2012: The Year of the Naked One

In 2012 I'll be 36 years old and officially old enough to begin my conquest of the White House. Seeing as how I don't have the financial backing of any major corporations or industries yet I'll need to start out small with my campaign. So, where better to start than with you, my loyal and faithful lackies...err minions..uhm...readers...yeah that's the ticket. So remember, you read it here first! You'll be able to say 'I was there when it all started...'

So let's begin with my official declaration of candidacy:
I, your lord and master, being of sound body, mind, and bowels. Do hereby declare my candidacy for the position of President of the United States this 29th day of June, 2010. If elected I will work tirelessly to defend the great nation of America and it's public, at least the ones that voted for me, and to secure our nation from all threats, both foreign and domestic... that means you Martha Stewart!

What are going to be my campaign promises? Well that's a good question. One that I will address in good time. But as every politician will tell you, every successful campaign starts with a powerful message to the people. A platform to stand upon. So with that in mind we'll get started on that.

"I will avoid the sexual scandals that have marred politics for decades."
Hey that's a good one. How am I going to do that? Well as President I will be the most powerful man in the free world. Right behind Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Donald Trump, all the oil company CEO's, Walmart's board of directors, and Vince MacMahon. That will make it virtually impossible to avoid easy women that are attracted to power, no matter how small the penis may be....
So how will I do it? Simple. I won't. And I'll make sure the entire nation knows about it. There will be a webcam posted in every bedroom I ever sleep in as president. We'll charge pay per view prices which can then be applied to the national debt. Yes, my future nation, I'lll fuck many, many hot sluts to help pay off our national debt. Just doing my part. Who wouldn't want to log into www.theprezscrewssluts.com? I will surround myself with strippers at all times. News conferences, state dinners, golf outings, and overseas visits. I will constantly have an entourage of hot, half nude strippers ready at a moment's notice to give a no holds barred lap dance to anyone I may be trying to negotiate with at the time. Let's face it, it's harder to concentrate on anything when there's a pair of tits in your face and a naked woman gyrating on your junk. This will allow us as a nation to get the upper hand with any other country we may enter negotiations with.

"I will legalize weed."
Not only will I make weed legal, but I will also require every member of congress to smoke up before any and all legislation can be voted upon or even thought up. After all they already make up shit like they're high as fuck so why not actually BE high as fuck? This way I can veto all of their bills by simply saying 'Who the fuck thought of this?!? Were they high?' This will eventually lead to my declaring congress an utter failure. Which in turn I will use as a perfectly legitimate reason to order the bombing of congress by B-2 stealth bombers while they are in session. After which I will open up new elections for congress. If you're over the age of 55, a lawyer, make over $500,000 a year, or a politician that has been in any sort of office for more than 10 years, you cannot run for elected office in congress of any sort. Why? Because you're out of touch with what the common man needs. We don't need more pretty words and bipartisian bullshit.

"All the rapists, murders, and violent criminals in our prison system will be taken out back and beat to death with a hose."
But that's inhumane! One thing you must understand: In order to be inhumane you must be doing said actions upon humans. Which all of the above, are not. They're rabid animals and should be put down like one. Why should I burden you, my faithful public, with higher taxes to feed and house these things? Yes things, they're not really people. We can put said hose beatings on pay per view and put the money towards the national debt. But we'll broadcast them for free in juvenile halls across America. If that doesn't scare kids straight nothing will.

"I will abolish all political parties and make campaign 'donations' illegal."
This is actually a pretty simple one. Belonging to a 'party' that denotes every thought and vote that comes out of your head is being a sheep. Sheep don't lead others. Sheep chew on grass all day and get molested by the scottish. It's impossible to run a government when your lawmakers are being led around by special interest groups and political parties that buy or tell them how to vote. Not to mention the line of scotsmen waiting outside the capital building with their sheers and tubes of lube. If you want to get elected, connect with the people that are voting for you. Not the huge corporations that are ripping them off and making their lives more miserable than a catholic priest without an altar boy.

"The national religion will be determined by annual combat to the death."
If the big religions of the world want to fight each other so much, let's make it official. Every year we as a nation will hold a 'Tournament of the Gods'. Each major religious faction... hell ANY religious faction can enter a champion of their choice. Combat is physical melee only, no ranged weapons or guns. Which ever religious faction has the last man standing after the tournament will be the official state religion for that year. All other religions may still practice and be free of persecution but won't receive their tax exempt status for that year. Losing religious factions will be taxed a full 50% of their earnings for the year to be applied directly to the winner's military. Yes, they'll be required to field the army to fight all the losers for that year's tournament because as we all know, all the losers who are not the state religious faction will be trying to 'kill the infidels' because that's what religion is all about... 'Believe what I say or I'll hurt you!'

