repressed nerds the country over. Promising that it was all real, just as they had always suspected, and that Boba Fett would be our Secretary of Defense and Bounty Hunting. The strategy worked and evened the race up so that the debates would be a three person affair.

The vice presidential debate we couldn't get much of a look at. When we tried to look in, the building was halfway destroyed, still smoking from some sort of fire. All we could see is Chris and Palin's Moose running mate slowly roasting Biden over an open firepit while giving grilling tips to the audience members that hadn't run off or been shot, burned, stabbed, or sodomized at random. All we could gather from the calm manner in which Chris and Moose spoke was that the Moose had left Palin's campaign quoting 'That bitch is nuts' and 'Hey that Biden is pretty tasty.' After the vice-presidential debate Obama and Palin both needed new running mates. Obama named Hilary Clinton and Palin named the entirety of Fox news. Fox began a devastating smear campaign against Obama and Chris and I. Stating Obama was really a racist that wanted to enslave all white people and impregnate all the white women with his 'devil negro seed' as they put it. Rednecks and the mentally retarded everywhere flew up in arms, instantly jumping to Palin's side. Fox ran a four part series on the debauchery of our campaign. Citing many, many examples of random destruction, mocking of the stupid, whoring, boozing, drugs, rediculous campaign promises, and an incident of public 'bull puckey' which wasn't nearly as innocent as it sounds. Obama and his people denied all accusations from Fox and took measures to fire back. We on the other hand simply giggled, nodding our heads and giving that cute little 'awww shucks' shrug and smile. Chris however did officially appologize to the bull community.

It was time for the big night. The 2012 Presidential Debate. While the whole affair was clouded with random gunfire and heckling from the very pro-us crowd, there were a few tidbits that I felt should be put here for everyone to see. It's the future people! Remember this as 2012 gets closer. And yes these are actual events. It doesn't matter than we were all blitzed out of our gords on vodka, tequila, and tylenol PM at the time we were gazing through the magical glory hole of time... vision.

Moderator: Our first question we will begin with President Obama. Mr. President, our economy has been in tatters for nearly five years now. Stimulus packages have done very little to effect change, inflation is still below one percent, and job market growth has been sluggish. If elected, what are your plans to revitalize the economy?

Obama: Well that's a great question. First, let's take a look at everything we've done over the course of the last four years. We've funneled over a trillion dollars into the economy through stimulus programs and bail outs. Keeping jobs going and creating new ones through federal construction projects. Rest assured our number one concern is getting America back to work and back to prosperity.

Me: Dude you didn't say a fucking thing with all that.

Moderator: Mr. Ellefson....

Me: *Clears throat* Mr... what?

Moderator: *rolls eyes* Mr. Von Biggundong you can't interrupt like that wait your turn.

Me: *After a fit of giggling* Sorry...please continue.

Obama: Well as I was saying, we'll concentrate on making jobs and creating a new market of fair and even trade without the fear of greed ruining it for everyone. A redistribution of America's wealth on an even and fair playing field.

Me: You just quoted Marx! Dude! What the fuck is wrong with you? Even this scabby bitch *points to Palin* knows that!

Obama: Now we can't just start tossing out the ideas of great thinkers of a bygone era simply because they differ from what we're used to.

Me: No, we toss them out because they don't fucking work. Remember the U.S.S.R.? Yeah they loved that shit. Worked real awesome for them didn't it you assmonkey? Socialism doesn't take into account the human factor. Yanno greed, powerlust, and lies.

Moderator: Mr. Ellefson! One more outburst like that and you'll be.. *sound of a gun cocking behind the moderator followed by a low snickering* Uhm.. next question is for Mrs. Palin.

Palin: You betcha!

Me: *Makes a disgruntled noise *

Moderator: You've often been critical of the current administration's policies. What are some policies you would implement upon election for the economy and relations with other countries and faiths?

Palin: Well golly gee that's a great question!

Moderator: *After a silence* Uhm... so?

Palin: Well I just think it's super duper that you would ask such a great question. I'm going to do a lot when I'm elected. Yanno make this here country safe for our kids and stuff.

Me and Obama: *Groaning*

Palin: Yanno the muslims they want to kill us all. And our President is just inviting them in like they're safe to trust and stuff. I mean, before this administration we never had any muslims in this country and now...

Me: For the love of Christ! Bitch shut up! Just shut the fuck up! Everytime you open that yapping pie hole of your's the collective IQ of America drops! Muslims have been here! The whole god damned time!

