Nekid Peoples

Monday, August 23, 2010

How to use the Bill of Rights as toilet paper: One easy step!

Hello again everyone! This week we'll be examining a current bill before the wonderful and caring men and women of the Senate. We'll also speak of the men responsible for trying to save us all from the evils of terrorism and give them the credit due to such brilliant thinkers.

Here it is folks, while perhaps looking good on paper this is one of those bills that is much like my ex girlfriend. It looks pretty hot from a few steps back. Up close its nice, has a pretty hot ass, nice full lips and pretty eyes. But before you know it, she's running around fucking everyone while you're not looking. The wording of the bill as it was introduced to the floor:

"The Terrorist Expatriation Act would allow the State Department to revoke the citizenship of people who provide support to terrorist groups like Al Qaeda or who attack the United States or its allies."

And:

"The State Department will make an administrative determination that a U.S. Citizen has indicated an intent to renounce their citizenship by supporting an FTO."

Well hmm, what's so wrong with that? In practice? Nothing. IF it were to remain true to the wording of the bill. However we've all seen how good our government is at turning legislation on its ear for its own purposes. The wording of the bill is 'support for a terrorist organization'. Also it turns taking YOUR rights from you into an administrative act, rather than a judicial one. You would never stand in front of a judge, never get a chance to plead your case. The reason this is so bloody terrifying is that our elected officials have no idea how to actually apply their laws. Look at the Patriot Act. Great in theory, would be awesome in application if done right. But a few years back it was used by the FBI to break up a cock fighting ring in Tennessee.

Now I'm not sure what men battling one another with their junk has to do with terrorism and I'm pretty sure the FBI overstepped their bounds, used the Patriot act to get an end around the law and these guys' right to play tummy swords with one another. Not only that but they used the Patriot Act as a way to keep Gay men from their right to cock fight with one another and....what? Chickens? Seriously they used it to break up a chicken fighting ring? Well that's even worse! Not only does our government hate Gay people but now they hate Chickens too!

So let's make this clear. Using this law in conjunction with other 'terrorist' laws that have been misused since their passing into law the U.S Government can label you a 'terrorist' for any sort of activity they don't like. The can use the Patriot Act to tap your phone, follow you, take pictures of you, record your private conversations with people, and if they don't like what you're doing they can arrest you as a terrorist for any law you happen to break, no matter how small it is. And once you're in custody for loitering, drunk in public, disorderly conduct, or actually going to the local korean massage parlor and getting that happy ending, they can label you a terrorist and strip you of your citizenship, which in turn, strips you to your right of due process.

The REALLY scary thing is that the Patriot Act clears the FBI and government agencies to pretty much spy on anyone they deem a 'threat'. That includes millions of americans already on 'watch lists' that are completely innocent of any wrong doing simply because they attend a rally or a protest or speak out loud about their distrust of the government or their lack of satisfaction with their elected officials. Hell I bet I'm on one of those lists. I bet you're on one of those lists for simply reading this blog.

Who could want to introduce such a vague and all encompassing law?

LIEBERMAN!! *Shakes his fist at the sky*

That's right folks. Of all the people that could come up with this shitty, ill thought out law it would have to be our old friend Droopy. Along with his pal, Ron 'Look at my pecs' Brown, he actually thought this would be a good idea! I share with you now the email I sent to Senator Lieberman's website.

"Dear Senator Lieberman,

You are either Darth Vader in disguise or the dumbest man to ever grace the Senate floor. Do you not realize that every law congress has ever passed dealing with terrorists and taking away rights of American citizens has been abused by every law enforcement agency in the country? Do you not realize this law would be abused as well? The wonders that the FBI has worked with the Patriot act are overshadowed by their abuses. The Terrorist Expatriation Act will only allow them MORE sweeping powers to arrest and take away the citizenship of anyone they or their superiors deem a 'threat'. Without standing in front of a judge to make that call. You want to hand the power to revoke an American's rights to 'administrative' actions. Are you insane? Are you high? I would like to think you're just high. So please, put down the crack pipe or the mushrooms or whatever the fuck you took before you thought this law up and do your fucking job. Your job is to represent Americans, not think of ways for the Government to control even more of our lives. If you don't think the Patriot act has been abused, check out the Cock Fighting ring it was used to break up in Tennessee. See how the RICO act is no longer used against organized crime but against normal citizens, even churches! You claim to be a man of the people. I say prove it. Take this bill off the table. For if it passes, I promise you that within 5 years it will be used to strip the rights of normal citizens that the government may not like. Political enemies, protesters, Sarah Palin! Well okay lock up Sarah Palin please. Seriously. Christ what a whack job that chick is. Otherwise, keep the government's already too large hands off of my rights!