"I want the nuclear football and I want it now."
What? I want to push the shiny red button.


Forward my faithful! Together we can change the world! Now go forth and spread the word.

Angry strippers, platform heels, and YOU!: A naked ninja survival guide.

Seeing as how I, your faithful Lord and Master, work in a strip club many people want to know what it's like. Well when I tell them it's like being married to fifteen different women all at once, their fantasies of how it's the greatest job in the world tend to melt away. Now if you know me well enough you'll know that my mouth has a tendency to get ahead of my brain. While most of my friends find the trouble this causes me very, very funny, it can also cause a bit of grief for me.

So here you are my friends. Through my extensive experience in the strip club industry these past ten years I give you the Naked Ninja Guide to surviving a lynching by a mob of angry strippers.

Step 1: Knowing your enemy is key!
It doesn't matter what you did to deserve, or likely not deserve, said lynching. Calling one a bitch, forgetting to placate them with shots of hard alcohol, or telling them that dress does in fact make them look fat. All that matters is they're coming after you and you need to listen and listen well to survive. Strippers come in several varieties and sub-species. And knowing which type of stripper mob your dealing with will be critical in surviving this most dire of situations. A stripper 'mob' is much like a herd of any other sort of omnivore creature. It's often led by one, perhaps two alpha strippers. Whatever type of stripper is filling the role of 'alpha' at the time of your lynching is the stripper you most need to identify in order to survive. Here's how to identify them.
A: The hot chick stripper.
This type of stripper was the hot girl in high school. Well liked and popular, maybe a former prom or home coming queen. She's fallen on hard times since figuring out that her looks and willingness to fuck any football player that comes along isn't going to get her far in this world unless she manages to land an NFL player, which by now she hasn't. You can recognize this type of stripper by her undeserved sense of accomplishment, still looking down at people in a high school-ish manner, and her inability to shut the fuck up when telling others how to do their jobs. While dangerous when cornered as any stripper is, the hot chick type stripper is likely far too afraid of the other strippers to often come to the head of a mob, but it has been known to happen, such was the case in the Vegas Club Incident of September 2006. Dark days indeed.

B: The Goth Chick Stripper.
This type of stripper is fairly rare, since goth chicks generally disdain any and all forms of life. But every now and then you get one that can control their natural urge to insult and demean everyone around them just long enough to make some money. The goth chick stripper is generally an outsider in her life and prefers it that way, as most goth chick strippers hate all other females not of the goth persuasion. The goth chick is easily recognized by her dark make up, multiple facial piercings, pale complexion, and the burning hatred in her eyes. While not as dangerous as some other types of strippers, the goth chicks are highly accurate with nut-shots and headbutts.

C: The Nerdy Stripper.
This type of stripper is usually in college and is only stripping to make some extra cash. Often unaware of their actual hotness level most nerdy strippers are docile and gentle. The nerdy stripper is often shy and doesn't approach men for tips or dances, which makes her the one you most want to be in the head of a mob. If by some reason the other strippers have decided to follow a nerdy stripper you can easily escape while they debate the pros and cons of lynching your ass. However, angering the nerdy stripper is NOT recommended. As most of us on the net know, a nerd of any sort in a full on state of rage is the most dangerous animal on the planet, add to that the fact that the nerdy stripper has probably been groped by at least one lecherous old man that day and you're dealing with the most irrational and dangerous being you will ever, ever face. Run.

D: The Girl-Next-Door Stripper.
This type of stripper is always incredibly sweet, charming, adorable, and sexy. They were the girl in high school that everyone was friends with. She uses that charm to make her some money these days. You have to watch out for the girl-next-door stripper as she will work her way past any sort of bullshit alarm or early warning system you may have (I recommend the ACME No-shitzone 2000) and get close to you. They'll be a loyal friend and good companion from anything to movies up to criminal activity. However, making a girl-next-door stripper angry will result in all your worst secrets being shot out faster than semen from Peter North's cock. Be prepared to see a lot of whispering and hushed snickering as everything from the size of your junk to that embarrassing episode of bed-wetting you had in middle school is now public knowledge.