Moerator: Mr. Ellefson!

Obama: No I'd have to agree with Mr. Ellefson on this one. Mrs. Palin really should just shut the fuck up.

Me: Ohhh! Lookit that gettin all real on us eh Mr. President? It's pussies like you that allow people like her to convince rednecks to vote instead of staying home to pork their sisters!

Moderator: Mr. Ellefson! That is quite enough!

Me: I'm just gettin' started! *Kicks over the podium and whips out twin double sided dildos* This is for America you fuckers!!

Obama: Now wait here!

Palin: Hey! I was talking here dontcha know?

At this point the debate degenerates into a rather wicked beating of both my opponents with large rubber dongs while Palin's former Moose running mate attacks, subdues, and sodomizes the moderator on national television. Chris enters the picture at this point, donkey punching Palin while loudly repeating 'Ooo yah! Super duper!' After bludgeoning both with heavy rubber cocks I apparently got a craving for some KFC. Which I sat down and calmly ate while laughing at Christopher's antics with his new pal the Moose. After things calm down I stand to address the nation through the one camera that wasn't used to do unspeakable things to my opponents in the name of fairness. After all I don't favor one party over the other.

Me: America, tonight I learned something. I learned that even through their differences and name calling, republicans and democrats both have nothing constructive to say about the problems they have created through obstructionist actions and politics as usual. I mean for shit's sake republicans have nothing intelligent to say on any subject ever and democrats have nothing to say on anything period! Look at where we are right now. No better than we were four years ago when Obama got elected on 'change and hope'. Nor are we better than we were two years ago when republicans promised 'change'. We've learned today that republicans and democrats are nothing more then a single huge bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. We've also learned they are both equally uncomfortable with being beaten with huge rubber cocks and Moose rape. So in closing what's my point? *Points to Palin and Obama* My point, America is that you can choose one of them as usual, and wait for the eventual ass fucking they'll give you with more of their bullshit while blaming each other. Or! You can choose us. And not be blindsided by the ass fucking we'll give you. I promise that we'll get you dinner and a movie first at least before bending you over the hood of our car in a dark alley. And if you just relax and let it happen, it'll all be over before you know it and we can go on with our lives. Now if you excuse us, Palin may be an idiot but she has a sweet ass for an old chick. So we're gonna tap that before we let her go. Good night America! And remember.... get out and vote!

At this point we were all too messed up on booze and the occasional whip-it to really see who won. There was the fading image of the Moose joining our campaign team while playing rocks, scissors, paper for the nuclear football launch codes, which he won. So remember everyone Ellefson/Bush in 2012! If for nothing else than the other guys suck!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Campaign 2012: Updates and thoughts on 2010 Elections. A.K.A. The reclaimation of Ineptitude and Obstructionism in politics

So apparently last Tuesday's day of reckoning has helped America 'reclaim' our country. The following morning President 'Schlomo' Obama gave a news conference about how he hopes to work together with incoming republicans to move forward. He used the word 'together' alot. He's apparently forgotten how he has told the republicans to, and I'm paraphrasing here, 'Go fuck yourselves' for the last 18 months or so. Pushing through legislation that was both confusing and not well sold to the public. Any law requiring people to buy anything is unconstitutional at its very core, weather it be health insurance, car insurance, or twelve inch rubber dicks. The government has no right to tell us to purchase anything with the money we earn through working. While democrats speak of how the health care bill will help millions and republicans bitch and moan about how it will cost the tax payers money you don't hear any of them griping about the main issue. That the law will make Insurance companies billions. Why? Because you HAVE to buy insurance now. From them. The regulations in it are weak, complicated, and ultimately futile in their attempt to reign in the daily rape of the American public by the countries biggest offenders, the Insurance Conglomerates.

Here's my issue with Insurance Companies. You pay them a premium for financial help just in case something happens to you. When something does happen, that same company you've been paying money for years and years and asked for nothing in return... does every thing it can to not to live up to it's obligations to you. This is a given, there is no exception to this rule. Every Insurance company will try their best to fuck you out of the help they promised you in exchange for the money you've payed them over the years. When they do have to pay out they fight you tooth and nail. These crooked bastards have worked closely with the Health Care industry to drive costs up so high that you have to get insurance or you'll be turned away from a doctor unless you're bleeding out on their floor.. and even then they'll stop the bleeding and send you back out the door with a few bandaids and a pat on the back. This health care reform, in its current form and wording WON'T stop this practice. People can point out all the things it's SUPPOSED to do, but as it stands right now all this law requires is that people buy insurance come 2014, the wording in the law will allow insurance companies loopholes and ways out of paying. So all this law does now in it's current form is force people to spend money on something that won't work for them when it's needed.