Sincerely,
NN"

Let's here it for Droopy! This is a very real, and very serious bill that has been introduced. So I implore all of you to email your senators and ask them to vote this bill down. Also ask them to whip Lieberman on the senate floor. Somewhere the founding fathers are jumping up and down screaming for someone to challenge these pussies to a duel.

So in closing I say to you FUCK this bill and FUCK Droopy and Super Pecs for coming up with it. You two should be ashamed of yourselves and I hope the zombie of George Washington eats your brains.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Brains, Graves, and Boomsticks: The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies. That's right I said it. Zombies. I know what you're thinking. 'Naked One, why would you talk about zombies?' Well I speak of Zombies today because with all the crazy things going on in the world right now I feel we've taken our attention off the one single enemy that can and will someday rise up and devour all of humanity... or at least our brains. So my fellow brain possessing human beings I come to you today with advice on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

First we need to understand the motivations the zombies have. What is it they want? Well that's simply they want to chew on your brain. Why? Because that's what zombies do. While we don't understand this urge to eat brains any attempt to sit down and interview a zombie has resulted in the reporter having his brain eaten. So it's pointless to try to reason with a zombie as while you're trying to find common ground he'll be scooping your brain out with a spoon.

The very first thing we need to do as rational and intelligent people is make sure that the ultra left liberals don't try to pass a law through congress recognizing zombies as having the rights of human beings. Now the argument may be made that zombies were once human and as such are accorded all the rights U.S. citizens have. I tell you this now, this would be a major mistake. Not only are zombies not people but while congress debates and makes watered down legislation regarding zombie rights, the zombies will be out eating people's brains. We can't very well put a zombie on trial for murder and cannibalism. Even if we managed to subdue a zombie, how is a police officer going to read it it's Miranda rights? Furthermore all a zombie will say on the stand is 'brrrraaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnssss' and most likely eat his defense attorney.

Secondly we also need to make sure the ultra right doesn't declare a holy war on all zombies. While we do need to kill the zombies before they kill us we have to remember that not everyone with a bad skin condition or patchy hair is a zombie. Also while declaring a crusade on zombies we'll have to remember that other religions will likely see the zombies as an abomination before their god and want to destroy them as well. This will most likely lead to arguments over who has the right to kill the zombies. Which will undoubtedly lead to religious zealots the world over killing one another for the right to kill the zombies in the name of their God. Remember people, we have to stand before the zombies as a united people. All religions can come together to battle the zombies as one... except for the Canadians and their angry Moose God. Somehow I'm sure this is all their fault.

Now that we've established the ground rules we need to find a leader to save us from the zombies. It can't be our current leadership as they have little experience in dealing with zombies and would most likely decide on trying to hug them into submission. This is no time for pussies people! We need a strong, confident, and experienced leader. Someone who can lead troops into battle and who has dealt with overwhelming terror and forces before. Yes I thought of the zombie of George Washington too. But he's a zombie so he's right out. So who can lead us? Only one person has the qualities to lead us to victory over the horde of brain fiends... Bruce, fucking, Campbell. He's killed more zombies than any other person on the planet and what's more his quick wit and dry humor will endear him to even the most jaded of soldiers!

So what's the battle plan? Well while Mr. Campbell will come up with the actual battle plan I've some advice on how to start preparing. First you need to stockpile on human brains. They'll come in handy for laying traps and snares for the zombies as they come for you. Now remember they don't have to be the brains of smart people, zombies aren't that picky, but they do have to be fairly fresh. So what you need to do is take the brains of the stupid people around you. I know, I know. Murdering people isn't exactly the most noble of things to do but remember, it's you or them and why let morons live to only be eaten by the zombies anyway? Smart people need to set traps for the stupid and use their brains to set even more traps for the zombies. I know it sounds cruel but the stupid will not die in vain, for their sacrifice will ensure that you, the intelligent public, live on to keep the human species going. Remember to allow television pundits and political analysts to keep babbling their mindless drivel on the airwaves, this will ensure that they too fall to the zombies' brainlust. Also we must make congress stay in session without military guard, this is our chance to do away with those morons. Bruce Campbell will be installed as Lord Zombie Slayer and given complete control over our military forces to do battle with the undead.

So start preparing today my faithful. I've already a cooler full of brains and loaded my boomstick. Bring on the zombies!