E: The Veteran Stripper.
While not a veteran of any war this type of stripper is just as shell shocked, battle fatigued, and traumatized as the baddest of Vietnam Vets. She's been at the stripping gig for well over ten years now and has seen it all. Literally. From men that want to be beat and peed on, to men that want to curl up in their lap and call them mommy. This is by far the most dangerous of all the strippers you will ever encounter. She hates you. Just by walking in the building she has already dreamed of stabbing you with a broken beer bottle and stealing your wallet before you've even sat down. You MUST be careful with the veteran stripper because just like any war weary veteran any little thing can send her off into a murderous rage the likes of which your balls will never survive.

Step 2: Create a distraction.
Now that you've recognized the type of stripper that's leading the mob coming after you its time to create a distraction. While strippers are easily distracted by shiny objects you may not be able to get that handful of coins out of your pocket in time. The best distractions are usually loud noises, bright lights, shouting things in a foreign language, or pointing out the nearest guy with a fat wallet. Above all else, never turn your back and run while they are looking at you, this invokes a stripper's instinct to pounce as she would in the wild.

Step 3: Try to look intimidating.
Strippers, for the most part, are fairly easy to startle. Like all women they have been hard wired to jump and girly scream if scared. This can provide you a chance to escape before they tie you a stake and burn you alive. Try waving your arms above your head and shouting 'boogie boogie boogie!!' at them as loud as you can. If that doesn't work stand your ground. Strippers generally won't charge right away if you stand your ground. Hold out one hand to them, palm facing them and proclaim that they should 'talk to the hand'. If all else fails, drop your pants. Most strippers have been groped, grabbed, and licked all day long against their will. This in turn has given them a temporary aversion to penises. So proudly whip your wang out and waggle it at them. As they cower, or more likely laugh uncontrollably, you can calmly zip up and get away.

Step 4: Go down swinging.
If you can't escape, and most likely you can't, you might as well go down like a champ. When they mob pounces on you, make sure you grab as many boobs as you can. After all they're already going to string you up by your nuts so what else can they do to you? As we all know there's plenty of worse ways to go out than being mauled to death by hot, half naked women. In fact my cousin Rob has actually asked to be executed this way for his crimes. (Who would have thought calling Hilary Clinton a 'used up dirty douchenozzle' was a capital offense?)


So there you have it my friends. Remember to use my years of experience and heed the advice of this Survival Guide and you too can live through a lynching by angry strippers!

So you've got an oil spill: The Naked Ninja's Guide to Enviromental Protection

So apparently there's some sort of oil in the Gulf of Mexico or something. Has anyone else heard about this? Well it seems to have alot of people up in arms over it and there hasn't seemed to be much of a response. So I've decided to lay out my plans for how to deal with this oil spill if I were president, instead of just a guy with an overactive imagination and a flare for naked debauchery. Ready? Here we go.

Step 1: Ignore it.
Like with all issues I find that ignoring it tends to make it go away. At least for a little while. Don't make any public statements, don't go to see things first hand, and for the love of god get some fucking golf in. Golf solves the world's problems. One day, world peace will be achieved through golf. Seriously. We all know golf is a gentleman's sport... and if we're talking Tiger here, a gentleman's club sport. Gotta love them strippers. Mmmmmm... titties....

Step 2: Blame the other guy.
Do whatever it takes to shift blame away from yourself. Is it your fault the oil rig blew up? No of course not. It was the guy in office before you. Make sure to play off the almost universal and irrational hatred for the guy that was in office before you. Yeah he's been gone for over a year now, but people still hate him so blame that guy. If that doesn't work blame the company. It is their fault after all. It's also their fault that they took advantage of shitty regulation, corrupt officials, poor enforcement, and outright bribery. I mean COME ON these are just government people here. Bribery is part of the job. It's expected. It's not your fault that the people in your administration are taking money from these guys! After all what are you supposed to do, watch what your people do or something? Pfft. You're not a babysitter. It's not part of your job to monitor the people that work for you. Now let's play some fucking golf.

Step 3: Don't make any public appearances before at least 30 days.
Oil spills are tricky things. And really, you got shit to do. Like go golfing and maybe take the family on vacation.. twice. For the love of all that is holy don't go down there before you give the inept, corrupt, greedy company that caused this fucking mess time to clean their shit up. After all, you have to let them fuck up enough and consistently so that you can act all mad at them. Again make sure you deflect any sort of personal responsibility for any of this mess. Or any responsibility of your administration. Remember... it's not your fault so there is no reason to show any sort of urgency or really that you give a fuck about anything. Remember... golf, the fairway is calling.

