I often hear 'There are no good men left.' from the women I work with. Now while we know why most of this is, I work with strippers, and as we explored earlier 70-80% of women as a whole are affected by Douchebag Syndrome. Strippers are a special case in this study, as a whole 96% of them are affected by D.S. But I digress. I often hear the women I work with lamenting about how all the good men are 'taken' or 'gone'. And for the most part they're right. I myself was once a douchebag. I left a trail of women broken and weeping in my wake. Why? Because I was a douchebag. But I always had a girl. Some time ago I got tired of my douche ways and turned from the darkside. Redemption has been a slow and painful ordeal but I can say now that I qualify as a 'good man'. What's that mean? Well for the most part it means I'm alone 99% of the time without female companionship thanks to Douchebag Syndrome. However it also means that I've been able to look back over my past and realize I suffer from Psycho-Bitch Mojo. Today we'll discuss P.B.M. and how it affects nearly the entire population of 'good men' in the world.
First we must make it clear that douchebags are never affected by Psycho-Bitch Mojo. They can be carriers of the disease but even though they may have it, while they practice douchebaggery they show no ill effects from P.B.M. This is often thought of as to why men devolved into douchebags sometime in the mid 50's. As the ratio of 'sane' women (in quotes there as we know this to be a relative term) to 'psycho bitches' began to tilt in favor of the psychos more men devolved into douchebaggery to protect themselves. These pair of diseases have good people of both genders in a relative state of shell shock. Terrified to put themselves out there due to their encounters with douchebags and psychos. What's worse is that Douchebag Syndrome, while terrible in it's own right actually creates more pscyhos! The same holds true for Psycho-Bitch Mojo creating more douchebags!
So what is Psycho-Bitch Mojo? Well P.B.M. was first diagnosed in your's truely, yes me, by Doctor Christopher Bush M.D. (The M.D. in this case stands for Mad Dude) in 2001. While the science is still very new there's been plenty of medical studies done all over the world about P.B.M. Dr. Bush put the basic diagnoses simply 'Men suffering from Psycho-Bitch Mojo attract the most mentally unstable women around them and their friends finds this very, very funny.' This is the basis of P.B.M. and can vary in both intensity and frequency depending on the man it affects and his personal tolerance for insanity.
Now as we've discussed before women aren't exactly what most men consider 'logical', or 'sane'. So what constitutes a woman being a 'Psycho-Bitch'? Below we'll discuss what details are included in this and how to spot said psycho-bitches and also how to be able to diagnose yourself or a friend with this terrible disease. We will also delve into the rarely seen 'Psycho Hose Beast' a being of pure and unrepentant evil.
1: No sense of personal responsibility.
The first trait the Psycho-Bitch often displays is a complete lack of personal responsibility. Nothing is ever their fault. Everything they do that can be seen as hurtful or wrong is always someone else's doing. They were pushed to fuck your best friend, you made them lie to you about how their weekend trip to their mom's was really a three day sex-fest with your brother, you were smiling on the phone with your female friend so it's your fault she had to arrange for your friend's brake lines to be cut. The list can go on forever but basicly the Psycho-Bitch will deny any personal wrong doing and never accept that she may have been personally in the wrong. This includes up to multiple murders. For example the testimony of one Becky Williams in the trial of her boyfriend's murder in 2006... 'Well you're honor it was a heavy flow day and he was being an asshole so.... I stabbed him. Seven.. eight.. ten times....'
2: Control Freak.
While most women like to have some sense of control over their man the Psycho-Bitch takes this to an extreme. While most stop just short of slapping a collar and a leash on their men anything else is usually acceptable. The psycho-bitch will cut you off from your friends, beer, hanging out, watching sports, leaving the house for anything but work, the internet, video games, and any sort of social activity that would not require their presence. They'll begin to pick out your clothing, which will always be the exact opposite of what you normally wear. Any attempt to resist this control will result in the psycho-bitch going 'mental' on you. This is a state of pure rage and attack. Everything from your sense of style to your penis will be insulted in a barrage of verbal abuse the likes of which you have never seen. This will continue until you back down and submit.
3: The double standard.