Now, lets take a look at how this huge turn around election will effect you and me. Safe to say that it will change... nothing. Democrats and Republicans will spend the next two years finger pointing, bitching, calling each other names, and blaming each other for the problems this nation faces. All the while they'll be taking their obligatory payments from their sponsors in corporate America. Basicly think of it as walking down a dark alley at night. Suddenly hundreds of individuals jump out of the shadows, beat the crap out of you, steal your wallet, and bend you over the dumpster before running a train on you. All the while they're yelling and screaming at each other about how evil and wrong the other guys are for stealing your money and sodomizing you with random alley items... while they're stealing your money and sodomizing you with a bat. In short, my friends, I say to you fuck these guys. If you want real change, 2012 is the year to bring it about. I give to you all new Campaign goals and promises. On top of my old ones these shall help guide America back to an era of prosperity and... okay well maybe not prosperity but at least accountability. Let's get started.

1: The Brutalize your Representative/Senator Act.
All too often our politicians today promise to do something upon election and then once there, go completely the other way. I'm not talking about those that promise to try to pass legislation and then are unable to get that legislation through, if they try at least they're keeping their word. I'm talking about the ass clowns that promise to work together with opposing parties or other such nonsense then once they get to Washington they proceed to be the loudest, most obvious voice of discontent. So once elected I will introduce the Brutalize your Representative/Senator Act. This law will hold our elected officials to their word and campaign promises. If they don't stick to their word the people that voted them into office are invited, twice a year, to a public and open beating of said elected official. The official is shackled in a central area of the city, just like times of old and people can come by and throw shit at them, beat them with provided canes, or piss on them.. literally, as they have been figuratively pissing on you.

2: Campaign finance reform will pass.... or else.
I'll give Congress just one month to pass common sense laws that make the legalized bribery I.E. lobbying, illegal. As well as laws to keep corporations from buying elections and to level the playing field for everyone. Special interests will be excluded from elections at all costs. If they fail to abide by this demand I will bomb congress. How will I bomb congress? That's the easy part. I'll hold a lottery. We'll use the money to pay for the C4 explosive that we'll line every seat in congress and the senate with. The winning ticket will recieve the right to push the detonator during a random session of congress. Before we actually do push the button though we'll have several 'walk throughs' just to scare the shit out of them and perhaps see if they actually get some god damned work done rather than pointing fingers and calling names. See, I'm good with motivating others.

3: National Beat a Pundit Day.
Who hasn't wanted to smash Glenn Beck in the face with a shovel or feed Sarah Palin a steel toe boot to the grill? Maybe string Stewart up by that smarmy grin of his? Sodomize the entire cast of MSNBC with a nine iron? I dare say most of have wanted to do at least one. Well I give to you National Beat a Pundit Day. Every year on the first monday of every November we'll pull a random television or radio pundit's name out of a big fucking hat. Once again we'll hold a lottery before hand and the winning ticket will get to brutally beat down the pundit who's name has been chosen. All proceeds go to the national debt.

4: I will impregnate Jessica Alba, the old fashioned way mind you!
Come on. Like you wouldn't?

5: Pot will be legalized.
I will however make it illegal for Corporate America to sell it. This way people get their weed and will be far, far too high to pay attention when I bomb congress and give the military and police forces around the country a huge payraise, then declare myself Emperor. I promise to wear the dark robes and figure out how to do that lightning shooting thingie that we all think just rocks. After declaring myself Emperor I will have Vice-President Christopher Bush dipped in a lake of lava and then secured in black plastic armor with a really loud respirator attached. Why? Because he can take it and as we all know chicks dig scars.

6: Oliver Stone will be banned from making any more movies.
Seriously dude, just stop already.

And now for a list of campaign promises I won't keep, as we all know every politician has to have one. So here's a quick list:

1: I'll balance the budget.
2: I'll give everyone a tax break.
3: I will personally rob every rich person in America and give back to the poor like Robin Hood.
4: I will not declare myself Emperor.
5: I will not abuse my position in any way!

Remember folks, 2012, the year of the Naked One!