Step 4: Act pissed and indignant.
Okay so the public is really pissed off now and they're saying you're not doing enough to stop this mess or hold the company accountable. Well who the fuck are they to question you? You have to remember one thing when dealing with the peasants...errr... public. They're beneath you. You're better than them. So they don't have a clue as to how to actually do shit. That's your job. So make sure to hold a press conference and remind the public that they're all dipshits and just this side of mentally retarded. Make sure to make all your mad faces and use strong language. After all you had to put your golf clubs down for this shit.

Step 5: Come up with silly plans to stop the leak
Well now that all these idiots are pissed off about this oil you'll probably have to do something about it. So, play one last game of golf and then get to work on some plans. First things first though you need to make sure that any anger from the public gets switched over to the oil company. Otherwise you may have to make some changes or admit there was wrong doing in your administration. Since you and I both know you're the second coming of Jesus.. or whatever savior of choice.. we both know you can do no wrong. You're not only the leader of your country your the fucking messiah and god damnit no one is going to tell you that you're wrong. So let's come up with some plans already...

Plan A: Throw some shit on it.
We all know oil and water don't mix. It's like elephant and pig DNA. So throw something on the water to soak up the oil. Who cares what as long as it looks like you've got some brilliant plan to soak up all this fucking oil. And try to make sure it seems as 'natural' as possible. People are big on 'green' shit these days to pander to these assholes. Tell them that human hair would be awesome and send salons across the nation into a panic about collecting hair they cut off. Next tell them that wool works, right off the sheep. Better yet tell them to throw the sheep in the water too! Not only will this make them feel like they're helping with the oil spill but its also highly amusing to watch a sheep give that 'What the fuck?!?' look as they're tossed overboard. You Tube videos ensue.

Plan B: Get your buddies in the media to help out.
You're going to need some damage control here. So make sure all your pals in the media who helped you get elected in the first place start digging up dirt on the oil company. Make sure they don't place the blame on your people that accepted bribes and gifts from the company.. or the poor regulation and shitty enforcement of the laws that would have prevented this.. no no. Tell them to focus on the company. Soon enough they'll whip the public into a frenzy and they'll soon be calling for the company's head on a platter. Which you and your friends in the media can readily serve up for them.

Plan C: For the love of Christ, get some fucking golf in.
You're gonna be pretty stressed out after doing a few days worth of work and deflecting all this anger and blame to somewhere other than you. After all you're not to blame, you're beyond reproach. You're the chosen one after all, even Oprah said so. And we all know that fat hog is never wrong. And if you say she is she'll sue your ass so drop it. The fairways are calling and it's time to pick up those clubs you put down the other day. Get out there and get 18 in before noon!

In closing let's remember the most important thing here. This isn't your fault so you don't really have to put that much effort into it. No one can honestly blame you for something that happened on your watch anyway, we all know everything that goes wrong during your administration is the other guy's fault. Just ask Jon Stewart.

A Naked Ninja's Survival Guide: So you've accidentally invaded Isreal...

With all the hub bub going on over the blockade Isreal has against Gaza I've been getting alot of questions about what I think. Honestly, it doesn't matter what I think because, let's face it, Isreal could give a fuck what anyone thinks. Nor should they! Isreal is a small country, surrounded by crazy fuckers that want nothing more than to kill every one of them. Why? Lots of reasons. But I think the biggest one is that pretty much every country in the middle east attacked Isreal at once... and Isreal beat the fuck outta them all. So I think it's just a case of penis envy. Isreal proved they have the biggest stroke so to speak and lesser men everywhere seethed with jealousy.

But I digress! We're not here to talk about the politics, or cock envy, that is behind the middle east issues. We're here to discuss surviving your accidental invasion of Isreal. It doesn't matter what your motivation may have been. Be it a crazy attempt to run the blockade like any good 'peace activist', a single sojourn to punish the Chosen People, or just a drunken prank gone way, way too far. Let's get started.