This is a must for all psycho-bitches. The double standard exists in most relationships, even normal ones, but the psycho-bitch takes it to a whole other level. This includes many things but usually includes having female friends, going out, socializing, spending money, and cheating. She'll have her male friends, even if they make you uncomfortable and she'll go hang out with them whenever she wants. She'll spend her money and YOUR money however she wants. And it's only cheating if its you messing around on her. When the psycho-bitch has sex outside of the relationship it's not 'cheating' it's always something like 'seeing if she was still attractive to other men' or 'You're not my father don't tell me what to do!' The double standard will include things like you sitting at home for days and days alone, sick with worry and loneliness while the psycho-bitch runs around with her friends or spends the night at her boss's house in order to 'relax' and 'think'. By the way both 'relax' and 'think' mean 'fuck my boss'.
4: Jealousy
Jealousy is a fairly normal thing for human beings to feel. After all we're selfish by nature and sometimes you just want something to be your's and no one else's. The psycho-bitch however, as a by-product of her constant cheating will assume you're doing the same. So she'll be constantly assaulting you with 'What the fuck are you looking at? Oh you like that shit? Is that what you want? Are you looking at that bitch? You wanna fuck her don't you?' or my personal favorite 'No bitch wants you're tiny cock.' Remember this will be paired with the double standard to create some really nasty situations. As a result of her paranoid jealousy anytime you look in the general direction of anything that has tits, be prepared for a fight. This includes being told you have lustful desires for your 98 year old great grandmother.
These four traits, taken to the extreme often form the basis of what a psycho-bitch acts like. But even psycho-bitches pale in comparison to the fabled 'Psycho Hose Beast'. The term was first dubbed in 1999 by Shell Pitre. Miss Pitre is a renowned observer of psycho-bitches and helped form the basis of their behavioral patterns with Dr. Bush in their now famous thesis 'Tits of Terror: Cthulhu ain't got nothing on these Bitches'. The psycho hose beast will display all the traits named above but to an even further degree than psycho-bitches. She'll actively deflect any wrong doing she does onto you even going so far as to plant fake evidence that she can 'bust' you on later. Your cell phone will ring the second your are ten feet from the house, she'll install cameras around the house so she can record your every move, insist on listening in on every phone call you have, and physically assault any woman that dares look your way. This will include breaking Aunt May's hip for giving you a hug at Christmas. Psycho Hose Beasts are also far more promiscuous than your normal psycho-bitch. Seeing as how most psycho-bitches cheat on a fairly regular basis this is saying something. The Psycho Hose Beast must cheat. It's thought that without having access to multiple cocks the Psycho Hose Beast would actually fall into a coma of sorts. If not able to fuck an average of three new dicks a month on a yearly basis, that's 36 penises in a year, the Psycho Hose Beast will most likely perish. It will also be your fault. Yes, your fault that they must seek out this new dick. Reason has nothing to do with it but you will be blamed for forcing them to go out and screw. Calling them things like a 'slut' or 'whore' will render you an 'insensitive prick' and cause her to run out and find more dick.
What must be stressed here is that this is where many of the 'good men' are being stuck. It's unknown if Psycho-Bitch Mojo is a genetic condition or an aquired disorder. Ladies if you see one of your male friends being sucked into the webs of a psycho-bitch there is, sadly, very little you can do to help them. While this is frustrating and confusing the reasoning behind it is simplicity itself. Psycho-Bitches are great in bed. Psycho Hose Beasts even more so. Men, while we may try to convince you it's not all about the sex, love to be fucked... and fucked well. Psycho-Bitches love to do all the nasty, dirty, kinky, and sometimes illegal things we men see in porn. So trying to combat crazy pussy tricks with logic and reason... well you can see how that will play out. To effectively get them to see reason you must also offer up the hot, crazy, jungle gym sex along with logic and reason.
So here we are, most the good women suffering from Douchebag Syndrome and most the good men suffering from Psycho-Bitch-Mojo. So how do we correct this? Well first off people need to stop listening to all these self-help nutjobs on the radio. We all know if we're in a good relationship or not. Ladies, give a guy that might not be your normal type a chance. Maybe he's a little nerdy or maybe he's not some pretty boy super model type. Men, try to give that nice girl you get along with so well a chance to be more than your friend. Don't be so hung up on perfect bodies and looks. Its up to the well adjusted and normal people of the world to find one another to make things work. Remember that you're swimming in a big ocean... and that its full of sewage that you need to avoid to survive long enough to find a fish you can really dig.
For the Praxis file, while you wait...
9 years ago
