The Night Before Christmas: A Naked Ninja Tale

'Twas the night before Christmas, school was out for winter vacation
Not a creature was stirring, except my kid on that god damn playstation;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
As a trophy from that stripper with long brown hair;
Sarah Palin was all indignant, pissy and mean,
While she verbally shat her reality on my TV screen;
Some woman in her 'kerchief settled in my lap,
Causing me to shout, 'What the fuck is a kerchief? Dance bitch! Don't nap!'
When out on the lawn there arose such a fuckin' ruckus,
I nearly shit myself as I leapt from the couch to gather up Rufus.
Away to the window I flew like I was running from my bookie,
Tore open the shutters and yelled 'The fuck is all that noise? I was about to get some nookie!'
The street light on the breast of the hooker beneath it
Gave me pause as I stared at her dress that barely fit,
When, to my wandering eyes what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny zombie reindeer,
With a little old driver, tight pants stretched thin over sagging balls,
Well fuck me running this has got to be Santa Claus!
More rapid than the one time with that really hot red head they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and cracked them on the ass while calling them by name;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
Move it motherfuckers or I'll make jerky of y'all!"
So up to the house-top the little bastards flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and Santa's fat ass too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little undead hoof.
As I drew up Rufus, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Santa came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to toe,
He looked like that broke ass pimp from down the block named Moe;
A big ass bag he had flung on his back,
And he looked like he could use a bra for that sagging rack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His smile wide and profaine!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose red... this dude was on cocaine!
His droll little mouth was drawn up with that goofy ass grin,
And the smell of Jack Daniels clung to the beard on his chin;
The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke smelled of the sticky icky, forming a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, and lots of wrinkles,
I though he looked like my Uncle Bob,except his pants not being around his ankles;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me the feeling of absolute dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his fun,
And filled all the stockings; as I hoisted Rufus... my shotgun,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He snorted up all the blow on my table then struck a ninja pose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whipping,
They leapt into the air, hungry for the flesh of the living.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."