First, you have to understand your enemy. Isreal. Let's look back here on things. Isreal was formed after WWII after the jewish people suffered greatly under the Germans. This was back before the Germans became the drunken pussies they are today. Back before leiderhosen were thought of as a good idea by anyone in their right mind. Back before the collective spine of Germany was ripped out and used as a ass crack scratcher by America. (Note: You're welcome France... you wine sipping cheese eating surrender monkeys.) The surrounding countries, most of arabic decent and muslim faith didn't like jews just being handed land. But that's for another time. Basicly they all decided to gang up and beat up Isreal and kick them off the school yard.

Isreal, being full of jews that were pretty much fed the fuck up with taking any shit from anyone of any sort, proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of all comers. It was made clear over the next five decades or so that Isreal wasn't going to put up with any hijinks from their neighbors.. or really anyone for that matter. Gone were the days of suffering under the tyrany of another. It's widely believed that israeli men can actually decapatate an enemy with nothing more than their swinging cocks. Why? Because they fucking can! And can you think of anything more terrifying on the battlefield or in the dead of night than seeing one of your comrades in arms cut down by a naked israeli swinging his junk around like a saber? I thought not.

So here you are. Invading Isreal even while knowing the horrors of penial decapitation that awaits you. Now that you know your enemy and the death that surely awaits you I will attempt to help you survive this most dire of situations. First thing you have to keep in mind is that they will fucking kill you. Why? You're the moron that's trying to invade remember? I know, I know you want to argue the legality of Isreal's right to exist. Or call them tyrants that are oppressing a people. Oh! I know, you don't recognize Isreal as a nation so how could you possibly be doing anything illegal? Well numbnuts, Isreal recognizes YOU as some douchenozzle trying to crash their party. It doesn't matter what you think, all that matters is what the bad ass jews with the big guns and their Star of David shuriken coming at you think. And they think you're toast. So now that we have semantics out of the way and you understand you're going to have to do more than whine like virgin on prom night to survive this, let's get started.

Step 1: Dress like a roman centurion.

Jewish people have a deep, innate fear of the Roman Legions of old. Why? Cause they used to feed jews to lions for fun! Seriously! Granted they used to feed christians, pagans, gauls, goths, africans, greeks, other romans, and their mothers-in-law to the lions too. But the jewish folk took it on the chin here... alot. So if you're going to survive your encounter with Isreali special forces you gotta look the part to draw out their ancient fears. They may not even know why seeing you dressed up like a centurion makes them afraid, it just does.

Remember to speak in latin. Why? It's what the romans spoke you fucktard.

Remember not to charge or corner any of them, you're trying to survive here and either of these actions may snap them out of their fear, resulting in your swift and painful death.

Step 2: Don't make any sudden movements.

Israeli special forces, while incredibly deadly and accurate have one fatal flaw. Their vision is based on movement. So if you don't move they can't see you. While I've been told this is absolutely not true and is a direct rip off of Jurassic Park, I've yet to have anyone that I've taught how to survive invading Isreal return and refute this wild assumption... or return. So until then I'm sticking with it.

Step 3: Make sure to announce all plans to invade Isreali territory.

Contact media outlets of any kind. Give your trip's itinerary and by all means make sure that Isreal knows your coming. While this may seem counter-productive what it will provide is an army of sychophant media followers that will do anything they can to expose the 'barbarism' of Isreal. How DARE they defend themselves against an illegal intrusion upon their territory? Also, be sure to call yourself and any of your army 'activists'. This will further infuriate the nations of the world onto your side. While they won't actually do anything to help you, after all they're scared shitless of Isreal too, they will condem Isreal's kicking your ass all over the place. Isreal will, in return, continue to give the nations of the world a huge, giant, collective middle finger.

Step 4: Don't use clubs, sticks, knives, or other pussy means of attacking Isreal.

As we've seen from recent footage of the raid on the flotilla headed for Gaza, hitting Isreali special forces with big sticks, stabbing them with knives or throwing them off a boat just pisses them off. And when you piss them off they're going to kill you. So I suggest calling them bad names or waving your penis at them menacingly. While this won't help with your invasion of Isreal, it may cause the soldiers to become incapacitated with laughter long enough for you to run the fuck away. Never insult their mothers though. Insulting an isreali soldier's mother will bring down a shit storm on your head you just don't want.

Step 5: Escape as fast as you can.

The last thing you want to do is hang around after accidentally invading Isreal. As I stated at the start of this article, it doesn't matter why you've invaded Isreal it just matters that you have. And now you've a horde of fed up half bezerker, half enraged killing machine, half ninja, all pissed off jews on your hands. The best thing you can do right now is grow curly sideburns, put on a goofy looking hat and fall to your knees shouting something about Moses and frogs. Provided you can't do that make sure you have a pair of stone tablets you can throw at a golden calf idol you have strategically placed to distract them. By all means don't just stand there! For the love of Abraham run!

