Brains, Graves, and Boomsticks: The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies. That's right I said it. Zombies. I know what you're thinking. 'Naked One, why would you talk about zombies?' Well I speak of Zombies today because with all the crazy things going on in the world right now I feel we've taken our attention off the one single enemy that can and will someday rise up and devour all of humanity... or at least our brains. So my fellow brain possessing human beings I come to you today with advice on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

First we need to understand the motivations the zombies have. What is it they want? Well that's simply they want to chew on your brain. Why? Because that's what zombies do. While we don't understand this urge to eat brains any attempt to sit down and interview a zombie has resulted in the reporter having his brain eaten. So it's pointless to try to reason with a zombie as while you're trying to find common ground he'll be scooping your brain out with a spoon.

The very first thing we need to do as rational and intelligent people is make sure that the ultra left liberals don't try to pass a law through congress recognizing zombies as having the rights of human beings. Now the argument may be made that zombies were once human and as such are accorded all the rights U.S. citizens have. I tell you this now, this would be a major mistake. Not only are zombies not people but while congress debates and makes watered down legislation regarding zombie rights, the zombies will be out eating people's brains. We can't very well put a zombie on trial for murder and cannibalism. Even if we managed to subdue a zombie, how is a police officer going to read it it's Miranda rights? Furthermore all a zombie will say on the stand is 'brrrraaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnssss' and most likely eat his defense attorney.

Secondly we also need to make sure the ultra right doesn't declare a holy war on all zombies. While we do need to kill the zombies before they kill us we have to remember that not everyone with a bad skin condition or patchy hair is a zombie. Also while declaring a crusade on zombies we'll have to remember that other religions will likely see the zombies as an abomination before their god and want to destroy them as well. This will most likely lead to arguments over who has the right to kill the zombies. Which will undoubtedly lead to religious zealots the world over killing one another for the right to kill the zombies in the name of their God. Remember people, we have to stand before the zombies as a united people. All religions can come together to battle the zombies as one... except for the Canadians and their angry Moose God. Somehow I'm sure this is all their fault.

Now that we've established the ground rules we need to find a leader to save us from the zombies. It can't be our current leadership as they have little experience in dealing with zombies and would most likely decide on trying to hug them into submission. This is no time for pussies people! We need a strong, confident, and experienced leader. Someone who can lead troops into battle and who has dealt with overwhelming terror and forces before. Yes I thought of the zombie of George Washington too. But he's a zombie so he's right out. So who can lead us? Only one person has the qualities to lead us to victory over the horde of brain fiends... Bruce, fucking, Campbell. He's killed more zombies than any other person on the planet and what's more his quick wit and dry humor will endear him to even the most jaded of soldiers!

So what's the battle plan? Well while Mr. Campbell will come up with the actual battle plan I've some advice on how to start preparing. First you need to stockpile on human brains. They'll come in handy for laying traps and snares for the zombies as they come for you. Now remember they don't have to be the brains of smart people, zombies aren't that picky, but they do have to be fairly fresh. So what you need to do is take the brains of the stupid people around you. I know, I know. Murdering people isn't exactly the most noble of things to do but remember, it's you or them and why let morons live to only be eaten by the zombies anyway? Smart people need to set traps for the stupid and use their brains to set even more traps for the zombies. I know it sounds cruel but the stupid will not die in vain, for their sacrifice will ensure that you, the intelligent public, live on to keep the human species going. Remember to allow television pundits and political analysts to keep babbling their mindless drivel on the airwaves, this will ensure that they too fall to the zombies' brainlust. Also we must make congress stay in session without military guard, this is our chance to do away with those morons. Bruce Campbell will be installed as Lord Zombie Slayer and given complete control over our military forces to do battle with the undead.

So start preparing today my faithful. I've already a cooler full of brains and loaded my boomstick. Bring on the zombies!