Remember these few facts about Isreal and they may help you but most likely not.

A. Isreal was voted most likely to kick your ass in it's senior yearbook.

B. Pictures of Jon Stewart are likely to anger Isreal. No one knows why.

C. Ninjas didn't fade away. Isreal invented time travel, went back in time, learned their secrets and skills, then killed them for fear of anyone else learning such means of awesomeness.

D. Even though I'm a ninja, my only skills include drinking to excess and being naked. Therefore I pose no threat to Isreal. (Don't kill me)

As you see there's very slim chance for you to survive your accidental invasion of Isreal. But by following these simple instructions as I have laid out, not only will you still most likely not survive but you'll provide hours of entertainment for the rest of us. Those of us that are smart enough not to provoke this nation of highly paranoid, highly skilled, well equiped and proud people, will enjoy the video footage of some ass puppet getting the shit beat out of them. Remember, it's you that makes our world a brighter place. Good luck on your invasion!

Word Association with the Naked One

Okay, so alot of my co-workers and such want to try a fairly simple technique called Word Association to get a better view of how my brain works. To this I say.. Good luck suckers! So here's some of the words they spat out at me and my responses. Hope this helps!

Work: Money... and titties.
Play: Spending money... and hopefully some titties.
Other Men: Don't trust most of them. Competition for titties.
Women: Don't trust most of them. But they have titties.
Titties: Mmmmmmm.... titties....
Your kids: My greatest accomplishment. They'll make a difference in this world someday.. that's if they survive to adulthood without me strangling them to death out of sheer frustration.
Your Family: Meh. Judgemental, set in their ways. Don't have a clue how my life works. My grandparents are awesomesauce though. Greatest people ever to walk this Earth.
Politicians: Liars.
Businessmen: Out to fuck everyone a little harder and a little faster than they'll get fucked. (Thanks George Carlin!)
Love: Didn't believe in it until recently.
Sex: Yes please.
Lust: My favorite of the deadly sins... well other than wrath.
Wrath: Fear my army of monkey commandos in hot pants!!!
Brothers: Jason, Chris, Tracy; where would I be without them?
Asians: I'm so asian I'm ninja!
Blacks: Deshiontie.... titties...mmmmmmm
Latinos: Taco taco.... burrito! (Fuckin south park)
English People: Polite motherfuckers.
Arabs: Nice people. Except the crazy ones.
Terrorists: Pussies.
French people: Super Pussies.
Germans: Drunk pussies.
The Swiss: The nice Germans ya.
Israelis: Bad ass Jews.
Favorite Food: Italian.
Favorite Carryout: Strippers.... what? Don't look at me like that.
Women who love to give head: You make the world a better, happier place. I love you all.
Women who don't give head: Bye, see ya!
Congress: Fail.
President Obama: Pretty words. Failsauce.
Fox News: Silence whore.
Main stream media: Silence whore!
Celebrities: Make movies. Shut up. I don't care what you think politically. You're my clowns, entertain me fuckers.
Christians: Next.
Muslims: NEXT!
Jews: NEXT!!!
Scientologists: Seriously? Okay.. Tom fucking Cruise. At least they're good at scamming celebrities out of their money.
Blondes: Apparently they have more fun. Yayy! Fun titties!
Brunettes: Smart titties.
Red Heads: Haaawwwt titties.


And that's about it!

Political Stances of the Naked Ninja

Although politics has entered a new era, now with 57% more suck and 83% more corruption, some people still ask me where my loyalties lie. Well the answer is pretty simple, with the one that makes the most sense. Party lines have divided this country into the stupid and the even more stupid.

What I mean by that isn't as simple as party politics. So for the layperson, here's a simple list of political issues and my stances on them.

Conservatives: Gay bashing, gun toting, minority hating, big business loving, greedy, corrupt, hypocrites. Uber conservative people are among the most retarded people on the planet. Seriously. Shooting down every idea for the sake of shooting it down because it didn't come from your party is the very height of ignorance and pettiness. Anyone that embraces Sarah Palin should just stick their head in a fucking microwave and save us all the trouble. Also has anyone noticed that these guys hate gays but every sexual scandal that comes out is some gay bashing conservative getting his dick sucked in a bathroom by a DUDE?!? Text book self-loathers.

Liberals: *Sigh* Gun hating, white hating, man hating, big business loving, big government loving, greedy, corrupt, hypocritical pussies. Uber liberals come up with ideas that verge on treason and think they're spectacular. They are the ultimate two faced assholes. They claim they will change how things are done but almost instantly resort to how things have been for decades. They hate the military and hamstring every effort our troops make to win any war of any kind. The media for the most part falls in this category. Change for the sake of change is just as stupid as not allowing good ideas through. Obama, while he speaks all nice and flowery, needs to have a giant dick shoved in his mouth so he'll shut the fuck up. He's clueless and at best a quasi-socialist, at worst he's fucking incompetent.

Anyone who claims they are one thing is the embodiment of all that is wrong with this country. No one is just ONE thing. Me, for example, when it comes to financial issues like the national budget, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to financial issues like reigning in wall street and the criminals that sent this country spiraling into this ruin we find ourselves at, I'm pretty fucking liberal there. Also I love strippers.

The Wars: We need to take the gloves off our troops and let them actually FIGHT. I have fought for our country and served my time. The media needs to lay off our guys. War is hell. Guess what? In war people get fucking killed and shit gets destroyed. That's why its called war and not happy fun fun time. The enemy we're facing doesn't care about innocents or boundries. They will kill anyone they can to get their point across. There is no negotiating with them, there is no reasoning with them. We have to KILL them before they kill us. It's that simple. We can't run up and hug them into submission. Politicians that have never served a day in our military need to shut the fuck up and listen to the experts, yanno the people that have some experience in this, this means YOU Mr. President. Douche.

The Oil Spill: Wow. That's a pretty big oopsie there. What do you mean methods that work on land won't work a mile below the ocean at those pressures? Really? Maybe if the southern states get drenched in oil they'll pay a little more attention to who they elect and maybe we can keep some of the big oil loving ass monkeys out of office. I do find it amusing that Obama took a month to do anything and the media has yet to crucify him. Bush was three days late and they were on his shit like my ex on a strange man's cock. That's really, really fast if you were wondering.

Gays in the military: As a former marine I can honestly say 85% of the military doesn't give a fuck if your gay. And the ones that do care are generally the dipshit rednecks that the rest of us would let run in first to get shot. It's called 'cannon fodder' people, look it up. Besides if I have to have someone watching my ass, it might as well be someone that thinks my ass is cute.

Gay marriage: Uhm. Who the hell cares. If they want to be miserable with the rest of us go for it!

Gun control: Enforce the laws we have and it might work. Otherwise I'm gonna need my guns for when the government collapses under its own stupidity. Hey! I have a regional warlordship to form here people.

President Obama: Choke on a dick, shut the fuck up, go away.

President Bush: How the hell did we end up electing every cowboy cliche all wrapped up into one epicly defective package?

President Clinton: Slimebag piece of shit that nearly got me killed while I was in the service. Fuck you and the prostitute a.k.a "intern" you rode in on.

Congress: What those guys? They suck more than a two dollar hooker on half off day. Votes for sale to the highest bidder. No fucking accountability and absolutely no fucking ethics.

Organized religion: Deluded. Most mean well. But most also fail to see that organized religion of any sort, ultimately, comes down to power and controlling the masses. And money. Lots and lots of money.

So, Naked Ninja, you say, How can we change and save this amazing country we all live in? Well that's actually pretty simple. Shut the news off. Don't listen to the radio shows about politics. They're all self serving douchenozzles that are only there to suck off their party. This includes, but isn't limited to; Fox News, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, every lunatic on the radio with a talk show, even guys like Stewart and Colbert. I find them both funny but they're both left wing mouth pieces. Research the candidates. You can look almost anything up on the internet. Make up your OWN mind. We're the generation that will have to save this country from the ass puppets we'll be getting it from. They got it wrong. Dead fucking wrong. And we're the ones that will be paying the price for it for decades to come. I, for one, don't want to leave things worse off for my kids. We have to think about who makes the most sense and who has the best track records. Political parties are wrong. They've destroyed what was once the gleaming jewel of hope on this planet. So to republicans and democrats alike I say this:

Fuck you. Every empire must fall and now are the days of your discontent. You too will fall. Simply put, suck the collective giant cock of America and go away.

Your's in shadow and nakedness,

Ninja